Man Cave

[CalebPerry]

Man Cave

All actors are at least 18 years of age.

I’m watching some guy show off his digs on, ("digs" was formerly "manse")
you know, one of those house-beautiful shows.
He’s in late middle-age and very rich;
the house by itself must be worth five mil.

He shows us the pool, the deck, the game room
(which he calls his “man cave” — how original),
but there’s something hollow about the glitz.
What good is a mansion when you’re all alone?

But he’s not alone. At the end of the show
he pulls a willowy girl to his man-side.
He smirks and she grins, and all I can wonder
is how much she’s getting in the pre-nup.

Now, if that were me, I’d pull a boy to
my side — if they’d allow it on TV
(gays can marry now, you know). Sadly, though,
I’m not rich, and I’m very much alone,

and I don’t know any boys. But I can dream.
Internet porn will be my boy; the toilet,
my game room (as it’s always been); and this
month-to-month fag cave must be my house

(the small apartment where my spirit boils).
Oh, I did know a boy with a hairlip scar, ("a hairlip scar" was formerly "ADHD")
but he laid down the law when I made a move;
it takes more than a meal to buy a spouse.

-end-

I wish there were more gay people participating here.

[Firebird]

This is a very sad poem - honest and straightforward. There's a lot going on. It's about what money can buy; about how some people find it acceptable for middleaged heterosexual men to have young women as partners, when they don't find it acceptable for middleaged homosexual men to have young men as partners - a double standard; about isolation and loneliness and how that can affect a person. I'm not sure what more to say than that. It's not an easy poem to crit, but I didn't want to just leave it.

Have you read Andrew Mcmillian? If you haven't you should. He's gay man who wrote a book called 'Physical'. I think you would enjoy it - not just because you are gay, but because he writes excellent poetry, which it more important in my opinion.

Cheers,

Tristan

PS. You expose a type of sexism in this poem: calling a women a 'girl', and you then try to even it up (even down would be better) by calling a man a 'boy'. I would rather you'd evened it up by calling a women a women and a man a man. (There's the possibility of a very unpleasant confusion if we go the way you did, which I know you did not intend at all in this poem as you stated it at the beginning in italics.) Calling full grown women girls is patronising, a way of putting them down, and suggests that this is what some men might prefer, rather than women.

Man Cave

All actors are at least 18 years of age.

I’m watching some guy show off his manse on,
you know, one of those house-beautiful shows.
He’s in late middle-age and very rich;
the house by itself must be worth five mil.

He shows us the pool, the deck, the game room
(which he calls his “man cave” — how original),
but there’s something hollow about the glitz.
What good is a mansion when you’re all alone?

But he’s not alone. At the end of the show,
he pulls a willowy girl to his man-side.
He smirks and she grins, and all I can wonder
is how much she’s getting in the pre-nup.

Now, if that were me, I’d pull a boy to
my side — if they’d allow it on TV
(gays can marry now, you know). Sadly, though,
I’m not rich, and I’m very much alone,

and I don’t know any boys. But I can dream.
Internet porn will be my boy; the toilet,
my game room (as it’s always been); and this
month-to-month fag cave must be my house

(the small apartment where my spirit boils).
Oh, I did know a boy with ADHD,
but he laid down the law when I made a move;
it takes more than a meal to buy a spouse.

-end-

I wish there were more gay people participating here.

[CalebPerry]

Thank you for the crit, Tristan. I do want to say that the poem was meant to be funny, not sad. (I am resigned to my circumstances and don't feel sad about them.) Also, I'm usually the one lecturing people on sexual roles, not the other way around! I don't see calling a 20-ish woman a "girl" or a 20-ish man a "boy" as being sexist -- if they look very young and a little immature.

You didn't mention it, but I hope that you had no problem following the logical flow of the writing.

So, the sadness struck you more than the humor? That's too bad. The poem was meant to be tongue-in-cheek.

Oh, let me say something about the italicized subtitle. (Is that what it is, a subtitle?) I put that in because I revealed on another forum that I had had a short sexual experience with a "boy" (who was actually 22), and some of the members there responsed with disapproval. So I threw that in just to be funny.

Thank you again!

[Jackie]

Perry,

I have to admit that I had to block out the girl/boy thing to read this—having been fully wise and worldly when I married at 22! I especially recoiled at the use of “pull” in lines 10 & 13. I get that “woman” and “man” could weigh a poem down, but surely there are alternatives?

I hope that you had no problem following the logical flow of the writing.

