The Haughty Swat

[Antcliff]

The Haughty Swat
Or, Against Unenthusiastic Poets

Who sees the horses now,
the wild, unbridled?
Running as if there
were no hedges,
only plains
and all gates were low
and made for leaping.
Amongst the
horse shapes plodding,
who sees the horses now?
But, for a moment
lie upon the bed
and feel the heart
uneven. Feel it fading,
slowly. Know it.
Then with
your cane stretch to the
window and you will see
the limbs, the flesh,
the proud, the pounding.
Circling, ready.
“What’s this?” you’ll ask,
unknowing. For,
who sees the horses now?
Amongst the plodding
shapes, a one,
a horse you barely knew.
You had no reason
to complain at all,
For you were made
for leaping. It was you.

Ant
...who was goaded, in small hours.

[Bloggsworth]

The first seven lines hooked me, but after that it seemed in parts to get a bit up itself and lose its clarity and sense of purpose. If the poem was as good as it should, and could, be, we certainly wouldn't need to be told "It was you" at the end.

[Nash]

Hello Ant,

I'm guessing from the title and the afterword that there's perhaps some sort of an in-joke going on here? I don't know what that's all about so I can only take the poem on face value and it doesn't really do much for me I'm afraid. The central 'wild horse' metaphor is possibly a bit tired, and is there a reason for the short lines and seemingly arbitrary line breaks? I agree with Bloggsworth too, that denouement has to go.

Having said that, there a couple of places where the sonics are quite nice, some good internal rhymes and I'm always partial to a bit of alliteration.

Sorry to be so negative,
Nash.

[brianedwards]

Don't be so apologetic Nash, you're spot on. It's a naff attempt at smart-arsery. A few neat sonics here and there granted (all gates were low/and made for leaping) but the metaphor is fairly uninspired and its delivery not nearly sharp enough to compensate. Several of the line breaks are either arbitrary or deliberately unmusical, the title is a garrulous raised eyebrow that deserves to be read with a pinky finger on the bottom lip, and the closure assumes a smugness that is most undeserved.

The attention-seeking behaviour has worked though, kudos for that. I look forward to reading a more serious effort.

B.

[David]

Now then, Ant, I didn't mean to goad you, and I don't think I did. I just gave you a friendly smack on the flank for (I thought) your own good.

Steady now.

David

[twoleftfeet]

Ant,

Sadly, I have a Jack Dee-ish attitude towards enthusiasm, so I found the repetition of
"who sees the horses now?" mildly irritating.

I wouldn't dare to criticize the specifics of your poem, though, since you are a swat and I am unarmed.

Geoff

[Bloggsworth]

Don't be so apologetic Nash, you're spot on. It's a naff attempt at smart-arsery. A few neat sonics here and there granted (all gates were low/and made for leaping) but the metaphor is fairly uninspired and its delivery not nearly sharp enough to compensate. Several of the line breaks are either arbitrary or deliberately unmusical, the title is a garrulous raised eyebrow that deserves to be read with a pinky finger on the bottom lip, and the closure assumes a smugness that is most undeserved.

The attention-seeking behaviour has worked though, kudos for that. I look forward to reading a more serious effort.

B.

Is there a hidden agenda here? A bit OTT Brian.

[brianedwards]

All my agendas are overt.
You may have missed it, but the above poem came from an exchange on another thread. I'd post a link but I can't be arsed frankly. Find it yourself if you're interested.

[ray miller]

I like the first 7 lines too. Trouble is, they build an expectation that something wonderful and revelatory will follow and it's all a bit circuitous, really.

[Antcliff]

Hi Ray. Pleased to meet you. Thanks for reading. Sorry the rest is not at as good as start.
Ant

[Antcliff]

Thanks for reading Bloggsworth/Nash. Nice to meet you. May be right about ending. But I have a taste for explicit endings after reading that Hopkins poem "Margaret are you grieving?" as a child. Horse metaphor may be old, but I just happened to the reading that famous poem by the Scottish poet Muir on horses returning. It was on my mind.

Thank two left feet. Nice to meet you, Nowt wrong with Jack Dee - I only object to it as a way of life. Sorry to have irritated with repeating line.

Er Brian. You seem to be an unpleasant human being, bellowing at Lois and now me. And not much of a reader either. There is no smugness at the end, still less undeserved. When you are ill and frail you may regret not writing with enthusiasm. So I do not see how imagining a poet looking out of a window and seeing the enthusiastic poet they should have been displays smugness. Quite the opposite. Let us agree..we'll not bother with the posts of each other. Let us play in different parts of the playground.

