Perhaps (was Room for a view (revision)

[1lankest]

Revision

I could happily rent an apartment
on Jalan Alor, watch the crowds
stream through wood-smoke
and symphonies of sizzling oil
that harmonise at the street’s
exacting centre, between strings
of hawker stalls and gaudy chairs.
From my position I could stroll
in safety with the hushed melee,
drift with sambal scent over rooftops
or leap from parapet to parapet
through configurations of laundry
and pot-plants, cradled in the swing
of a hidden domesticity,
high above the street.

Original

I could happily rent an apartment
on Jalan Alor, a modest room
with timber box-balcony.

Watch the crowds stream
through wood-smoke,
symphonies of sizzling oil
that harmonise at the street’s

exacting centre

between rows of red chairs
and gaudy yellow.
The music wouldn’t faze me,
the plastic, towers of concrete
and glass. From my position

I could stroll in safety
with the hushed melee
or leap from parapet to parapet
through configurations of laundry
and pot-plants,

cradled in the swing
of a hidden domesticity,
high above the street.

[NotQuiteSure]

[tab][/tab]
Luke,
enjoyed this, though to me it feels a bit too spare.
I'd like a bit more detail about the room (which was an apartment) for instance.
S2. Is the comma misplaced or is there something missing before 'symphonies'?
Don't think having 'exacting centre' on a separate line works.
S3. And 'gaudy yellow' what?
S4. 'Symphonies' in S2 but now 'hushed'?
'safety' and 'configurations' seems rather too unpoetic.
S5. Like the end.
I think the title does the piece a disservice - you could cut
'a modest room' from S1 and have that as the title (perhaps).

Regards, Not.
[tab][/tab]

[David Smedley]

I

could happily rent an apartment
on Jalan Alor, a modest room
with timber box-balcony.

a modest room
with timber box-balcony. This could go.

Watch the crowds stream
through wood-smoke, Wood smoke from where?
symphonies of sizzling oil Are the people the symphonies?
that harmonise at the street’s

exacting centre

between rows of red chairs
and gaudy yellow.
The music wouldn’t faze me,
the plastic, towers of concrete
and glass. From my position I'm lost in this verse

I could stroll in safety
with the hushed melee and here



leap from parapet to parapet
through configurations of laundry
and pot-plants,

cradled in the swing
of a hidden domesticity,
high above the street.

I like all the bit of your poem in the excerpt above, David.

[Macavity]

I could stroll in safety
with the hushed melee
or leap from parapet to parapet
through configurations of laundry
and pot-plants,

cradled in the swing
of a hidden domesticity,
high above the street.

Like that Luke. Original. Loved the configurations. hushed/hidden/high is a pleasing sonic thread.

The title carries the EM Forster baggage, no doubt intentional, but something the poem doesn't need?

Jalan Alor - would more street foodie refs rather than music give more a flavour of place, though I understand you want to convey the snug contrast (nice use of cradled in that context). Is there a day/night scene here that could be worked?

best

mac

[1lankest]

Thanks guys...hmm, some say too much detail, others not enough. Perhaps just different detail is what's needed. As you say mac, more street foody references, though i did think wood smoke, sizzling oil and plastic chairs would intimate that context.

L

[Macavity]

Hi Luke,
Imagery is often visual, but I feel there is an option to key into the other senses here. Just a thought.

best

mac

[1lankest]

Agreed, thanks Mac. I have revised this, thanks for all your help.

L

[JJWilliamson]

Great sense of place, Luke, with realistic and believable descriptions.

I much prefer the original title but understand why you changed it. Could it be "View From the Terrace" or some such thing;
even "Room for Rent" would help to prepare the reader for the opening line, keeping the inverted commas.

I reckon a dish or two being prepared in that sizzling oil would work wonders. You could also stanza break at L7, if you so desire.

Very enjoyable read.

Best

JJ

[David]

A nice bit of exotica, Luke. (Nice to read you again too.) You changed the Forster title slightly. Any reason for that? If it's an intentional alteration, I don't quite get what you're after with it.

Still, that's a minor point.

There are a couple of other points that might bear looking at, but I'll give them a bit more thought.

Cheers

David

[1lankest]

Thanks jj, David.

Nice to hear from you David, and thanks for the kind word. Hope your travels are momorable!

L