Felicity
To pluck the cherry from the tree –
to wake in joy and never stop –
to plow the field, to plant the crop,
to harvest is felicity.
I still can see my chain of days
bind each hour to the next in turn.
We amble on – we live and learn –
we see fruition in the haze.
And then when every fruit is round –
when harvest comes, and days grow brief –
we say farewell to hurt and grief
and plant our feet beneath the ground.
Felicity
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CalebPerry
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John, I have two reactions to this poem. The first is that it has an iconic quality (which is obviously what you are going for); the second is that the language and a couple of the rhymes feel a little forced to me. If you want me to, I'll go over the lines individually, giving you my reactions.
I've never read a poem before which takes us through our lives and buries us in so few words.
I've never read a poem before which takes us through our lives and buries us in so few words.
Signature info:
If you don't like the black theme, it is easy to switch to a lighter color. Just ask me how.
If I don't critique your poem, it is probably because I don't understand it.
If you don't like the black theme, it is easy to switch to a lighter color. Just ask me how.
If I don't critique your poem, it is probably because I don't understand it.
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ray miller
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Lovely poem, John. Maybe "we see fruition through the haze".
And probably more to my taste than anyone else's -
we say farewell to hurt and grief
and plant our feet beneath the ground.
And probably more to my taste than anyone else's -
we say farewell to hurt and grief
and plant our feet beneath the ground.
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.
I contemplate such bitter stuff.
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CalebPerry
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Ray has made some good suggestions.
Signature info:
If you don't like the black theme, it is easy to switch to a lighter color. Just ask me how.
If I don't critique your poem, it is probably because I don't understand it.
If you don't like the black theme, it is easy to switch to a lighter color. Just ask me how.
If I don't critique your poem, it is probably because I don't understand it.
Hi Caleb, hi Ray,
Caleb, I'm glad you find an iconic quality to this! It is indeed a short journey. By all means, share which bits you felt somewhat forced, I'll see what i can do. I also agree with you about Ray's suggestions.
Ray, I'm glad you like the poem, and thank you for your suggestions! I have taken both of them for now, through the haze is more natural (which is nice), and plant our feet gives flow to the close - removing that full stop - and returns to the growing metaphor that runs throughout.
Hmm. I've just gone back to in. See fruition through seems a bit of a mouthful, and flow is everything here, as in the lovely close you proposed, Ray.
Cheers both,
John
Caleb, I'm glad you find an iconic quality to this! It is indeed a short journey. By all means, share which bits you felt somewhat forced, I'll see what i can do. I also agree with you about Ray's suggestions.
Ray, I'm glad you like the poem, and thank you for your suggestions! I have taken both of them for now, through the haze is more natural (which is nice), and plant our feet gives flow to the close - removing that full stop - and returns to the growing metaphor that runs throughout.
Hmm. I've just gone back to in. See fruition through seems a bit of a mouthful, and flow is everything here, as in the lovely close you proposed, Ray.
Cheers both,
John
Greetings, John!
I think we remember this one from Rhyme-Time too. We like the title, of course. The imagery is strong throughout, and we hear echoes of 'plough the field and scatter' at S1 L3 (^o^) (singing)
We wonder whether S2 could open more naturally, whether deleting 'can yet' might open the line to an opportunity for more description along the lines of the harvesting imagery. A little tweak might benefit 'we live and learn' too; what comes to mind immediately is 'we try to learn', but that might not carry the sense you require. We may return (*v*)
Cheerie,
F & (^v^)
I think we remember this one from Rhyme-Time too. We like the title, of course. The imagery is strong throughout, and we hear echoes of 'plough the field and scatter' at S1 L3 (^o^) (singing)
We wonder whether S2 could open more naturally, whether deleting 'can yet' might open the line to an opportunity for more description along the lines of the harvesting imagery. A little tweak might benefit 'we live and learn' too; what comes to mind immediately is 'we try to learn', but that might not carry the sense you require. We may return (*v*)
Cheerie,
F & (^v^)
Greetings, Fliss and Coo!
Yes, this did also appear on Rhyme Time recently. i am glad you remember it - I'd not thought about the title until after I chose it, but yes, it's good to hear you like it!
Echoes there are. You make some interesting suggestions, but we are once again in an airport this faternoon, so I think my edits will have to wait. It's quite noisy here!
Cheerie,
John
Yes, this did also appear on Rhyme Time recently. i am glad you remember it - I'd not thought about the title until after I chose it, but yes, it's good to hear you like it!
Echoes there are. You make some interesting suggestions, but we are once again in an airport this faternoon, so I think my edits will have to wait. It's quite noisy here!
Cheerie,
John