Snow Hoard (v3)

[1lankest]

V3

The drift on Trussel Road summits at six or seven feet
before the down-curve. Wisps of powder circulate,
settle, then climb again. They carry cargo from the East:

microliths of piercing cold, specks of amber, torcs, lunulae
spinning gold across the white. A Beast, they call it,
this fugue of riches, unearthed by a change of wind.


V2

The drift on Trussel Road summits at six or seven feet
before the down-curve. Wisps of powder circulate,
settle, then climb again. They carry cargo from the East:

microliths of piercing cold, specks of amber, torcs, lunulae
spinning gold across the white. A Beast, they call it,
this fugue of riches, unearthed by a sudden change of wind.

Original

The drift on Trussel Road summits at six or seven feet
before the down-curve. Wisps of powder circulate
in patterns of lace, filigree. They carry cargo from the East:

microliths of piercing cold, specks of amber, torcs, lunulae
spinning gold across the white. A Beast, they call it,
this fugue of riches, unearthed by a sudden change of wind.

[Macavity]

hi Luke

I did not know the words microliths or lunulae. That was of interest. The wisps/lace/filigree were more familiar - in the poetic sense. Perhaps more about Trussel Road would ground the poem?

best

mac

[Ros]

I think it's lovely, the idea of the snow bringing treasures from the far north. Good stuff.

Ros

[1lankest]

Thanks Mac...possibly you're right but I wanted the focus to be the snow, and what it carries, not the landing ground!
Thanks Ros, really glad you like it.

L

[David]

I think it's lovely, the idea of the snow bringing treasures from the far north. Good stuff.

I agree, and caught beautifully by the title, which hooked me as soon as I read it. Glad the poem delivered on its promise.

Mac is right about lace and filigree and (in effect) poetical commonplaces, though. Can you make it more surprising? (Think of Louis McN!)

Microliths I knew, but not lunulae. I think the use of microliths is excellent.

Cheers

David

[churinga]

The drift on Trussel Road summits at six or seven feet
'summits' is an interesting word choice, almost ironic, given the height.

Wisps of powder circulate
in patterns of lace, filigree.
I like the sonics of this, I read filigree as a verb. It may be cliched in terms of word choice but they way it's put together saves it.

They carry cargo from the East:
This has an echo of 'wise men from the East' but is at odds with (I am assuming) the cold coming down from the North.

microliths of piercing cold, specks of amber, torcs, lunulae
spinning gold across the white. A Beast, they call it,
this fugue of riches,
This was interesting, 'fugue of riches' is original.

..... by a sudden change of wind.
This is a let down, it is very literal and prosaic.

I think you need to grow the poem, it cries out for more verses.

[1lankest]

Thanks David, I love the Macneice poem, Snow. Perhaps this was subconsciously inspired by it. Soundlessly collateral and incompatible.

I have changed those words, I agree they are overused. Hope the new version isn't too dull. Feel it might be. Thanks churinga - not sure I agree that the last line is prosaic, given the wind's role here as the archaeologist. Not sure I have seen that before in a poem....

But you might be right about the need for more verses.

L

[Macavity]

Hope the new version isn't too dull. Feel it might be.

The revision does show a progression from listing words to verbs. You are right though. The invention of S2, and the cargo notion, are more imaginative, fresher writing.

a 'fickle change of wind' may be an option in the closing line

best

mac

[David]

A simple change, but a telling one, I think, Luke. It's even better now. (I only saw one change, in L3 - did I miss any others?)

Cheers

David

[1lankest]

Thanks mac, good shout. Or maybe just 'a change of wind...'?

Ta David, really pleased you like it. Hurrah!

[Macavity]

Or maybe just 'a change of wind...'?

Yes, I feel that's it Luke. The simple is often more effective than yet another pointed modifier. The element of chance quietly conveyed.

cheers

mac

[1lankest]

Thanks Mac, quite agree. Final version posted.

L

[ray miller]

Nice poem. 4th line a bit too long? I prefer the original lace and filigree passage.