The Absolute Decline of All Things
Time passes. You advance from A to B
and never lift a finger. From the glass,
a stranger gazes back at you. The sun
yields to the stars, the stars yield to the sun.
The crops push through the black soil. Seconds pass.
It seems complex but isn’t – you can be
fourteen or forty, you stand on the line
between the dawn and evening. You recall
your salad days. You have your hopes and fears.
You tumble like a dancer through the years,
while others drop. You rise above it all
a moment, but the absolute decline
of all things will not cut a deal with you:
the very words you speak are lost for good.
The newest fruit will rot. Your memories
that linger, slowly fade into the breeze
the future blows across them. If I could,
I’d tell you lies. But all of this is true.
The Absolute Decline of All Things
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CalebPerry
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 3074
- Joined: Wed Jul 11, 2018 11:26 am
There's a lot to say about this poem. You have summed up the depressing truth about life pretty well, but in such a blunt and explicit manner that the poem doesn't evoke a great deal of feeling. Rhyming it -- which you have done very well -- makes it more poetic, which is good.
Although I think your normal poetry is more lyrical than mine, and mine is a tad more explicit than yours (perhaps the right word is "mundane"), I find myself thinking about the similarities. We both endeavor to write clearly, and we are both looking for ways to address the "big" issues. But that's the hardest thing to do in a poem. In this poem you are taking a GIANT bite out of the biggest issue of all -- the meaning and purpose of physical life. But the lack of poignancy puts this poem squarely in the category of "poetry for Vulcans", which I think I have mentioned before (poetry which doesn't evoke a strong mood or feeling, the kind of feeling most appreciated by Vulcans since they don't have any emotions).
A few years ago, I might be talking about this poem from the perspective of "telling vs. showing", but people always used that concept to beat up on my own poems, so I am loath to bring it up. Nonetheless, that concept does apply here to a certain extent.
Even if it doesn't evoke a lot of feeling, there are still a lot of interesting ideas in this poem. Of course, you may disagree. Perhaps you weep every time you read it to yourself. Feel free to disagree with me (as I know you always do).
My judgement is that this is a good poem, but not a great poem, except on Vulcan.
Hmmm. I just read it again. I think it's growing on me.
Although I think your normal poetry is more lyrical than mine, and mine is a tad more explicit than yours (perhaps the right word is "mundane"), I find myself thinking about the similarities. We both endeavor to write clearly, and we are both looking for ways to address the "big" issues. But that's the hardest thing to do in a poem. In this poem you are taking a GIANT bite out of the biggest issue of all -- the meaning and purpose of physical life. But the lack of poignancy puts this poem squarely in the category of "poetry for Vulcans", which I think I have mentioned before (poetry which doesn't evoke a strong mood or feeling, the kind of feeling most appreciated by Vulcans since they don't have any emotions).
A few years ago, I might be talking about this poem from the perspective of "telling vs. showing", but people always used that concept to beat up on my own poems, so I am loath to bring it up. Nonetheless, that concept does apply here to a certain extent.
Even if it doesn't evoke a lot of feeling, there are still a lot of interesting ideas in this poem. Of course, you may disagree. Perhaps you weep every time you read it to yourself. Feel free to disagree with me (as I know you always do).
My judgement is that this is a good poem, but not a great poem, except on Vulcan.
Hmmm. I just read it again. I think it's growing on me.
Signature info:
If you don't like the black theme, it is easy to switch to a lighter color. Just ask me how.
If I don't critique your poem, it is probably because I don't understand it.
If you don't like the black theme, it is easy to switch to a lighter color. Just ask me how.
If I don't critique your poem, it is probably because I don't understand it.
Hi Caleb,
I like your concept of Vulcan poems. I thnk it's good to inject the personal into a narrative, and here i do very little of that. It makes it harder for people to engage with it emotionally, which matters a great deal to most of us (though I don't think that's the end of poetry by definition). OTOH, I'm not sure I want to inject the personal here: the poem is to a certain extent of a piece. I'll hacve to have a think.
If you want something more personal, you might look at my poem Ghosts, a little downthread of this one.
Cheers,
John
I like your concept of Vulcan poems. I thnk it's good to inject the personal into a narrative, and here i do very little of that. It makes it harder for people to engage with it emotionally, which matters a great deal to most of us (though I don't think that's the end of poetry by definition). OTOH, I'm not sure I want to inject the personal here: the poem is to a certain extent of a piece. I'll hacve to have a think.
If you want something more personal, you might look at my poem Ghosts, a little downthread of this one.
Cheers,
John
I enjoyed both the poem and Caleb's review in equal measure here.
The idea of you weeping John as you read your own poetry is very funny indeed and makes me like this poem more, not because I want you to weep though, I could also imagine you laughing when you're reading some of your other poems.
This poem reminds me a bit of some of your Allegro poems. I think the rhyming of B with be is a stroke of genius. It could be Hamlet. The fluidity of your writing, even when bounded by rhyme, is something to behold and I feel like I can rattle off superlatives without the pressure of conforming to give negative criticism.
The idea of you weeping John as you read your own poetry is very funny indeed and makes me like this poem more, not because I want you to weep though, I could also imagine you laughing when you're reading some of your other poems.
This poem reminds me a bit of some of your Allegro poems. I think the rhyming of B with be is a stroke of genius. It could be Hamlet. The fluidity of your writing, even when bounded by rhyme, is something to behold and I feel like I can rattle off superlatives without the pressure of conforming to give negative criticism.
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CalebPerry
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 3074
- Joined: Wed Jul 11, 2018 11:26 am
Mike, I wrote one poem that was, in a sense, my swan song. It is long, and I usually start to weep before I get to the end. Such things happen.
John, the poem that I wrote that caused me to contrive the category "poems for Vulcans" was "Sensible Selfishness". Search the forum for it and it will pop up. It's a poem full of truth, but written in a way that won't bring a tear to the most emotional person.
I'll look up your poem "Ghosts".
John, the poem that I wrote that caused me to contrive the category "poems for Vulcans" was "Sensible Selfishness". Search the forum for it and it will pop up. It's a poem full of truth, but written in a way that won't bring a tear to the most emotional person.
I'll look up your poem "Ghosts".
Signature info:
If you don't like the black theme, it is easy to switch to a lighter color. Just ask me how.
If I don't critique your poem, it is probably because I don't understand it.
If you don't like the black theme, it is easy to switch to a lighter color. Just ask me how.
If I don't critique your poem, it is probably because I don't understand it.
Morph, i find myself in complete agreement with you, in particular on the image of me weeping as I compose, which really deserves a poem in itself. This is a fun thread and Caleb and you have both got me thinking. It's true, this is a bit of a poem for Vulcans, but I'm not sure that is universally a bad thing. I for example quite liek it!
I shall have to ponder.
Cheers,
John
I shall have to ponder.
Cheers,
John