Autumn Cicada - Liu Jinxiong

[Lake]

秋蟬
劉金雄/台灣

一聲蟬鳴
竟有一個夏天這麼長

循著聲音找
只看見爬在樹上
幾隻假動作的
蟬蛻

風吹過空心的蛻
無聲
抖了一下
掉落時仍維持著
夏天的姿勢

Autumn Cicada

A single cicada’s cry
actually lasts as long as a whole summer

Following the sound
I find a few cicada’s shells
in deceptive movement
crawling on the tree

The wind blows through the hollow slough
soundless
then with a quiver
it falls, still maintaining
the summer’s posture

.

[twoleftfeet]

Autumn Cicada

A single cicada’s cry
actually lasts as long as a whole summer

Following the sound
I find a few cicada’s shells
in deceptive movement
crawling on the tree

The wind blows through the hollow slough
soundless
then with a quiver
it falls, still maintaining
the summer’s posture

.

Hi, Lake

It's good to see you posting again.

I have some minor reservations about S2:

I think "cicada shells" would be better.
There must be a technical term for the difference, but I don't know what it is..
e.g "cat hairs" as opposed to "cat's hairs".

Also "in deceptive movement" -
We already have the idea of "motion" in the verb "crawl", plus the deception belongs to "crawling" i.e the shells are not
really crawling) rather than movement (i.e the shells really are moving) .
I hope that makes sense.

In S3 there is a slight problem with the subject of "it falls" which, as it stands, is the wind rather than the slough.

Also I would be tempted to end with "the posture of summer".

Let's see what others have to say.

Regards
Geoff

[Lake]

Hi Geoff,

Glad to read your feedback. I am not sure about this translation.

I think "cicada shells" would be better.
There must be a technical term for the difference, but I don't know what it is..
e.g "cat hairs" as opposed to "cat's hairs".

I think I am confused by the possessive noun and adjective noun, if that is the term in this discussion.
But I agree with your choice.

Also "in deceptive movement" -
We already have the idea of "motion" in the verb "crawl", plus the deception belongs to "crawling" i.e the shells are not
really crawling) rather than movement (i.e the shells really are moving) .
I hope that makes sense.

This is like a brain teaser to me. Yes, the shells are not moving but it looks as if they are moving (crawling). How do I put it right?

In S3 there is a slight problem with the subject of "it falls" which, as it stands, is the wind rather than the slough.

I see what you mean. Actually this is one of differences between the two languages - the clarity of English vs obscurity of Chines.
What if the "slough" is repeated? Would it solve the problem of ambiguity?

There is so much for me to think.

Thank you very much, Geoff.
Lake

[David]

Hi Lake, I think Geoff's given you a typically insightful commentary on the poem. I find I agree with pretty much everything he says, but I'd also like to add that the first two lines are very beautiful.

Good to see you posting here again.

Cheers

David

[Lake]

Thank you, David. Glad you told me what you think about the translation. I never doubt Geoff's judgement. (Should I say Geoff's judgement or the judgement of Geoff? ) Here is a quick fix. Let's see if it is more clear.

Autumn Cicada

A single cicada’s cry
actually lasts as long as a whole summer

Following the sound
I find a few cicada shells
deceptively
crawling on the tree

The wind blows through the hollow shell
soundless
then with a quiver
the shell falls, still maintaining
the posture of summer

[twoleftfeet]

Hi again, Lake

That's a big improvement IMHO.

I'm still going to be pedantic and say that "deceptively crawling" doesn't sound right.
To me, "crawling deceptively" = "crawling in a deceptive manner" and that doesn't make sense (to me).

If I was paraphrasing the poem I would probably say something like
"Following the sound I find a few cicada shells. They seem to be crawling on the tree but it's an illusion created by the wind"

Could we simply say this?

Following the sound
I find a few cicada shells
crawling - it seems -
on the tree

OR maybe you could use a synonym for "deceptively"?
Here are a couple of possibilities, albeit with a slightly different tone that might not fit.

surreptitiously
1. done, acquired, etc., in secret or by improper means
2. operating by stealth
3. characterized by fraud or misrepresentation of the truth

furtively:
1. Characterized by stealth; surreptitious.
2. Expressive of hidden motives or purposes; shifty

HTH
Geoff

[Lake]

Thanks again, Geoff.

Your paraphrase is right. I struggled with it for a long time and I still am.

The way the shells lay on the tree gives an impression that as if they are crawling, but they are not.

I don't even know the two words you suggested.

It might make it clearer if I use "as if", but I am not sure if it is exactly what it is in the original.

I'll come back after Thanksgiving.

You don't celebrate Thanksgiving, do you? Or is there anything similar to it at this time of the year you celebrate in your country?

Regards,
Lake

[twoleftfeet]

Thanks again, Geoff.

Your paraphrase is right. I struggled with it for a long time and I still am.

The way the shells lay on the tree gives an impression that as if they are crawling, but they are not.

I don't even know the two words you suggested.

It might make it clearer if I use "as if", but I am not sure if it is exactly what it is in the original.

I'll come back after Thanksgiving.

You don't celebrate Thanksgiving, do you? Or is there anything similar to it at this time of the year you celebrate in your country?

Regards,
Lake

Have a Happy Thanksgiving, Lake!
Speak with you afterwards.