Boat Trip

[ray miller]

A city sliding serpentine,
the swans upon the Severn stream
towards us sinuous, then curve
away as we draw close. She strokes
the river from our boat, swallows
suicidal dive then bank and soar
the jeopardy to punctuate the canopy.
All is floaty, on the bridges
cars and buses undulate
and shimmer in the summer haze.
Fingers circling tiny eddies,
she whispers to me in italics
the world will not stay straight.

[camus]

On first read I thought the alliteration somewhat excessive, but no, once read as a whole it slips and slides wonderfully.

Loved the ending:

she whispers to me in italics
the world will not stay straight.

Could be seen as gently humorous, or have darker connotations?

Anyhow a fine return, good to see you posting, I thought you'd retired!

Cheers
Kris

[ton321]

Hi ray

There's something sensuous about snaky sibilants, but seriously, nice piece.
Nice last line.

Tony

[ray miller]

Thanks both. I'd not realised how alliterative those opening lines are. No, I've not retired, I just forget where I'm supposed to be quite a lot.

[Macavity]

Agree with Kris on the excellent ending, though perhaps a quieter touch on the sibilance and canopy/haphazardly/floaty could do with one less. Liked the shimmer of cars and buses, lets hope the summer haze comes soon!

[jisbell00]

Hi Ray,

That's a fine last line. I enjoyed your feminine endings, they seemed a propos.

Cheers,
John

[ray miller]

Thanks all. I decided, after Phil's comments, that this line would have to go -
and splash the sky haphazardly.