Haiku 汉俳(1-10)

[Lake]

雨滴(1)

激动的窗雨
稀释凝固的记忆
檐下点点滴

Raindrops

Raindrops dance on window
Dilute congealed memory
Drips under eave

沙鸥(2)

寒江浮轻舟
细雨空蒙淡淡愁
天地一沙鸥

Sand Gull

A light boat afloat
Fine rain dusts a gloomy mood
Sky and earth, lone gull

紫荆(3)

山色浮窗外
燕子低飞紫荆开
几朵落下来

Orchid

Mountain scene floats by
Swallows fly low, flowers bloom
A few petals fall

陨石(4)

失去了光泽
就默默隐入深山
听涧水低吟

Meteorite

Spent meteorite
Hides silent in deep mountains
Rift brook sings softly

晚霞(5)

秋高看晚霞
无边落叶萧萧下
鸟雀忙搬家

Sunset Clouds

Sunset clouds in sky
Fall leaves rustle and scatter
Birds busy moving

窗外(6)

画帘卷清风
一抹春色情更浓
窗外草青葱

Outside Window

Spring comes with deep love
Zephyr rolls up painted drape
Fresh green grass unfolds

读书(7)

山岚舞翠竹
清泉涓涓流不住
溪边好读书

Reading

Clear water trickles
Green bamboos dancing in haze
By the stream I read

两岸(8)

一江春水路
两岸桃花相对哭
寒鸥落何处

River Banks

River of spring water
Peach blossoms cry on two banks
Cold, where will gulls perch?

杜甫草堂(9)

风雨几多年
草堂凄清无落雁
诗魂几处见

Thatched Cottage of Du Fu

Years of rain and wind
Thatched cottage without swallows
Where is poet’s soul?

别(10)

此去何匆匆
岂知哪年花再红
漫步月色中

Leaving

Why leave in haste？
When will flowers again turn red?
Let’s stroll in moonlight

（As you can see there is a title to each verse, which is not required in Japanese haiku. Because of the difference in the two languages, some of them are not in strick 5-7-5 form ( I tried). Any suggestions are greatly appreciated.Thanks.)

[barrie]

Thatched Cottage.

After years of wind and rain
the thatchings house no swallows.
Where is the poet's soul?

I'll be back.

[twoleftfeet]

Lake,
You need to take care with subject and verb ending e.g a raindrop dripS, but raindropS drip

Here are a couple of suggestions:

Sand Gull

A light boat afloat
Fine rain dusts a gloomy mood
Between sky and earth, a lone gull


River Banks

River of spring water
Peach blossoms cry on both banks
In this cold, where will gulls perch?

Thanks for the read
Geoff

[Lake]

As always, thanks for your prompt and generous help, Barrie and Geoff!

Translation is really a challenge to me, especially between these two different languages.

In Haiku translation, sometimes I deliberately ditch some articles, prepositions, conjunctions and use incomplete sentences as long as the meaning is understandable. Actually, I have two versions of these haikus—one is in more of a prose form which maintains more loyal to the original but less concise and poetic; one is close in 5-7-5 haiku form with lots of pruning, even some meanings are sacrificed. But whatever I do, if they don’t sound right to your ears, there must be something wrong here.

Barrie, what is the thatchings house? I looked it up it sounds like a guest house. In this poem it is a house whose roof is made of straws and reeds (simple and crude)and where Poet Du Fu lived.


I can add the article “The” since it is not over-syllabled.

I like “no swallows” better than “without swallows”.

Please come back soon.

Geoff, I see the point in your suggestions, they are all grammatically correct.

1. Drips, can I use it as a noun? I once wrote Dripping under the eave. A friend of mine did not like too many –ings in haiku, saying each syllable in haiku is so precious and –ings sound distant not intimate. So both ‘–ing’ and ‘the’ were deleted as:

Drips under eave

2. Between sky and earth, a lone gull
That’s how I did in other version.

3. In this cold, where will gulls perch?
Can I say “where will cold gulls perch?” I try to stick it to haiku form if possible.
The original should be “A river of spring water”, now without ‘a’ will there be any ambiguity?

# I also find it hard if I should translate word by word. If I do, there might be some confusions, if I don’t some originality will be lost. As in the first one the literal meaning of the first line is:

Excited raindrops on the window

I don’t know if it makes sense to the reader, so I changed it to a more acceptable phrase

Raindrops dance on window

Any thought on that?

