An Afternoon in Tunbridge Wells

[emuse]

An Afternoon in Tunbridge Wells

Captain Jack Sparrow points his sword
toward the stars. His eyes smudged dark
as twin cannons with eyeliner.
I note the edge of the blade. It's sharp
for a toy, but this boy has no interest in harm.
He wants to hang from the oak branches
in your garden. To scavenge the clouds
for seafaring ships. The crows converse
like a stack of noisy platters

and soon the starlings will clamber
for attention. Jack's hair is tied back
with your red scarf and each sentence punctuates
a wobbly tilt of his jaw. Watch this! Jack says
and the pirate tumbles on his trampoline
like a wild dryer sock. The sun has risen fully now
in this strange September heat and the garden
is gold with it - lavender and late summer make me want

to run and join him. To bare my feet and barrel upward
until my head crowds with cumulus. You are busy
preparing our meal, filling my glass with gin
and inspiration, dressing the table in wildflowers.
The cherry tomatoes are lit as if something
has caught fire. And I know that this is the way

it's meant to be. A mother, in her simple gown.
A lazy Siamese curled in the hammock.
The chicken is grilled and we will gather at the table
and speak of riding horses named George
and the shush a bat's wings makes

in the moonless hedge. We'll listen to the crackle
of fireworks announce the end of something real.
And when I go to sleep above the house
in your toy-filled attic, I will cast off my flesh
and set sail on a course of indigo remembrance.

ORIGINAL:

Captain Jack Sparrow points his plastic sword
toward the stars. His eyes smudged dark
as twin cannons with your eyeliner, and his teeth
aglow like a promise. I note the tip of the blade. It's sharp
for a toy, but this boy has no interest in harm.
He wants to hang from the oak branches
in your garden. To scavenge the clouds
for seafaring ships. The crows converse
like a stack of noisy platters

and soon the starlings will clamber for a voice
in the overture. Jack's hair is tied back
with your red scarf and each sentence punctuates
a wobbly tilt of his jaw. Watch this! Jack says
and the pirate tumbles on his trampoline
like a mad dryer sock. The sun has risen fully now
in this strange September heat and the garden
is gold with it - lavender and late summer make me want

to run and join him. To bare my feet and barrel upward
until my head crowds with cumulus. You are busy
preparing our meal, filling my glass with gin
and inspiration, dressing the table in wildflowers.
The cherry tomatoes are lit as if something
has caught fire. And I know that this is the way

it's meant to be. A mother, in her simple gown.
A lazy Siamese curled in the hammock.
The chicken is grilled and we will gather at the table
and speak of riding a horse named George
and the shush a bat's wings makes

in the moonless hedge. We'll listen to the crackle
of fireworks announce the end of something real.
And when I go to sleep high above the house
in your toy-filled attic, I will slowly cast off my flesh
set sail on a course of indigo
toward a single day's remembrance.

[BenJohnson]

I'll return for a proper reading later but first fleeting thoughts. 'your' in L3 excludes the reader, I know this is for a friend and in the personal context 'your' is fine, would the poem lose/gain anything by dropping 'your' just there. Enjoyed the crows as noisy platters. S2L6 'mad dryer sock' doesn't work for me as a phrase, I get what you mean but it doesn't sound right. 'Strange September' heat indeed, it is still strangely mild for the brink of December. S4 I wonder if you need 'your toy filled attic' which makes the preceding line suddenly concrete. The last three lines don't quite work for me either 'I get the sailing off into the sunset' idea but feel almost as if a reference back to captain Sparrow might tie it up neater. There again I will probably read this again tomorrow and recant my current views

[twoleftfeet]

E,

Just a thought or two. (Like Ben, I may change my mind later..)

"Plastic" implies "toy" so "toy" is redundant unless you want to retain the rhyme.
Personally, I would lose "plastic", keep "toy".

The stanza breaks seem arbitrary.

I agree with Ben about "mad dryer sock".
You could maybe put "tumble" and "dry(er)" closer together e.g
"tumbles like a drying sock on his trampoline". ..or not.

"Barreling" in the context of bouncing upwards on a trampoline isn't working for me.

We'll listen to the crackle
of fireworks announce the end of something real.

- I've struggled with this.
All I can think is that, either the "reality" is the slice of blissful mundanity that N is experiencing
(as opposed to the end of a fireworks display ) or
else the day has seemed like a dream.
However, it's growing on me..

Geoff

[Antcliff]

Hi
on the mad dryer sock..
A sock going around in dryer is already living a tumbling existence. So I wonder whether the poor thing needs to be insane as well. Isn't tumbling like a dryer sock enough? - after all "dryer" already puts the spin in.
Ant

[ray miller]

I enjoyed the read a lot. I'm confused, though. The title refers to an afternoon, yet the sun has just risen and you're drinking gin. Wha kind of an example is that for Young Jack?

this boy has no interest in harm.

