It's Closing Time In The Gardens Of The West

[ray miller]

The saxophones have stolen from the silver tin
and run riot on her pliant little body.
A forefinger and thumb are stretching young skin;
she grows wet in the depths of her study
where she’s learning lap dancing and to TEFL,
to throw a dart in a far part of the globe,
follow the arrow for the precious metal
while her legs and her lips remain in vogue.

It’s closing time in the gardens of the west;
the baton is passed on to feed a hunger.
She’s in a tipsy state and a flimsy dress,
bent over at the wrong end of a conga.
While foreign eyes are leering at his daughter
he’s being treated for Adjustment Disorder.

[BenJohnson]

Over all like it Ray, the rhythm feels a bit bumpy in places, for example L5 'and TEFL', L8 'are in vogue' would work better for me. Probably my tin ear though. Content-wise it is good TEFL/settle wonderful ryhme

[twoleftfeet]

Ray,

It's an intriguing piece.

That's all I can say because I haven't a clue what is going on.

Does one TEFL or does one T.E.F.L. , btw ?


I clearly need to be treated for Comprehension Disorder..

Geoff

[ray miller]

Thanks, Ben, Geoff. TEFL, I think. I didn't realise it was obscure, but then close up. I live in a pink house with 7 females. Anyhow, I'm not one to be coy.

The saxophones have stolen from the silver tin - when I say saxophones I mean bad men with more money than sensitivity.
and run riot on her pliant little body. - the body is both young female and "the state"
A forefinger and thumb are stretching young skin; - the Big Squeeze on, for example, jobs, education.
she grows wet in the depths of her study - the effects of climate change.
where she’s learning lap dancing and to TEFL, - I've a daughter TEFLing in China. Two others tap dance. It's but a short step. I worry about my kids in the Next World Order.
then throw a dart in a far part of the globe. - sink or swim.
Not too close to the coast is where she’ll settle - again, to escape the effects of climate change.
while her legs and her lips remain in vogue. - self explanatory, I hope.

It’s closing time in the gardens of the west; - I see, for example, the contempt with which Eastern European women have come to be regarded by many men in the West.
the baton passed on to feed a hunger. We're certainly about to become much poorer and I wonder what else that entails. An affluent lifestyle under threat
She’s in a tipsy state and a flimsy dress, comes to resemble an addiction and will be maintained, by some, in time-honoured fashion.
bent over at the wrong end of a conga;
while these foreign eyes are leering at his daughter
he’s being treated for Adjustment Disorder. - Adjustment Disorders will soon be all the rage. I've got mine.

[Ros]

Wow. I didn't very much of that at all, certainly nothing about climate change or state of the nation. I read it as being about a daughter you were afraid lived a bit near the edge and was in danger of being taken advantage of by various evil chaps.

Ros

[ray miller]

Well, my response to Geoff was a little tongue-in-cheek, Ros. Only a little, though, the climate change mostly. Living in a pink house is not good for one's clarity.

[emuse]

The saxophones have stolen from the silver tin
and run riot on her pliant little body.
A forefinger and thumb are stretching young skin;
she grows wet in the depths of her study (all this is just marvelous!!)
where she’s learning lap dancing and to TEFL,
to throw a dart in a far part of the globe. (and here too, nicely done!)
Not too close to the coast is where she’ll settle (this feels a little forced)
while her legs and her lips remain in vogue. (clever)

It’s closing time in the gardens of the west;
the baton is passed on to feed a hunger.
She’s in a tipsy state and a flimsy dress,
bent over at the wrong end of a conga. (perfect)
While foreign eyes are leering at his daughter
he’s being treated for Adjustment Disorder.

This is very good in my opinion. It just needs the perfect title to tip the reader off. I would make it very overt, e.g., The State of Things or something specific to UK that would lead the reader more closely to what the poem is really about.

[twoleftfeet]

- I've a daughter TEFLing in China. Two others tap dance. It's but a short step.

Brilliant!

[ray miller]

Thanks, Geoff. It's nice to know these things don't go unnoticed.

Lois. That's really very nice of you and very helpful. I think you're right about the title, though I did like it. I've changed it to something more telling. That 7th line I didn't like either, so I've altered it. Not mad about last couplet but I guess it'll do.

[bodkin]

Like it. I was undecided for a couple of reads, but I think now I am sold.

If there is a weakness here, I think it is in slightly too much complexity/ambiguity? Would it be stronger if it arrived at some more definite ending (assuming it isn't just that there is one and it is too subtle for me to fathom). OTOH I say this sort of thing really often, so it may just me me...

Ian

[ray miller]

Thanks, Ian. The poem is meant to function at 2 levels, political and personal, hence the ambiguity. As for the ending, the final couplet, I really don't like it now but can't think of a decent alternative just yet.

[Suzanne]

Ray, this is very interesting content. Strong images and a lot of action. It is quite rich. There are things I can relate too being a foreigner in the land I live in.. plenty of TEFL going on.

I hesitate to suggest a different word order, even though I may switch a few hear or there.... but I know you pay close attention to such details and I have recently come to see that while a juggling chosen words can make a slight difference, it rarely makes a bad poem a good poem. This is already a good poem.

I would suggest a change of idea in the last two lines though. I am not sure introducing a father /daughter relationship adds anything to the humanity of it already portrayed. As a view of a struggling young female in the world, it does fine without it.

Enjoyed.
Suzanne

[ray miller]

Thanks, Suzanne. I shall eventually change the last 2 lines. It would be better if I'd owned the daughter myself rather than referring in 3rd person. But as you and Ian say, there's probably a better way to end altogether.

[Suzanne]

I'm still so slow... It's a sonnet, duh.

I think the last two lines can change to what she thinks/feels and it would end well. I have no idea what she would say but I would be interested to hear it. Her reflection or hope or projection....

Just an idea.
Suzanne

[David]

Wow. I didn't very much of that at all, certainly nothing about climate change or state of the nation. I read it as being about a daughter you were afraid lived a bit near the edge and was in danger of being taken advantage of by various evil chaps.

Exactly, although as the father of a teenage daughter - just the one, Ray, I don't know how you do it - "chaps" isn't the word I'd have used.

It's a resonant title, and very well-chosen. All your double meanings passed me by completely - didn't Paul Muldoon say something about the number of meanings a poem can sensibly contain? - but the meaning, in the light of which Ros and I interpreted this, came over very well. It's very good. The conga couplet, especially, is chillingly effective in conveying a fond father's worst fears.

The other, Spengleresque level of meaning I don't find particularly attractive. (And to be honest, I hardly find it at all.) Quit while you're ahead. Father, daughter, big bad world. Very good. But yes, change the last couplet.

Cheers

David

[Antcliff]

Hi Ray
Enjoyed it but read it as Ros did - worries about daughter on edge. IMHO..I don't think it could be said to work on another political level as well...that is all too distant from the text. The sexual imagery is of course also so pervasive that it is hard to take the poem to be really engaged with matters other than fatherly worries in, er, that area. Congas, etc.
Ant

[ray miller]

Thanks, David and Antcliff. Interesting thoughts. Which title did you find resonant, David?

[David]

Which title did you find resonant, David?

The current one, I think - It's Closing Time ...