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Where Light’s Not Compromised
Posted: Sun Nov 05, 2023 5:13 am
by jisbell00
Where Light’s Not Compromised
Upon the world sits Heaven. This is where
the birds are headed, but it can’t be reached.
Our lives are muddy things, but things are clean
up there where light’s not compromised. The raw
deal we get here is ended there. I hope
for wings to lift me there when I exhale
for the last time – when my heart stills. My feet
will cease to run, my hands to hold, my eyes
to linger on what’s earthly. As I speak,
the birds are singing and in Heaven, dawn
thrones everlasting. Let your feet and hands
cease their activity, for dawn’s rolled in.
Re: Where Light’s Not Compromised
Posted: Sun Nov 05, 2023 1:32 pm
by CalebPerry
jisbell00 wrote: ↑Sun Nov 05, 2023 5:13 am
Where Light’s Not Compromised
Upon the world sits Heaven. This is where
the birds are headed, but it can’t be reached.
Our lives are muddy things, but things are clean
up there where light’s not compromised. The raw
deal we get here is ended there. I hope
for wings to bring me there when I breathe out
for the last time – when my heart stills. My feet
will cease to run, my hands to hold, my eyes
to linger on what’s earthly. As I speak,
the birds are singing and in Heaven, dawn
thrones everlasting. Let your feet and hands
cease their activity, for dawn’s rolled in.
I like this, John. There are areas where your word selections feel more cerebral than emotional. A few more dramatic words might perk the poem up. A couple examples of what I mean:
up there where the light is bold. The raw deal ...
for wings to lift me up when I exhale
for the last time ...
Re: Where Light’s Not Compromised
Posted: Sun Nov 05, 2023 3:52 pm
by jisbell00
Hi Caleb,
I particularly like your second option. Let me give it some thought!
Cheers,
John
Re: Where Light’s Not Compromised
Posted: Sun Nov 05, 2023 6:56 pm
by jisbell00
Hi Caleb,
I've taken lift and exhale with thanks!
Cheers,
John
Re: Where Light’s Not Compromised
Posted: Mon Nov 06, 2023 9:13 am
by CalebPerry
Glad to have helped! For many years I've believed that the most effective English poetry is written with mostly Germanic words, using Latinate words sparingly.
Re: Where Light’s Not Compromised
Posted: Mon Nov 06, 2023 8:02 pm
by Mharr2000
Another beautiful poem john you have a vey good way with words a pleasure to read.
Re: Where Light’s Not Compromised
Posted: Mon Nov 06, 2023 11:53 pm
by jisbell00
Thank you, Mike! Thank you, Caleb! I appreciate the good words.
Cheers,
John