Clean Version III
There are no track marks on my arm, and what
few drugs I do take leave no trace. I’m clean.
I shave and shower and I brush my teeth.
At work, you would not guess my daily pill:
it’s psychotropic. Am I in my right
mind? you may ask – Am I among the sane?
I’m fresh, I scrub behind my ears. I don’t
depart from prose; that’s finished. I am clean.
Clean Version II
There are no track marks on my arm, and what
few drugs I do take leave no trace. I’m clean.
I shave and shower and I brush my teeth.
Going to work, you would not guess my pill:
it’s psychotropic. Am I in my right
mind? you may ask – Am I among the sane?
I’m fresh. I scrub behind my ears when I
am washing, I do not depart from prose.
I’m limpid as a river. I am clean.
Clean Version I
There are no track marks on my arm, and what
drugs I do take leave no trace. I am clean
as few can be. I shave and shower, I
brush my teeth daily. As I go to work,
you would not guess my daily pill, but it
is psychotropic. Am I in my right
mind? you may ask – Am I among the sane?
I am completely fresh. I scrub behind
my ears when I am washing, I do not
depart from prose. That’s ended. I am clean.
Clean
Hi Tony,
I'm glad this works for you!
Well, my departures from prose meant psychosis, which is less fun than it might sound. Glad to have that behind me. It's funny, the poem is in my usual sonorous IP, and if you meant I should consider writing less of that, you are in good company - David has wondered the same thing in the comments before now.
CHeers,
John
I'm glad this works for you!
Well, my departures from prose meant psychosis, which is less fun than it might sound. Glad to have that behind me. It's funny, the poem is in my usual sonorous IP, and if you meant I should consider writing less of that, you are in good company - David has wondered the same thing in the comments before now.
CHeers,
John
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CalebPerry
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- Posts: 3060
- Joined: Wed Jul 11, 2018 11:26 am
I find the poem a little repetitive. I was tempted to do a rewrite, cutting out this and that, but rewrites are so obnoxious. Despite the fact that it is already short, it could be more concise and a little less explanatory. That would make it a starker poem, which I think would work.
I'll give you examples:
"There are no track marks on my arm, and what drugs I do take leave no trace" could become "There are no tracks on my arm; what drugs I take leave no trace."
"I am clean as few can be" could become "I am clean."
"I scrub behind my ears when I am washing" could become "I scrub behind my ears."
Towards the end, the poem starts to feel repetitive when you reiterate how clean you are. I suspect this poem will have more meaning for former addicts.
I'll give you examples:
"There are no track marks on my arm, and what drugs I do take leave no trace" could become "There are no tracks on my arm; what drugs I take leave no trace."
"I am clean as few can be" could become "I am clean."
"I scrub behind my ears when I am washing" could become "I scrub behind my ears."
Towards the end, the poem starts to feel repetitive when you reiterate how clean you are. I suspect this poem will have more meaning for former addicts.
jisbell00 wrote: ↑Sat Nov 18, 2023 1:27 amClean
There are no track marks on my arm, and what
drugs I do take leave no trace. I am clean
as few can be. I shave and shower, I
brush my teeth daily. As I go to work,
you would not guess my daily pill, but it
is psychotropic. Am I in my right
mind? you may ask – Am I among the sane?
I am completely fresh. I scrub behind
my ears when I am washing, I do not
depart from prose. That’s ended. I am clean.
Signature info:
If you don't like the black theme, it is easy to switch to a lighter color. Just ask me how.
If I don't critique your poem, it is probably because I don't understand it.
If you don't like the black theme, it is easy to switch to a lighter color. Just ask me how.
If I don't critique your poem, it is probably because I don't understand it.
-
CalebPerry
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 3060
- Joined: Wed Jul 11, 2018 11:26 am
I think that's an improvement, but you could go even further. Here are suggested additional cuts (without taking the meter into consideration):
There are no track marks on my arm; and what
few drugs I do take leave no trace. I’m clean.
I shave and shower; and I brush my teeth.
Going to At work, you would not guess my pill:
it’s psychotropic. Am I in my right
mind? you may ask – Am I among the sane?
I’m fresh. I scrub behind my ears when I
am washing; I do not depart from prose.
I am a limpid river. I am clean.
I can't tell you exactly why I think this poem needs to be concise, perhaps because it is a kind of no-nonsense manifesto. Such poems should be very direct.
