Runt.

This is a serious poetry forum not a "love-in". Post here for more detailed, constructive criticism.
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ton321
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Thu Oct 10, 2024 4:06 am

Revision

It's true, my brother was taller and better looking than me.
Women ogled him on the street, while I followed in his wake.
I’m five foot something , he was six foot three.
I lived in his shadow. He was the real Mccoy, and i the fake.

I went to flea markets for my clothes, wore dead mans shoes.
He had money to burn on designer labels, fancy jeans.
He was up and coming, and I was yesterdays news.
He blew it all but I lived within my means.

The accountant has been marking it all in his ledger book,
with the accrued sum and the amount to be repaid,
with a goose quill and a stern Victorian look.
People make money off those who want to get laid.

Now if I look in the mirror, am I more handsome, or he?
I no longer believe in what my eyes can see.

Runt.


It's true, my brother was taller and better looking than me.
Women ogled him on the street, while I followed in his wake.
I’m five foot something , he was six foot three.
I lived in his shadow. He was the real McCoy, and i the fake.

I went to markets for my clothes, wore dead-mans' shoes.
He had money to burn on designer labels, fancy jeans.
He was up and coming, and I was yesterdays news.
He blew it all but I lived within my meagre means.

And though he’s dead I still have more than him(you).
(Do they have fifty inch Oled TV’s in the grave?)
My modest fifty-fifty vision will do
compared to what those stiffs will Autosave.

But would I trade the new technology
for at least least an hour, for him to be with me?
Last edited by ton321 on Wed Nov 06, 2024 4:36 am, edited 1 time in total.
Counting the beats,
Counting the slow heart beats,
The bleeding to death of time in slow heart beats,
Wakeful they lie.

Robert Graves
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Thu Oct 10, 2024 8:36 am

14 lines! Great title. Liked ogled/Oled.

while I followed in his wake
I couple of familiar phrases in the lines, perhaps to ground the poem?
while I hollered/hollowed in his wake
Perhaps I have poetic tendencies :lol:
wore dead-mans' shoes
I've done that (well, a dead cousin actually)
ton321
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Tue Oct 15, 2024 1:51 pm

Thanks Mac for taking a look and the suggestions
Tony
Counting the beats,
Counting the slow heart beats,
The bleeding to death of time in slow heart beats,
Wakeful they lie.

Robert Graves
Ryder
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Tue Oct 22, 2024 11:21 am

Nice, and a good finish.
ton321
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Thu Oct 31, 2024 9:34 am

Thanks Ryder
Counting the beats,
Counting the slow heart beats,
The bleeding to death of time in slow heart beats,
Wakeful they lie.

Robert Graves
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