Transient

[NotQuiteSure]

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Transient

The wave travels,
water remains.

The sounds of farewell
greet some other shore.

Wind ploughs the surface,
all traces are gone.

The tide starts to turn,
a hand slowly falls.

Water remains.
The wave travels on.

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[Macavity]

Nicely done Not. Takes me along the shoreline of departures.

best

mac

[Firebird]

Morning Not, for me this poem isn't as good as others you have posted recently. I don't feel the image of the wave is either original enough (waves going out to sea as an image for departure/transience is overdone in poems. Normally only given a line or two though) or developed enough in a sonically/rhythmically pleasing way. Sorry to give such a harsh critique. I like much of your work.

Cheers,

Tristan

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Transient

The wave travels,
water remains.

The sounds of farewell
greet some other shore.

Wind ploughs the surface,
all traces are gone.

The tide starts to turn,
a hand slowly falls.

Water remains.
The wave travels on.

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[NotQuiteSure]

Thanks mac.

Regards, Not.
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[NotQuiteSure]

Afternoon, Tristan.

harsh critique

No apologies necessary. Hard to take umbrage when being held to a standard.
Oddly, I wasn't trying to write about departure (the title's likely a mistake),
I been watching a documentary on waves and was struck be the fact the the water
essentially doesn't move (beyond a small ellipse/circle) and that gave the opening.
The rest flowed (or should that be staggered?) from that. Clearly more thought is required.
Anyway, thanks for taking the time.

Regards, Not.
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[JJWilliamson]

I very much like the idea behind this poem, and got the wave action immediately, BUT!

Something about wavelength might help. The energy of any wave is very powerful but can, to a certain extent, be avoided.
As kids we used to dive underneath the biggest waves to let them pass. Apart from a mild surge you felt very little pressure
from the wave above. The deeper you dived the less it affected you. This only applies to waves with a short wavelength.
If you encounter a wave with a long wavelength, EG tsunami, you're in big trouble.

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Transient ...I'm assuming this refers to the temporary nature of common sea waves. They expire once their energy has been absorbed by the shore.

The wave travels,
water remains. ...Yes, it represents the energy. The water doesn't actually move, even though we witness a tremendous rush of water at the shoreline. As the water gets shallower the wave rises and crashes down, creating a wave surge. I'm in the middle of two sea paintings at the mo', and they both reference wave dynamics.

The sounds of farewell
greet some other shore. ...This an interesting line, if I'm reading it correctly, because a wave has the potential power to travel around the globe if nothing gets in its way. Part of the island of La Palma, in the Canary Islands, is on the brink of collapse. This will cause a mega-tsunami through massive, sudden water displacement, where the wave will swamp the eastern shore of the Americas. Perhaps, "sounds of farewells greet foreign shores" OR "swirls of energy greet foreign shores".

Wind ploughs the surface,
all traces are gone. ...This is too vague. The wave passes without a trace, leaving the water unruffled seems to be the general idea, I think.

The tide starts to turn,
a hand slowly falls. ...This metaphor needs developing. The tide does indeed cause small waves, which can be enhanced by wind action. Not to be confused with the much greater and entirely different tsunami, incorrectly labelled as tidal wave. What is this 'hand' you speak of? I think it refers to the final crash/wash/swash of the wave, but can't be sure. There's loads of potential imagery to work with. I can see you're going for compression, so it's tricky to find the right balance. I understand that. Worth developing IMHO.

Water remains.
The wave travels on. ...Yip, it most certainly does.
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Enjoyed thinking about this poem, Not. A nudge here and there would work wonders. From ripples, big waves develop. I'll get me hat.

Best

JJ

[NotQuiteSure]

BUT!

as you so rightly say JJ.

I'm assuming this refers to

To be honest, I think this title was a mistake. Just stuck something on without sufficient consideration.

an interesting line

I was also thinking about acoustic waves.
Not too sure about 'foreign', comes with baggage.

This is too vague

I stand ready to be corrected here, but, I was referring to capillary waves (ripples).

What is this 'hand' you speak of?

A different wave, 'bye bye'.

sounds of farewell/all traces are gone - somehow I'd ended up with a burial at sea, still not sure how that happened.

Always happy for a nudge (wink, wink), now, where's your hat?
Many thanks.

Regards, Not.
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[ton321]

The wave travels,
water remains.

The sounds of farewell
greet some other shore.

Wind ploughs the surface,
all traces are gone.

The tide starts to turn,
a hand slowly falls.

Water remains.
The wave travels on.
I
Hi Not, the more i read the poem the more i liked it. You captured that feeling of farewell with the half rhymes of shore, gone, falls. I liked the double entendre of wave also. My only crit.is that it seems a bit enclosed/ neatly tied with the first and last strophes, but do they serve as pillars in this transient poem?
ton

[NotQuiteSure]

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Thanks ton

serve as pillars

good question, I'd hoped that the last line suggested continuation
rather than enclosure, but maybe not.
Will ponder.
Thanks again.

Regards, Not.
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[Moth]

Gut instinct tells me you don't need the second couplet, also the falling hand could be replaced by something which better lends itself to the overall enigma.

[NotQuiteSure]

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Thanks Moth,
any light you could shed on 'enigma' would be appreciated,
I'm not really sure what you mean here.

Regards, Not.
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[Moth]

The mystery of the science apparent in

The wave travels, water remains.- how can something travel yet remain, the wave is water after all, similarly wind ploughs the surface, all traces are gone - ploughing does not generally make something invisible. Verses 1,3 and 5 work very well in this regard.

[NotQuiteSure]

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Thanks for the reply Moth, much appreciated.
I'll just be over here having a think.

Regards, Not.
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