An Email from the Dead

[Lake]

An Email from the Dead

3:45 a.m. Strong wind and pouring rain.
By a sudden impulse, unconsciously
I move my mouse to point to the outlook;
the cat’s green eyes keep blinking.
Suddenly, an email pops up. It begins:
Hello, Comrade Qs!

Well, let me first explain: in Chinese Pinyin
“Q “is the first letter of my last name Qin,
“s” the first letter of my given name Sang.
When we were at the military school,
We’d like to label our personal belongings
with our initials. Of course, if “Q” reminds
you of “ Ah Q”, and you take “s” as a plural form
of an English word, that’s fine.
After all, we are all the descendants of Ah Q.

Let’s continue to read:
Hello, Comrade Qs!
It’s been 16 years since we were separated
by nether and this world, and hadn’t heard
from each other. Yesterday, an old school mate,
on a tour to investigate projects in Vietnam,
made a special trip to see me in Mali Hill
cemetery of revolutionary martyrs. He brought me
a TravelMate 350 computer, an internet access card
and a few sighs. Now, I can try to contact you.
Please reply when you receive it. – Lin ∆
Ah! This is an email from a dead man, from Mali Hill
cemetery of revolutionary martyrs.

...

* cat's eyes - modem lights ( in Chinese pronunciation, cat is pronunced as 'mao', that's how people call 'modem' as 'cat'. And it especially works well - I think, at least - with 'mouse').
* Ah Q - a protagonist in a novel titled "The True Story of Ah Q" written by Lu Xun (one of the major Chinese writers of the 20th century). Ah Q is famous for 'spiritual victories' and 'self-deception'. His extreme faults as symptomatic of the Chinese national character of his time. The novel is both poignant and satirical.

[twoleftfeet]

Hi Lake,

I'm feeling even thicker than normal today so you'll have to explain this line to me -
After all, we are all the descendants of A Q.
- is it some kind of "Adam/Eve" figure?

Also there is a small problem with the ending -
Ah! This is an email from a dead, from Mali Hill
cemetery of revolutionary martyrs.
- you need either "the dead" or "a dead" + noun e.g "a dead man"

Keep posting
Geoff

[Lake]

Hi Geoff,

Thank you for reading this. I'm not sure if it's worth translating so I just posted a first draft to test the water...
It doesn't read like a poem, does it? But I find it intresting and challenging to translate some terms: eg. I didn't know what cat eyes mean at first, and if I should include the character Ah Q in the translation...

I'm feeling even thicker than normal today so you'll have to explain this line to me -
After all, we are all the descendants of A Q.
- is it some kind of "Adam/Eve" figure?

I know this is going to be a problem! At first I didn't even want to include Ah Q to avoid confusion. The explanation might be long, but I just added a note at the bottom. If you want to know more about him, here is the link:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_True_Story_of_Ah_Q

I really admire your imagination for your "Adam/Eve" allusion.

As you suggested, I added "man" after "a dead".

You expressed your interest more in language than in poetry reviews, so keep picking on my works.


Best,

Lake

[Lake]

16 years ago, I was only a platoon sergeant
at the frontline of Old Mountain. Among the officers
and soldiers who sacrificed their lives, there were thirteen
whose surnames were Lin, but none had the name as Lin ∆.
Lin ∆? Lin, ∆…? … Oh, I see, isn’t the guy Lin A? Our platoon leader!
On that mid-autumn night, in the Height 713 battle. Returning
from victory, his lower part of body was blown off by a land mine.
The lower part of A was gone, now he has to be called Lin ∆.

Lin A, oh no, Lin ∆, my partner, my platoon leader, my good brother,
how have you been doing these 16 years? On the hillside where
we buried you, where pine groves grew, the earth was damp,
leeches and poisonous mosquitoes swarmed in the grass.
The mid-autumn night of 16 years ago.
The sky was high, the moon was so small, like a steel ball
from a shot, that the shadows of mountains all around us
appeared extremely hideous.

[Lake]

We sat in a big tent, watching programs abut the mid-autumn festival
broadcast by Central TV (laughter from boys and girls).
When the programs were over, we turned off the TV and smoked silently.
(Come on, have a smoke, it’s very expensive, it’s “Double Nine”!)
Personal belongs were packed up, home addresses were written and
handed to the clerk. (Quietly, the mess officer had prepared the plastic bags
for collecting our remains). Members of shock brigade sat, smoking
(Hell, the brave words in the film), each mind was heavy laden,
Occasionally, they checked their times.
2:00 a.m. Sergeant Lin A ordered : “ Line up!” We stood in a line,
Our political instructor and commander gave each of us a wine cup
(this started our farewell ceremony that someone was doomed to die):
“Good drink!” the instructor said: “It’s Luzhou Liquor, my wife asked someone to bring it to me.”
The commander said: “Toast!
You, all of you must come back alive for me!”

[twoleftfeet]

16 years ago, I was only a platoon sergeant
at the frontline of Old Mountain. Among the officers
and soldiers who sacrificed their lives, there were thirteen
whose surnames were Lin, but none had the name as Lin ∆.
Lin ∆? Lin, ∆…? … Oh, I see, isn’t the guy Lin A? Our platoon leader!
On that mid-autumn night, in the Height 713 battle. Returning
from victory, his lower part of body was blown off by land mine.
The lower part of A was gone, now he has to be called Lin ∆.

