T.M. (new ending)

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CalebPerry
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Wed Jun 22, 2022 9:26 pm

third try:

Vertigo

Ho hum.
I want to love this famous
deceased poet’s words; every
line inspired, all thoughts high,
water vapor in a silver sky.

But my life isn’t up there
reaching for the gods.
It hovers over sticky keys;
it speaks in tones from a telephone;
it moves about in bytes and bauds.

Her words are meant to impress,
and I don’t mean to resist. She tries
to tie my spirit to a bird’s song,
but I demur. When did the miracle
of life need a publicist?
I live my life close to the ground,
listening for a cat’s purr.


second try:

Feeling Ordinary

Ho hum.
I want to love this famous
deceased poet’s words; every
line inspired, all thoughts high,
water vapor in a silver sky.

But my life isn’t up there
reaching for the gods.
It hovers over sticky keys;
it speaks in tones from a telephone;
it moves about in bytes and bauds.

She tries to lift me up, and I
am awed, but not in the way
she wants; she hooks my spirit
to a bird’s song, but I demur.
I live my life closer to the ground,
listening for a cat’s purr.

original:

T.M.

Ho hum.
I want to love this famous
deceased poet’s words; every
line inspired, all thoughts high,
water vapor in a silver sky.

But my life isn’t up there
reaching for the gods.
It hovers over sticky keys;
it speaks in tones from a telephone;
my life drips out in bauds.

She wants to lift me up, and I
am awed; she hooks my spirit
to a bird’s song. But I demur.
I live my life close to the ground,
listening for a cat’s purr.

~end~

The T.M. stands for Toni Morrison. I came across five of her poems on one page on the internet, and I felt that she was trying too hard to be inspiring. So I wrote my own poem in which I try too hard to be poetic.
Last edited by CalebPerry on Sun Jun 26, 2022 11:08 pm, edited 15 times in total.
If you don't like the black theme, it is easy to switch to a lighter color. Just ask me how.

If I don't critique your poem, it is probably because I don't understand it.
Macavity
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Thu Jun 23, 2022 4:58 am

Welcome back Caleb. Hope all is well. Yes, tastes will always vary, though I know what you mean by 'trying too hard' and a preference for grounded poetry. Of course, poetry does have a history of manifestos. Anyway back to your poem. Particularly liked demur/purr rhyme and tones/telephone. The imagery of water vapour/sticky keys was effective. L1 was fun. Didn't understand the use of bauds.

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Phil
The lyf so short, the craft so long to lerne.
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CalebPerry
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Thu Jun 23, 2022 5:44 am

Thank you, Phil. I might be using "bauds" wrong. It's an electronic measurement used in communications equipment.

My concern was the final stanza, which feels a little awkward to me, but maybe I need to get rid of "bauds" too.

This is the first poem I've written in about half a year. I had Omicron in January and February. It left me looking the same, but I feel much more tired and old.
If you don't like the black theme, it is easy to switch to a lighter color. Just ask me how.

If I don't critique your poem, it is probably because I don't understand it.
Macavity
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Thu Jun 23, 2022 5:38 pm

No, keep bauds. Interesting and creative use of the word. The last stanza reads fine.

best

Phil
The lyf so short, the craft so long to lerne.
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CalebPerry
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Thu Jun 23, 2022 7:29 pm

So, for you, does the poem work? I increasingly look for language that has a transcendent quality, and I'm not sure this one does, so I'll keep looking at it.

I'll try not to disappear this time.
If you don't like the black theme, it is easy to switch to a lighter color. Just ask me how.

If I don't critique your poem, it is probably because I don't understand it.
ray miller
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Thu Jun 23, 2022 7:35 pm

To me, and most people I should think. T.M. means Transcendental Meditation. It occurred to me that you're aware of this and are using it deliberately, but probably not. Anyway, I think you could find a better title. I don't understand bauds even after googling it. Not keen on the repetition of "inspired".

She wants to lift me up, and hook
my spirit to a bird’s song.

Might be better. Anyway, great ending and the subject matter is right up my street.
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.
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CalebPerry
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Thu Jun 23, 2022 7:59 pm

Ray, very good points. Curiously, the poem as saved on my hard drive has only one "inspired" in it, and I have now inserted the language I am using there.

I've also made a couple other changes. I'm still open to scrapping "bauds".

I didn't even think about Transcendental Meditation. Never occurred to me.

Bauds are one of those units, like bits and bytes, that electronic equipment speak in or use as a measurement. Bauds are associated with communication.

Personally, I think I'm saying "my life" too often in the poem.
If you don't like the black theme, it is easy to switch to a lighter color. Just ask me how.

If I don't critique your poem, it is probably because I don't understand it.
Macavity
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Thu Jun 23, 2022 8:34 pm

My initial impression is that the revision is more fluent.

Best

Phil
The lyf so short, the craft so long to lerne.
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Lia
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Thu Jun 23, 2022 8:46 pm

Hi Caleb,

Interesting to read a poem that speaks of another poet committed to transcendence, and yet find something far more meaningful here (based on my personal taste, of course). Interesting too, how your S2 measures against TM's soundbites, but is more honest. I enjoy,

"water vapor in a silver sky"

"my life drips out in bauds"

and

"she hooks my spirit
to a bird’s song"

As you suggest, if you're able to remove the last 'my life' then I think this poem will read very well indeed.

Lia
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Leaf
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Thu Jun 23, 2022 9:26 pm

Hi Caleb,

It's good to see you posting again :)

I like the revision too. You've removed Toni Morrison and I think the poem works for that. I'm not familiar with her poetry, so if you hadn't provided a note with your original version I wouldn't have known what was meant by 'T.M.' As you know, I don't really have time to read much poetry, but I think the 'want to love' in S1 will chime with a lot of readers. And I really like 'water vapor in a silver sky'.

I find S2 appealing too. I hadn't known the word 'bauds', and it's good to learn new words, so thank you! And S3 is also satisfying. I like the distinction between the bird and the cat, not least because it makes me think of those characters and their music in Peter and the Wolf. Anyway, I'm just tired and rambling and probably not much use; I'll try to pop in tomorrow :)

Best wishes,
Fliss
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CalebPerry
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Fri Jun 24, 2022 6:33 am

Thank you, Lia and Leaf. The poem is getting close to something that I think might be good, but I'm not in love with it yet. Right now it is a "near miss". I think I'll be working on this one for a while.
If you don't like the black theme, it is easy to switch to a lighter color. Just ask me how.

If I don't critique your poem, it is probably because I don't understand it.
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CalebPerry
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Sun Jun 26, 2022 9:06 pm

I have posted another version. It still feels somewhat unfinished to me. The word "life" is still repeated too much.
If you don't like the black theme, it is easy to switch to a lighter color. Just ask me how.

If I don't critique your poem, it is probably because I don't understand it.
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