Lake Petenwell ***Comp Entry***

[juliadebeauvoir]

This is Lake Petenwell--the second largest body of water in Wisconsin. A great day with the camera in April, before the first blooms. The water was perfect.

[cameron]

Is that the Lake Petenwell Monster i can see in the second photograph?

[juliadebeauvoir]

Yes, "Pete" often comes out to say hello.

[Wabznasm]

That's an amazing picture/setting.

[Wabznasm]

Petenwell's Unsuccessful Triolet



This is the ideal dream for me.
Among stretched twigs I’ve no words left
for roads, drab cars; can't they all see
this is the ideal dream? For me
that occluded shore is beauty
but un-real. What a hopeless heft
this is, the ideal! Dream for me
among stretched twigs. I’ve no words left.

Dave

[barrie]

The first one is the best - Why do you say they're crap? Let us be the judge of that - You're right, they are. Seriously, I think they're good - what spoils the second one is the image of the old car, creeps into the image of the lake itself, if you know what I mean - Man's fingerprints greasing up the mirror again.

The only thing that I'd change in the first one is -

'A shame I’m fiscally bereft' - The lack of money should be celebrated for the awareness of the natural world that it's partly responsible for. (I would say 'Thank God I'm fiscally bereft' - But there's been too much of that going in just lately.)

Good stuff, good form.

Barrie

[Wabznasm]

Cheers Barrie,

As for the car thing, that's not really how I'm trying to angle this. The 'I have no money' is meant to express that I can't explore this dream, it's just an ideal. I was hoping for a rather depressing ending where the N's dreams simply cant be reached. Still, the form lets it work either way, doesn't it?

Ta for the comments though, nice to hear that they aren't that bad!

Dave

[David]

OK Dave, I haven't engaged with one of your poems for a while, partly because I'm never sure I'm doing them justice - not so much in relation to the poems themselves, but because you must be the best, most painstaking close reader we have.

Still, all that time and effort you put in on behalf of other people deserves to be rewarded - not that I regard this as any sort of reward, you understand - so I'll have a bash at this one. Just don't expect the same in-depth view you usually achieve.

Well, I'm going to take my life in my hands and disagree with the venerable Bazza - I prefer the first version.

For me
it is! But my motor says we
lack money. What a hopeless heft
this is, the ideal!

I just find that too prosaic, too much (dread words) telling, not showing. (Although hopeless heft itself is actually a really nice phrase, far better than fiscally bereft in the first version, which just seems a little arch and twee - a circumlocution too far.)

In both versions there are opacities - stretched twigs, for instance (this is just me being thick, I'm sure), and I'm not sure who the buyers are, either.

If for nothing else - and it's not for nothing else - that occluded shore is beauty would be the tie-breaker for me. Lovely phrase.

Good poem.

And not forgetting Kim - good pictures!

Cheers

David

[barrie]

Well, I'm going to take my life in my hands and disagree with the venerable Bazza - I prefer the first version.

David - I prefer the first version. What gave you the idea that I preferred the second?

Specsavers

[David]

David - I prefer the first version. What gave you the idea that I preferred the second? That's a relief - I was beginning to doubt my critical perspicuity.

Now I'm beginning to doubt my optical perspicuity. Specsavers here I come.

[Wabznasm]

Haha, I was a little confused by your disagreeing with Barrie too!

Anyway, I greatly appreciate the compliments David. Close reading is a reward in itself - I like to think I improve...

I'm placed in the same awkward situation as you, since I don't quite love either of the poem's middles. V2, for me, relates better to the following line but, as you say, comes out as prosaic.

I'll change the 'buyers' to the original 'they'. That should clear something up.

The twigs are those lovely, arching branches in the second picture. A pretty aslant referece though, I don't think the poem could stand on its own legs without the picture as a crutch.

EDIT - Ok, I've combined the two into some form of 'ultra-poem'. The hyphen in 'un-real' is just a little nudge of the iambic tetrameter. Here's a question actually. Is an iambic tetrameter the same as an 8 syllable line? Surely you can make a 'dum dum' rhythm with any splitting up of words?

Thanks for comments. If anything I can take away the phrase 'optical perspicuity'!

Dave