Now, a word about meter: You are a perfectionist in that area, but I have found that slight deviations don't matter to the reader, who nonetheless hear the EFFECTS of meter even if the meter isn't perfect. And thus, increasingly, my meter is loosy-goosy -- my most recent poem about my face is an example. The lines vary from 9 syllables to 13, but I am sure most readers will still hear some of the effects of meter. Not being perfect in my meter allows me to leave out the unnecessary business words that can make poetry feel unclean, and it also allows me to insert a sudden brief line for impact.
There are no track marks on my arm; and what
few drugs I do take leave no trace. I’m clean.
I shave and shower; and I brush my teeth.
Going to At work, you would not guess my pill:
it’s psychotropic. Am I in my right
mind? you may ask – Am I among the sane?
I’m fresh. I scrub behind my ears when I
am washing; I do not depart from prose.
I am a limpid river. I am clean.
I can't tell you exactly why I think this poem needs to be concise, perhaps because it is a kind of no-nonsense manifesto. Such poems should be very direct.
Now, a word about meter: You are a perfectionist in that area, but I have found that slight deviations don't matter to the reader, who nonetheless hear the EFFECTS of meter even if the meter isn't perfect. And thus, increasingly, my meter is loosy-goosy -- my most recent poem about my face is an example. The lines vary from 9 syllables to 13, but I am sure most readers will still hear some of the effects of meter. Not being perfect in my meter allows me to leave out the unnecessary business words that can make poetry feel unclean, and it also allows me to insert a sudden brief line for impact.
Signature info:
If you don't like the black theme, it is easy to switch to a lighter color. Just ask me how.
If I don't critique your poem, it is probably because I don't understand it.
If you don't like the black theme, it is easy to switch to a lighter color. Just ask me how.
If I don't critique your poem, it is probably because I don't understand it.
Thanks, Caleb. I've cut along your lines - as you say, a no-nonsense manifesto, which I think this is, needs to be direct, crisp, succinct, to make its point.
As for meter, it remains true that if you look at Nobel winners like Heaney or Walcott, they do vary it for effect with some freedom or abandon. I think I could vary more, and that you by the same token could vary less. In the end, my focus is on my poetry, and I do allow short or long lines at time for effect, I like that. But my IP tends toward sonority, which is not necessarily a good thing. Again, you are in good company, since David has made the exact same point about my IP.
Here's my favorite Heaney poem, with its irregular meter: https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/ ... term-break
Cheers,
John
As for meter, it remains true that if you look at Nobel winners like Heaney or Walcott, they do vary it for effect with some freedom or abandon. I think I could vary more, and that you by the same token could vary less. In the end, my focus is on my poetry, and I do allow short or long lines at time for effect, I like that. But my IP tends toward sonority, which is not necessarily a good thing. Again, you are in good company, since David has made the exact same point about my IP.
Here's my favorite Heaney poem, with its irregular meter: https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/ ... term-break
Cheers,
John
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CalebPerry
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 3060
- Joined: Wed Jul 11, 2018 11:26 am
Oh, I wasn't criticizing you, John. I was just encouraging you to perhaps feel more freedom within your lines. My friend Rhina Espaillat wrote 99% of her poems in perfect meter, as did Frost and many other great writers, while Auden and Alicia Stallings took/take more liberties.
I'm going down for a nap. I took a drug yesterday that caused insomnia, and I haven't slept yet.
I'm going down for a nap. I took a drug yesterday that caused insomnia, and I haven't slept yet.
Signature info:
If you don't like the black theme, it is easy to switch to a lighter color. Just ask me how.
If I don't critique your poem, it is probably because I don't understand it.
If you don't like the black theme, it is easy to switch to a lighter color. Just ask me how.
If I don't critique your poem, it is probably because I don't understand it.
-
CalebPerry
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 3060
- Joined: Wed Jul 11, 2018 11:26 am
Well, I usually go to bed at 5:00 a.m. and sleep until noon, being a confirmed night person. But this morning I was wide awake at 5:00 a.m., and stayed up for four or five hours. That drug, a beta blocker, is supposed to suppress my atrial fibrillations; but I can't take it if it keeps me awake.
I'm sorry that you didn't like my suggested line "I am a limpid river". Even so, the latest version is better.
I'm sorry that you didn't like my suggested line "I am a limpid river". Even so, the latest version is better.
Signature info:
If you don't like the black theme, it is easy to switch to a lighter color. Just ask me how.
If I don't critique your poem, it is probably because I don't understand it.
If you don't like the black theme, it is easy to switch to a lighter color. Just ask me how.
If I don't critique your poem, it is probably because I don't understand it.