I did, actually. The pre-nup line at the end of S3 tells me that it takes money to get a spouse, and at the end this same thought is repeated—bit of a letdown. If I take the lead from the title, however, I go from a small corner of the rich guy’s mansion (his man cave, presumably the only place where his spirit boils), to N’s entire house (his fag cave)—which feels like progress in the logic department. I think I’m missing the relevance of sexual preference to the poem; I’m seeing only economic status.

Just a thought—lines 7 & 8 aren’t needed and are a bit preachy, to me.

Interesting read,
Jackie

[CalebPerry]

Hi, Jackie. Thanks for your feedback.

It's not for me to say whether I have written the poem well, but let me talk about my intention.

The poem is a satire, and almost all the characters in the poem are satirized -- the 60ish rich man, who has "purchased" a young bride; the young bride, who sought wealth and security in her mate and hit the jackpot; the poor, gay narrator, who is jealous of the older man's wealth; and even the young man -- the "boy" -- who let himself, for a while, be manipulated by the gay man. (I made the narrator gay because that's what I am and what I know).

The poem isn't meant to be politically correct, and it isn't. It sounds to me like that is what you are objecting to. As the author, I expect the reader to accept my characterizations of the "players" in the poem. However, in your case, you don't, apparently because you don't like to see people stereotyped. But there are indeed characters like this in the world.

Maybe I've written poorly, but it may also be that the poem just isn't one that you can like. The world is full of stupid people who can be bought and sold (figuratively speaking, in this case), and those are the people I'm writing about. This poem is me at my most cynical.

Thank you again for your feedback!

[ray miller]

I like the poem. I'd like it better without the last verse, but I've felt that about each of your poems. You re-iterate a point already made and, if this is a poem about stereotypes the fellow with ADHD seems an odd choice.

] I wish there were more gay people participating here. - Well, when I read a comment like that, after a poem like this, am I meant to suppose that only gay people experience rejection, loneliness, old age, unsatisfied sexual desire, envy?

[Jackie]

Perry, thank you for explaining your intentions in writing the poem.

I do see wanting to change people's opinions about the social problems you describe, and I agree that satire is a good way to do it.

Jackie

[CalebPerry]

Thank you, Ray.

I guess I just grew up with a different idea of what a poem should be. A good opening and a good ending have always seemed essential to me, and my idea of a good ending is usually something clever. In almost every case in which people advised me to drop the ending, I felt that the resulting poem was incomplete.

Jackie, I wasn't trying to tell you not to feel what you feel about the poem. I just thought if I explained my thinking, you might understand it a little better. In my opinion, I'm not making a social statement in this poem, just trying to be funny.

[1lankest]

Well I found it funny and sad, Perry. Again, there is lots to like about your style. It reminds me of Hemingway at times.

I guess the choice of ‘manse’ is meant to further implicate the hetero Christian establishment in this kind of oppresive, shallow lifestyle? In the UK a manse couldn’t look like what you describe here but I’m sure that’s different in the US.

L

[Mirrorball]

Hi Perry,

I saw a lot of dark humour in this. The contrast between the man cave and the fag cave were particularly amusing to me.

I agree with Ray that the boy having ADHD doesn't make sense. I'm sure you have your reasons.

Luke read my mind on 'manse'. It's not in common usage over here and there's a connection with the clergy, you could substitute for mansion as an option.

It's a very conversational poem, in keeping with your style and I enjoyed it.

[CalebPerry]

Luke and MB, thank you for your thoughts.

Manse is just short for "mansion" here in the U.S. I am using it to mean definition 2. However, I didn't realize it had a religious meaning, so I'll look for another word:

1. the house and land occupied by a minister or parson.
2. the dwelling of a landholder; mansion.

Regarding ADHD, all I meant was, "The only guy I can get interested in me is a kid with mental problems." I could have substituted any mental problem for ADHD, but ADHD fits sonically. I'll look for something else.

Thank you again!

[Mirrorball]

"Regarding ADHD, all I meant was, "The only guy I can get interested in me is a kid with mental problems." I could have substituted any mental problem for ADHD, but ADHD fits sonically. I'll look for something else."

Hmm, that could be construed as derogatory towards people with mental illnesses. I'd reconsider.

[CalebPerry]

Remember, this poem isn't meant to be PC. It is derogatory towards everyone.

For the time-being, "manse" has become "digs", a somewhat dated colloquial term meaning one's residence, and "ADHD" has become "hairlip scar". Yes, "hairlip scar" is derogatory too, but it makes the point that the narrator can't get anyone goodlooking -- he can't get his own version of a "willowy girl".