Flame shines upon Grandma’s last moments - Shen He

[Lake]

Flame shines upon Grandma’s last moments

Revised

Flames swallow the dry firewood
and warm the coldness
Sitting in front of the kitchen stove
as the red light licks along her wrinkles
grandma, narrowing her eyes
watches the wood turn to charcoal
then ash

No one knew
how much firewood remained in her body
as the kindling stored in each person varied
Her countenance, the way she walked
suggested there should be more
but she was burnt out, extinguished, way below our expectations
we didn't even see the last flash of light


Original

Flame swallows the dry firewood
warms the coldness
Sitting in front of the kitchen stove
as the red light licks along her wrinkles
grandma, narrowing her eyes
watches the wood turn to charcoal
then ashes

No one knows
how much firewood left in her body
as the firewood stored in each person varies.
Her countenance, the way she walks
shows there should be more
She’s burnt out, extinguished, far off our expectation
we haven’t even seen the last flash of light

.

[Elphin]

I am liking Shen He a lot, Lake.

as the red light licks along her wrinkles - isnt that a wonderful phrase

This is a lovely poem. A couple of little things - sometimes you have punctuated, other times not and the two firewoods so close in l2 and l3 of s2. I wonder if you could use something different, like kindling to replace the second firewood.

Enjoyed lots - hope you translate more

elph

[Lake]

as the red light licks along her wrinkles - isnt that a wonderful phrase

Glad you liked it. I was thinking if it makes sense. Now I feel better.

This is a lovely poem. A couple of little things - sometimes you have punctuated, other times not and the two firewoods so close in l2 and l3 of s2. I wonder if you could use something different, like kindling to replace the second firewood.

Elphin, you are a problem solver. I realized the repetition as what David pointed in my other translation. I was thinking to use a pronoun to replace the second firewood, but it didn't work,so I chose an easy/lazy way. Thanks again for the kindling to enlighten me.

I'll make some edits accordingly.

Much appreciation.

Lake

[twoleftfeet]

Another fine poem, Lake.

I like Elph's suggestion wrt "kindling"

The ending confuses me a little : the title suggests she is on the point of physical death but the poem seems to
imply that it is only her lust-for-life that has gone.
Is this alternative suggestion wrong?

Her countenance, the way she walks,
show there should be more
She’s burnt out, extinguished, beyond our expectations
we didn't even see the last flash of light

Geoff

[Lake]

I like Elph's suggestion wrt "kindling"

The ending confuses me a little : the title suggests she is on the point of physical death but the poem seems to
imply that it is only her lust-for-life that has gone.
Is this alternative suggestion wrong?

Her countenance, the way she walks,
show there should be more
She’s burnt out, extinguished, beyond our expectations
we didn't even see the last flash of light

Geoff

Hi Geoff,

Thank you for coming over to help. I like Elph's 'kindling', too.

Re 'show', I see what you mean - use the plural sense.

The ending, she died too much earlier than we expected, we hoped she could've lived longer. 'beyond our expectations' sounds to me she lived longer than we expected. The expression in the original is a bit unusual. Will 'way off our expectations' work? Or is it still cumbersome?

I'm totally confused with the tense. That the present tense is used in the poem makes me undecided if present or past tense should be used in the last line. Or would it be better to just use the past tense throughout the whole poem?

Another verb agreement question wrt 'Flame shines'. Should I say 'flames shine'?

These may not be any questions to you but they bother me a lot.

Much appreciation!

Lake

[twoleftfeet]

The ending, she died too much earlier than we expected, we hoped she could've lived longer. 'beyond our expectations' sounds to me she lived longer than we expected. The expression in the original is a bit unusual. Will 'way off our expectations' work? Or is it still cumbersome?

Yes it would work, I think.
"Way below.." might be more precise though.

I'm totally confused with the tense. That the present tense is used in the poem makes me undecided if present or past tense should be used in the last line. Or would it be better to just use the past tense throughout the whole poem?

That's a toughie..
The present tense in S1 definitely suggest s (to me) that she is still alive.
Personally I'd be tempted to leave S1 as it is, but change S2 to the past tense. See what others think.

Another verb agreement question wrt 'Flame shines'. Should I say 'flames shine'?

Another toughie.
"Flames shine" sounds more natural (English wise), but "flame shines" sounds more poetic , reminiscent of
languages that have no article and (maybe) implying personification.
I would go with "flame shines" (and also "ash" rather than "ashes") because they suggest to me that they are
synonyms for the Elements (Fire, Earth), but that's just me

Geoff
btw maybe "last moments" would be better than "last moment" in the title?

[R. Broath]

I am another infrequent visitor here, Lake, but it is worth the trip to happen on such a lovely write.
All of the suggestions you have had so far are working to make it even better.

Your concern over 'Flames shine' or 'Flame shines' shows your commitment to the poem and is commendable.

My personal suggestion would be to keep the original 'Flame shines'. To me this suggests a metaphorical light which imbues the grandmother; an spark of internal fire kept burning despite the onset of age or infirmity.
To differentiate the 'Flame' of the title from the opening line I would use 'Flames swallow' - giving the reader a chance to ponder the implications of the word in both literal and metaphorical connotations.

I hope I have explained my reasoning in a precise way.
Whatever you decide, this is a memorable and well-worked read. Thank you.

Jimmy

[Elphin]

Hi Lake

Some really helpful input from Geoff, I think he is pretty much spot on with his advice. Jimmy too - flames swallow is a good idea.

elph

[Lake]

"Way below.." might be more precise though.

I like this, "way below".

That's a toughie..
The present tense in S1 definitely suggest s (to me) that she is still alive.
Personally I'd be tempted to leave S1 as it is, but change S2 to the past tense. See what others think.

I'll give it a try.

Another toughie.
"Flames shine" sounds more natural (English wise), but "flame shines" sounds more poetic,reminiscent of languages that have no article and (maybe) implying personification.
I would go with "flame shines" (and also "ash" rather than "ashes") because they suggest to me that they are synonyms for the Elements (Fire, Earth), but that's just me

Very good interpretations.

btw maybe "last moments" would be better than "last moment" in the title?

Agreed. Will have it changed.

Thank you very much, Geoff.

Lake

[Lake]

Jimmy,

Glad to see you drop by. You explained it very clearly. I'll have it revised like what you suggested.

Thank you for your comment.

Elph,

Thanks again for your contribution. I'll use your suggested words in the revision.

Lake