Lin A, oh no, Lin ∆, my partner, my platoon leader, my good brother,
how have you been doing these 16 years? On the hillside where
we buried you, where pine groves grew, the earth was damp,
leeches and poisonous mosquitoes swarmed in the grass.
The mid-autumn night of 16 years ago.
The sky was high, the moon was so small, like a steel ball
from a shot that the shadows of mountains all around us
appeared extremely hideous.

Lake you are right - this seems more prose than poetry to me.
Here are a couple of suggestions:

the lower part of his body was blown off by a land mine.

from a shot, that the shadows of the mountains all around us

the Height 713 battle
- I'm not sure about this. Maybe "Hill 713" as in "Hamburger Hill", "Pork Chop Hill" (famous war films)
"Ridge 713", "Peak 713"?

Regards
Geoff

[twoleftfeet]

We sat in a big tent, watching programs of mid-autumn festival
broadcasted by the Central TV (laughter from play boys and girls).
When the programs were over, we turned off TV and had a smoke
silently. (Come on, have a smoke, it’s very expensive, it’s “Double Nine”!)
Personal belongs were packed up, home addresses were written and
handed to the clerk. (Quietly, the mess officer had prepared the plastic bags
for collecting our remains). Members of shock brigade sat, smoking
(Hell, the brave words in the film), each mind was heavy laden,
Occasionally, they checked their times.
2:00 a.m. Sergeant Lin A ordered : “ Line up!” We stood in a line,
Our political instructor and commander gave each of us a wine cup
(this started our farewell ceremony that someone was doomed to die):
“Good drink!” the instructor said: “It’s Luzhou Liquor, my wife asked someone to bring it to me.”
The commander said: “Toast!
You, all of you must come back alive for me!”

Hi again, Lake

My suggestions are :

We sat in a big tent, watching programs about the mid-autumn festival
broadcast by Central TV (laughter from play boys and girls).
When the programs were over, we turned off the TV and had a silent smoke
( or smoked silently).

You CAN say "broadcasted" but, I don't know why, "broadcast" is (I think) more widely used - probably because the
stress is on "broad" so the extra syllable "ed" on the end sounds odd somehow (I'm probably talking rubbish!)

I don't understand "play boys and girls"
a "playboy" is a rich guy who lives the high-life like , say, Hugh Heffner.
"Laughter from boys and girls at play" perhaps?

Geoff

[Lake]

.
Here are a couple of suggestions:

the lower part of his body was blown off by a land mine.

from a shot, that the shadows of the mountains all around us

Geoff,

All valuable suggestions are accepted.

the Height 713 battle
- I'm not sure about this. Maybe "Hill 713" as in "Hamburger Hill", "Pork Chop Hill" (famous war films)
"Ridge 713", "Peak 713"?

I'm not familiar with military terms so my translation must sound strange.

Thank you,

Lake

[Lake]

My suggestions are :

We sat in a big tent, watching programs about the mid-autumn festival
broadcast by Central TV (laughter from play boys and girls).
When the programs were over, we turned off the TV and had a silent smoke
( or smoked silently).

Again, Geoff, all suggestions are well taken.

You CAN say "broadcasted" but, I don't know why, "broadcast" is (I think) more widely used - probably because the
stress is on "broad" so the extra syllable "ed" on the end sounds odd somehow (I'm probably talking rubbish!)

I used "broadcast" first, then probably because someone corrected me from "he hasn't shaved for days" to "shaven", I added the "ed" at the end. It does sound odd.

I don't understand "play boys and girls"
a "playboy" is a rich guy who lives the high-life like , say, Hugh Heffner.
"Laughter from boys and girls at play" perhaps?

It is a Chinese idiom/slang, very hard for me to translate. The boys are refered to young men who are handsome but effeminate; pretty-boys. Something like that. The literal translation is "laughter from cosmetics and cream". Then what doe it mean? Before I could find another appropriate expression, I'll just use boys and girl right now.

Geoff, thanks for your time and input on this translation. I think I'll just stop it here unfinished. It is a good exercise anyway, but I'm afraid the translation is not to the standard of the original.

With appreciation.

Lake

[twoleftfeet]

Lake,

"Pretty boys" sounds good to me but "pretty-boys and girls" would not work - perhaps "girls and pretty-boys"?

Just to let you know:

..then probably because someone corrected me from "he hasn't shaved for days" to "shaven"......

"He hasn't shaved for days" is fine in British English. I think both forms are OK , tbh, but I would always say "shaved"
However I would use "shaven" when it's in a combination
e.g "close-shaven" and "shaven-headed"

Geoff

[Lake]

Thanks Geoff.

Good to know pretty-boys works.

"He hasn't shaved for days" is fine in British English. I think both forms are OK , tbh, but I would always say "shaved"
However I would use "shaven" when it's in a combination
e.g "close-shaven" and "shaven-headed"

What a nuance! I guess one has to be born and grown up in that language environment in order to tell the fine difference.

Which one is more appropriate to show one's appearance or both will work or if there's a difference?

I feel I'm taking an on-line English class.

Many thanks.

Lake