Thanks again
Ant.

[twoleftfeet]

Ant,
at the risk of being shot - I repeat it's not "swat" - it's "swot"

[Ros]

Could we just rewind a little here and start again? Antcliff, David is among the more reasonable of us and I'm sure was pointing out a matter of forum etiquette rather than intending to offend. Equally, a poem written at speed and in response to feeling aggrieved is going to have its weaknesses - I rather enjoyed the first half particularly, and feel it is worth working on.

The internet is famous for losing the nuances of meaning. Let's give each other the benefit of the doubt and move on.

Ros

[twoleftfeet]

The internet is famous for losing the nuances of meaning.

Ros

It's still safer than saving to your hard-drive IMHO

[Antcliff]

Swot it is..thanks two-left-feet.
Minor misunderstanding resolved Ros. Peace in the valley. Poem not worth working on...merely a comment on the need on occasion for poetry that enthuses about something..lyricism in old sense.
Ant

The internet is famous for losing the nuances of meaning.

Ros

It's still safer than saving to your hard-drive IMHO

[emuse]

Somehow I am always in the middle of controversy here LOL. This gave me a good laugh and I saw it as a light punt at humor and the good naturedness of the author. Bring on the lyrical, the sublime, the mooneyed and the mooned ;-0 We're in for a jolly good ride.

Cheers

[Antcliff]

Ah, bless ya. Funny thing. Only about three weeks ago I wrote a love poem for my beloved comparing her to a moon. It was, shall we say, a bit more lyrical than my general outlook, as she noted. I fear she may request more. So I was already primed for a moon poem...
Ant (under the moon).

Somehow I am always in the middle of controversy here LOL. This gave me a good laugh and I saw it as a light punt at humor and the good naturedness of the author. Bring on the lyrical, the sublime, the mooneyed and the mooned ;-0 We're in for a jolly good ride.

Cheers

[David]

Ant,
at the risk of being shot - I repeat it's not "swat" - it's "swot" 8)

No no no. It's swat - a sharp blow; a slap - not swot. But I admire your daring use of the word "shot" in this context, Geoff.

Antcliff, David is among the more reasonable of us

I resent that. Or do I? No, no, I do see your point.

Minor misunderstanding resolved Ros. Peace in the valley.

Good choice.



Good lyrics.

[Ros]

Never let it be said this is not the weirdest poetry site on the internet.

[twoleftfeet]

Ant,
at the risk of being shot - I repeat it's not "swat" - it's "swot"

No no no. It's swat - a sharp blow; a slap - not swot. But I admire your daring use of the word "shot" in this context, Geoff.

Oops..
Whilst knowing the difference between the 2 spellings, I thought Ant was sending himself up - having described himself
already as an academic, and (dare I say it?) appearing somewhat opinionated.
And of course, David, I couldn't possibly associate the word "haughty" to such a reasonable person as your good self.
(Sorry, I know that hurts but it's true... )

My choice of "shot" derives from s.w.a.t. and was not intended to be self-referential in any way.
Now I suppose I'd better get along to the hospital - can anyone lend me some crutches?

[David]

Oops..
Whilst knowing the difference between the 2 spellings, I thought Ant was sending himself up - having described himself
already as an academic, and (dare I say it?) appearing somewhat opinionated.
And of course, David, I couldn't possibly associate the word "haughty" to such a reasonable person as your good self.
(Sorry, I know that hurts but it's true... :evil: )

My choice of "shot" derives from s.w.a.t. and was not intended to be self-referential in any way.
Now I suppose I'd better get along to the hospital - can anyone lend me some crutches?

Doggone it. I missed your joke. Did you get mine? Or is it just not very good? That's entirely possible.

[twoleftfeet]

Never let it be said this is not the weirdest poetry site on the internet.

This is not the weirdest poetry site on the Internet!

There, I said it - I lied - but I said it.

[Antcliff]

Strictly, it was a defence of the haughty swat by a haughty swot..let history record.
Ant

[Bloggsworth]

Never let it be said this is not the weirdest poetry site on the internet.

Not hardly - Go and read Nacian on writingforums if you want distinctly odd...

[twoleftfeet]

Doggone it. I missed your joke. Did you get mine? Or is it just not very good? That's entirely possible.

I got the irony of "Stirrers", if that's what you mean