Things I Don’t Remember
What I remember best is not the wind
that tangled with my hair and set the trees
to dancing – nor the sun of morning that
shed daylight on us from the East – nor yet
the clouds that marched across the heavens, or
the bent grass at our feet. What I remember
is what you said to me: I do not love you.
There was a time before those words, and after
they came, there was another time. I had
no means of stopping them, they came across
the skyline of our talk as if a train
were freighting them to me. I have not seen
your face in over twenty years, and yet
I see it still. Time passes. You do not
change in my memory – your laughing face.
Things I Don’t Remember
Greetings John,
This is sad. To begin, here are just two suggestions, to take/toss as usual:
S1, L1: best --> most
S1, L3: that --> which or delete the comma if the notion of one sun among many is acceptable to you
We thought our list might be longer, but it isn't. We enjoyed reading the poem for its narrative, structure, imagery, mood, and wonder whether it's from a particular MS on this occasion (*v*)
Cheerie,
F & (^v^)
This is sad. To begin, here are just two suggestions, to take/toss as usual:
S1, L1: best --> most
S1, L3: that --> which or delete the comma if the notion of one sun among many is acceptable to you
We thought our list might be longer, but it isn't. We enjoyed reading the poem for its narrative, structure, imagery, mood, and wonder whether it's from a particular MS on this occasion (*v*)
Cheerie,
F & (^v^)
Greetings, FLiss and Coo!
It is a sad poem, isn't it?
I'm trying your usggestion of no comma, though I'm concerned it makes the line ending a bit more abrupt - what do you think?
For best, I think of "I remember well," a phrase I am fond of and happy to echo.
I am glad to hear the poem speaks to you! It is from a MS., To Our Alien Overlords, from which I continue to post. We are at about page 40/80 at this point ...
Cheerie,
John
It is a sad poem, isn't it?
I'm trying your usggestion of no comma, though I'm concerned it makes the line ending a bit more abrupt - what do you think?
For best, I think of "I remember well," a phrase I am fond of and happy to echo.
I am glad to hear the poem speaks to you! It is from a MS., To Our Alien Overlords, from which I continue to post. We are at about page 40/80 at this point ...
Cheerie,
John
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CalebPerry
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 3072
- Joined: Wed Jul 11, 2018 11:26 am
I think this is a very good poem, with a lot of interesting, creative language. My only criticism is that I think "your laughing face" isn't the heavy-duty ending that a poem like this needs. It seems too light and trivial. I guess you know that I like to hammer my poems down with endings heavy with irony or emotion, and I understand that not everyone likes that, but in this case I think it's needed.
Signature info:
If you don't like the black theme, it is easy to switch to a lighter color. Just ask me how.
If I don't critique your poem, it is probably because I don't understand it.
If you don't like the black theme, it is easy to switch to a lighter color. Just ask me how.
If I don't critique your poem, it is probably because I don't understand it.
Greetings, John!jisbell00 wrote: ↑Thu Aug 17, 2023 1:31 pmGreetings, FLiss and Coo!
It is a sad poem, isn't it?
I'm trying your usggestion of no comma, though I'm concerned it makes the line ending a bit more abrupt - what do you think?
For best, I think of "I remember well," a phrase I am fond of and happy to echo.
I am glad to hear the poem speaks to you! It is from a MS., To Our Alien Overlords, from which I continue to post. We are at about page 40/80 at this point ...
Cheerie,
John
Sad indeedy; it made us feel very pensive on first reading, and again just now (*v*)
I don't find the line more abrupt, but please be guided by your own inklings in this and all things. We like the word 'inklings' at Coo & Co. The same applies to 'best'. And thank-coos for letting us know where we are with the MS (^v^)
Cheerie,
F & (^v^)
Greetings, Caleb and Fliss and Coo!
Caleb: I am glad you enjoyed this one! The laughing face at the end does seem almost a throwaway line, doesn’t it? But it’s there to contrast the beloved’s carefree happiness with the N’s suffering, and so I think ending with an almost throwaway detail is the way to toss off the poem as the N was tossed off, with a sort of coup de grace.
Fliss and Coo: ah, pensive! Then the poem has worked its spell …!
I’ve grown used to the line without the comma – thank you! And I’m glad you see my reasons for best. Inklings is a splendid word and was the name of Tolkien and CS Lewis’s little group that met at the Bird & Baby (Eagle & Child), a pub now sadly shuttered since the pandemic. Though I did once get food poisoning there. Yup, the MS> continues apace!
Cheerie,
John
Caleb: I am glad you enjoyed this one! The laughing face at the end does seem almost a throwaway line, doesn’t it? But it’s there to contrast the beloved’s carefree happiness with the N’s suffering, and so I think ending with an almost throwaway detail is the way to toss off the poem as the N was tossed off, with a sort of coup de grace.
Fliss and Coo: ah, pensive! Then the poem has worked its spell …!
I’ve grown used to the line without the comma – thank you! And I’m glad you see my reasons for best. Inklings is a splendid word and was the name of Tolkien and CS Lewis’s little group that met at the Bird & Baby (Eagle & Child), a pub now sadly shuttered since the pandemic. Though I did once get food poisoning there. Yup, the MS> continues apace!
Cheerie,
John
It has certainly worked its spell, John. You're welcome for the little punctuation suggestion. The Inklings group is ringing a bell; I might've come across it in a project for Sutton Publishing, quite a long time ago now. We like the name(s) of the pub, while regretting your food poisoning, oops (^o^)
Cheerie,
F & (^v^)
Cheerie,
F & (^v^)