"harm" sounds unnatural to me and I'd much prefer harming.
I thought you could do without "in the overture".
"like a sock in the drier"?

There's loads to like, gentle and wistful tone, the penultimate verse is lovely and so's lavender and late summer.
Don't you need a comma after flesh?

[OwenEdwards]

Absolutely beautiful, though I'd on the whole agree with the crits so far. I'd add that

"I will slowly cast off my flesh
set sail on a course of indigo
toward a single day's remembrance."

feels a little bathetic and follows the pattern too much - Halloween, Guy Fawkes, then Remembrance day. It's a way of pointing towards the continuance of, well, time, but it seems un-necessary.

But overall, I loved this.

[emuse]

I'll return for a proper reading later but first fleeting thoughts. 'your' in L3 excludes the reader, I know this is for a friend and in the personal context 'your' is fine, would the poem lose/gain anything by dropping 'your' just there. Enjoyed the crows as noisy platters. S2L6 'mad dryer sock' doesn't work for me as a phrase, I get what you mean but it doesn't sound right. 'Strange September' heat indeed, it is still strangely mild for the brink of December. S4 I wonder if you need 'your toy filled attic' which makes the preceding line suddenly concrete. The last three lines don't quite work for me either 'I get the sailing off into the sunset' idea but feel almost as if a reference back to captain Sparrow might tie it up neater. There again I will probably read this again tomorrow and recant my current views

Hi Ben,

Thanks for weighing in here! If I remove the first "your" when do you think the "you" should appear, for it must appear as the poem is an acknowledgment of the subject. This is not to contest your observation but to gain understanding. Maybe the first "you" should appear in the same stanza at "your garden"? I like the beat of "mad dryer sock". I think I'll need to replace "mad" with something else. Thank you. The end is so important here (when isn't it, in a poem?) and I want to get it right. It feels a little too precious at the moment but I do love the idea of being in the attic and removing the flesh. I think I need to build on this. Hmmm....

[emuse]

E,

Just a thought or two. (Like Ben, I may change my mind later..)

"Plastic" implies "toy" so "toy" is redundant unless you want to retain the rhyme.
Personally, I would lose "plastic", keep "toy".

Agreed!

The stanza breaks seem arbitrary.

Which?

I agree with Ben about "mad dryer sock".
You could maybe put "tumble" and "dry(er)" closer together e.g
"tumbles like a drying sock on his trampoline". ..or not.

Thanks Geoff! I'm ruminating on that one.

"Barreling" in the context of bouncing upwards on a trampoline isn't working for me.

We'll listen to the crackle
of fireworks announce the end of something real.

- I've struggled with this.
All I can think is that, either the "reality" is the slice of blissful mundanity that N is experiencing
(as opposed to the end of a fireworks display ) or
else the day has seemed like a dream.
However, it's growing on me..

I understand your response. Yes, we'll go with the latter "dream" quality. And let's take it further to narrator experiences what a "real" life could be as opposed to the one she's inhabited. Not to say I haven't had a good one but I missed the opportunity of children. Thanks, as ever for your close look here.

E
Geoff

[emuse]

I enjoyed the read a lot. I'm confused, though. The title refers to an afternoon, yet the sun has just risen and you're drinking gin. Wha kind of an example is that for Young Jack?

Ha ha well you know how those early weekend holida summer days can go. "Inspiration" begins early The sun is at its peak between noon and 2 so it was indeed an afternoon.

this boy has no interest in harm.

"harm" sounds unnatural to me and I'd much prefer harming.

I thought you could do without "in the overture". (agreed)

"like a sock in the drier"? (it feels a little flat -- will have to make this sock a little more lively somehow

There's loads to like, gentle and wistful tone, the penultimate verse is lovely and so's lavender and late summer.
Don't you need a comma after flesh?

Thanks very much Ray. I'm glad you find this gentle and wistful. Yes that was quite what the afternoon was. I'll take that comma and thanks!

E

[Elphin]

Hi e

Yes wistful indeed. I can't quite place it but this reads quite differently to most of your writings - can I say it's more British in style without having to justify that, because it's just a feeling. Maybe it's no more than the location.

Anyway - enjoyed it and connected to it.

One observation - count the similies. Particularly in the beginning it struck me how many there were. Is that a bad thing in a poem - only because it stood out for me and I wasn't really looking for them so it maybe detracts from the subtlety.

As always, yours to ponder.

Elph

[emuse]

Elph it's great to hear from you! I'm very pleased it has a British feel to your ear. The more I visit England, the more I love it and if any of it is rubbing off in my poetry, that's a good thing. I find that there is still much more attention to language -- to sound and rhythm than in a lot of contemporary American poetry.

I've taken out one of the similes in the beginning and I believe that smooths things a bit. I'll keep working at this. It may take years to refine, but I've got time....

Cheers!

E