Gone, No Return (He Jun)

[Lake]

流去不回

喧嚣让我们的耳根不能清净
浮躁却悄悄耗去我们的生命

蓦然回首，月华如水流走
我们的身边走了一拨又一拨人

而自己即将是人流中的一员
流去不回。流去，永不回

我们是否逮住生命的尾巴？
是否还想青春一回，阳光一回？

这时，我们最需要抽身而去
回到内心的名山大川沐浴

吹吹清风，听听流水
然后，融进清风与流水

耳根清净，心灵也清净
做自己的事，走自己的路

让过眼的云烟飘飘而逝
让一现的昙花留下清芬


Gone, No Return(Tr. Lake)

The noise keeps our mind calmless,
while impetuosity has silently wasted our lives.

A sudden turn-around: moonlight flows like water,
people among us are gone one after another

And I myself, one of them, will be
gone with no return. Gone, never return.

Are we to hold onto the end of our lives,
to be young again, sunny again?

Now, we must leave and return
to our internal mountains and rivers.

Walk in the breeze listening to the flowing
water, then mesmerize ourselves in it .

keep our ears quiet, mind serene.
Do our own things, go our own way.

Let fleeting clouds and smokes float away.
Let briefly bloomed flowers leave their fragrance.

.

[ccvulture]

Excellent. Can I offer "impetuosity" in the first verse?

Otherwise, rather ghostly meditation. I don't figure the Cantonese for the obvious reason that I don't understand any of it. I'll take your word that the translation is accurate

Thanks a lot

Stuart

[Lake]

Thank you Stuart for your read and comment. Your point is gladly taken, "ty" sounds much better than "ness".

I'm not fluent in Cantonese either.

Thanks for your help,

Lake

[twoleftfeet]

Lake,

This is a beautiful poem that I will have to return to later as I'm not convinced that I understand it.

For now I can only make the following suggestions/comments:

"calmless"
- is this a neologism? It has a strange negative aspect, like "motionful". I'm not sure whether I like it or not..

"Gone never return"
perhaps "gone never to return"?

"smokes"
- I think "smoke" would be better

Keep it up
Geoff

[Lake]

Hi Geoff,

I am so glad that you've come to help. 'calmless', I admit I made it up. Or, 'disturbed'?

I'll take your other two suggestions.

Hard to keep a balance between literal translation and free translation. A reader offered another version of some phrases. Would you mind having a look at these two versions?

The noise keeps our mind calmless,
while impetuosity has silently wasted our lives.

Noises keep disturbing our ears (literal)
while impetuosity has silently worn our lives.

A sudden turn-around

in sudden retrospect(free)

Are we to hold onto the end of our lives,

the tails of our lives (literal)


keep our ears quiet, mind serene (or pure?)

Soothe our ears, soothe our hearts

Looking forward to your opinion.

Thanks,

Lake

[barrie]

Nice poem, Lake.

I'd like to add a few suggestions -

The noise keeps our minds clouded,
while impetuosity has silently wasted our lives.

A sudden turn-around: moonlight flows like water,
people among us are gone one after another

And I myself, one of them, will be
gone with no way back. Gone, never to return.

Are we to hold onto the end of our lives,
to be young again, sunny again?

Now, we must leave and return
to our internal mountains and rivers.

To walk in the breeze listening to the flowing
water, allowing it to mesmerize us.

keep our ears quiet, mind serene.
Do our own things, go our own way.

Let fleeting clouds and smoke float away.
let ephemeral flowers leave their fragrance.

nice one

Barrie

[twoleftfeet]

Lake,

Barrie has made some good suggestions here.
"Clouded" is perfect IMHO, because it dovetails in with the last two lines.

wrt "wasted/worn"
you might consider "frittered away","dissipated", or "squandered".

wrt "holding on to the ends/toils" - does this have the same sense as "retain" and "fruits of our labours"?
What is the poet's background - was he a Daoist? (It may give us a clue to his intended meaning)

Geoff

[Lake]

Thank you very much, Barrie! Your suggestions are well taken.

