Seeking New Premises

[ray miller]

Until the thaw begins, tobogganing's
the white-knuckle ride, par excellence;
the whoosh of the wind
and the unbroken bend
to swerve undisturbed dog excrement.

In this rarefied air the uncritical ear
is unable to rumble the avalanche;
the snow-blinded eye
does not see what may lie
underfoot or over the precipice.

We hurtle in sight of the tipping point
and slalom ephemeral effigies;
reconsider that shit
and the size of those prints,
there's a polar bear seeking new premises.

[Mic]

Global warming? Enjoyed the ride and the sentiment.
(And it also reminded me of a hair-raising tabagon ride I did last week in Davos when, pissed as farts and feeling queasy after an impossibly cheesy fondu, we hurtled down a 20 minute-long slope at midnight, by moonlight.)

[ray miller]

Tabagon? Fondu? Sounds like you still are pissed. Just the sort of irresponsible behaviour that brings shame on this planet. What's global warming?

[Suzanne]

Ray,

"reconsider that shit" is a very funny line.

This was fun to read, nice to say aloud and I enjoyed the images.
I thought the flow was good and the pace matched the feel of the down hill ride.

enjoy the bit of fun, Ray, thanks-
Suzanne

(I must also admit that Mic, your reply was quite entertaining as well.. lol.)

[Marc]

Enjoyed this Ray. Slightly puzzled by 3rd stanza. First two straightforward enough but the third threw me...if this is a poem about tobogganing ok, but the polar bear doesn't belong there. If it's turning into a metaphor concerning global warming then I'm left feeling uncertain about all the detail re dog shit etc and whether that's a distraction...
A Jekyll and Hyde pom I feel. But nonetheless it was working nicely as a winter sports poem and maybe should be left that way?

Cheers,
Marc

[ray miller]

Thank you Suzanne and Marc.
It's a poem about tobogganing and it is a metaphor.The shit is a metaphor and the polar bear not belonging there is a metaphor and the prints are a metaphor. The ephemeral effigies are snowmen.

[rushme]

i'm fairly gagging at the word tobogganing

if the polarbear is seeking new premises it can only mean one thing - so the metaphors do work.

[ray miller]

rushme. ta. Is there something innately funny about tobogganing? The polar bear could have escaped from a zoo, of course, and this climate change stuff be just a load of malarkey.

[rushme]

no not funny - gagging as in choking - in the pronouncing! you see english is not my native tongue

tobogganing - where would the emphasis be?

[Ros]

no not funny - gagging as in choking - in the pronouncing! you see english is not my native tongue

tobogganing - where would the emphasis be?

On the bog, I'm afraid.

[rushme]

haha! that's a good one!! hit the spot!

[Arian]

On the bog, I'm afraid.

I confess it made me smile, too.

[juliadebeauvoir]

Dear Ray,
I liked the easy flow of the opening lines. Thought that 'to swerve undisturbed dog excrement' was a bit of a mouthful (no gross pun intended). It wasn't as easy as 'the whoosh of the wind and the unbroken bend".

Until the thaw begins, tobogganing's
the white-knuckle ride, par excellence;
the whoosh of the wind
and the unbroken bend
to swerve undisturbed dog excrement.

In this rarefied air the uncritical ear
is unable to rumble the avalanche;
the snow-blinded eye
does not see what may lie
underfoot or over the precipice.

Sounds like marriage...

"In this rarefied air the uncritical ear' again has that easy Raystyle about it. I am not sure 'is unable to rumble the avalance' is understandable. I know what you are trying to say but how would an ear 'rumble' anything. So, if an avalanche falls and no one is there to hear it....?

We hurtle in sight of the tipping point
and slalom ephemeral effigies;
reconsider that shit
and the size of those prints,
there's a polar bear seeking new premises.

Suggestion: "We hurtle within site of the tipping point"

I had to look up 'slalom' bu I still like it even though on first read I wasn't sure what it was. I am assuming that you are reconsidering the dog shit in verse one as now Polar poop!

Cheers,
Kim

[ray miller]

Dear Jools, thanks.Yes, I think you're right about swerve undisturbed. I did have something else but now I can't remember what it was.Very much like marriage! "rumble" can also mean to detect.
Why "within site"?
Yes, what was thought to be dog is polar bear.