Greatly appreciated! Please keep coming.

[barrie]

Lake

Thatchings is a noun - It just means the reeds (or what other material is used) that make up the roof. House is a verb, meaning to give shelter to.

Barrie

[Lake]

Barrie,

Now I see. I like your version better than mine.
We don't need to repeat the title and I see your play of the word, thatch. Great!

Lake

[twoleftfeet]

Geoff, I see the point in your suggestions, they are all grammatically correct.

1. Drips, can I use it as a noun? I once wrote Dripping under the eave. A friend of mine did not like too many –ings in haiku, saying each syllable in haiku is so precious and –ings sound distant not intimate. So both ‘–ing’ and ‘the’ were deleted as:

Drips under eave
.

Sorry, Lake, I didn't spot that - yes, of course you can have the noun "drips" - but without a full stop after "memory"
it is hard to read it like that: you have the pattern "raindrops......,.dilute......,drip".
If you supply another verb it will be obvious:
"Drips run under eaves"
Or
Raindrops dance on window,
Dilute congealed memory:
Drips under the eaves
- I have never heard "eave" used in the singular, and always with "the"

I quite like the sound of this (and it's 5-7-5 !) :

Raindrops window-dance,
dilute congealed memory,
drip under the eaves
.[/quote]

3. In this cold, where will gulls perch?
Can I say “where will cold gulls perch?” I try to stick it to haiku form if possible.
.

-by all means

The original should be
“A river of spring water”, now without ‘a’ will there be any ambiguity?
.

- No, it should be OK. You could probably even get away with
"Spring water river"

I'm assuming it is a river in flood caused by melting ice, but of course "spring-water" is also "a natural flow of
ground water" (or so it says in the dictionary ; think "babbling brook") so you have to be careful here.

# I also find it hard if I should translate word by word. If I do, there might be some confusions, if I don’t some originality will be lost. As in the first one the literal meaning of the first line is:

Excited raindrops on the window

I don’t know if it makes sense to the reader, so I changed it to a more acceptable phrase

Raindrops dance on window

Any thought on that?

I like the personification in "excited raindrops on the window" but that's nine syllables....
It's a fine balancing act - too may syllables and you lose the inherent succinctness of haiku (less is more), but too
few and the poem may seem vague or condescendingly metaphysical like a scene from a bad martial arts film
("Confucius, he say ........) or worse still removing "a"s and "the"s may make it sound like pidgin English.

I hope this helps
Grasshopper

[barrie]

Spent meteorite
Hides silent in deep mountains
Rift brook sings softly

Meteorite hides deep
in the silent mountains.
From the ravine
a stream sings.

[Lake]

I am so glad to have received these many constructive suggestions.

Geoff,

I quite like the sound of this (and it's 5-7-5 !) :

Raindrops window-dance,
dilute congealed memory,
drip under the eaves

I like it, too. But that 'excited' ( as you mentioned its 'personification') always lingers in my mind. If it is used, then the form has to be stretched a bit, I'm afraid.

Yes, I agree it is a fine balancing act. But definitely, I don't want the translation sounds pidgin. Other points are well taken, too.

Thanks again, Grasshopper(?)! I once wrote a poem about grasshoppers.

Lake

[Lake]

Spent meteorite
Hides silent in deep mountains
Rift brook sings softly

Meteorite hides deep
in the silent mountains.
From the ravine
a stream sings.

Barrie,

I feel someone understands some Chinese here. Did you look up the Chinese characters?
Your version is faithful to the original especially in the last two lines which I like. My strategies in translation have to be adjusted-- the form can be stretched if you don't want the meaning lost in translation.

I'll go back and edit my version. Another ten haiku will follow...

Many thanks to you both, Geoff and Barrie!

Lake

[barrie]

'Sunset clouds in sky
Fall leaves rustle and scatter
Birds busy moving'

Under evening's clouds,
coloured leaves rustle,
scattered by birds.

[Lake]

Thanks Barrie for another alternative.

Yours is good though the meaning changed a bit in the last line:

'scattered by birds'

The original,

'birds busy moving', means birds busy to relocate...

Maybe it is not clear?

Thanks,

Lake