The noise keeps our minds clouded,
while impetuosity has silently wasted our lives.

I guess I have to become famous before I can coin words. That will never happen.

And I myself, one of them, will be
gone with no way back. Gone, never to return.

Then I think I need to change the title to "Gone, never to return".

Now, we must leave and return
to our internal mountains and rivers.

Honestly, there is something omitted here. In the original, there is "bathe", something like "... we must leave and return to our internal mountains and rivers and bathe in these mountains and rivers." I thought this is too much and don't know how to handle this short line with this much info. So I just ditched it. Anyway, it is allowable to add and cut some words and phrases in translation. But if there is any better way to translate, I am willing to take it.

To walk in the breeze listening to the flowing
water, allowing it to mesmerize us.

Why does it need "to" at the beginning? Can I change 'it' to 'them' in 'allowing them to mesmerize us' since 'them' refers to 'breeze and water'?

Let fleeting clouds and smoke float away.
let ephemeral flowers leave their fragrance.

'ephemeral' is great. At first I used the name of the flower then found it too technical. so changed it 'briefly bloomed flowers'. Your substitution is more succinct.

Thanks a bunch!

Lake

[Lake]

Lake,

Barrie has made some good suggestions here.
"Clouded" is perfect IMHO, because it dovetails in with the last two lines.

Good point.

wrt "wasted/worn"
you might consider "frittered away","dissipated", or "squandered".

"frittered away" is more close. Thanks for your Thesaurus.

wrt "holding on to the ends/toils" - does this have the same sense as "retain" and "fruits of our labours"?
What is the poet's background - was he a Daoist? (It may give us a clue to his intended meaning)

Geoff, you got the flavor of it. The writer used "the tails of our lives". When translating, I was afraid readers may find the expression too strange, so I took the liberty to change it to "the ends of our lives"/ to live young again, sunny again.

I don't know much about the writer, all I know is that he (now a teacher) was born in a farmer's family, living a country life till he went to college. After he graduated from college, he became interested in the Chinese mystic cultures, such as Daoism, Buddhism, Qi Gong, Ba Gua, Feng Shui... ( you know all these terms) So you can see his works is influenced by these schools.

Regards,

Lake

[twoleftfeet]

.

wrt "holding on to the ends/toils" - does this have the same sense as "retain" and "fruits of our labours"?
What is the poet's background - was he a Daoist? (It may give us a clue to his intended meaning)

Geoff, you got the flavor of it. The writer used "the tails of our lives". When translating, I was afraid readers may find the expression too strange, so I took the liberty to change it to "the ends of our lives"/ to live young again, sunny again.

I don't know much about the writer, all I know is that he (now a teacher) was born in a farmer's family, living a country life till he went to college. After he graduated from college, he became interested in the Chinese mystic cultures, such as Daoism, Buddhism, Qi Gong, Ba Gua, Feng Shui... ( you know all these terms) So you can see his works is influenced by these schools.

Lake

You could use "the tail-end of our lives", I suppose.
Interestingly, if the poet is into Buddhism he could be implying holding onto a circle i.e. Reincarnation,
although I must admit that is a bit of a stretch.

wrt "bathe/mountains/rivers" you might use "immerse ourselves in"..

Geoff

[Lake]

You could use "the tail-end of our lives"

Good idea. I'll take it.

wrt "bathe/mountains/rivers" you might use "immerse ourselves in"..

"immerse" is more appropriate in verse six. I'm thinking to use it to replace "mesmerize" in then mesmerize ourselves in it.

Interestingly, if the poet is into Buddhism he could be implying holding onto a circle i.e. Reincarnation,
although I must admit that is a bit of a stretch.

Not sure, but in a sense I think it is.

Thanks again, Geoff.

Lake