The Sparrow (revised)

[Jim]

revision 2

The leaves had fallen from the maple trees.
Another year had come and gone
And still I stumbled on—alone
Against a winter wind that would not cease.

But when I passed a leafless tree and heard
A sparrow chirping, I came to a halt
And listened to its song and felt
Consoled somehow by having heard that bird.


revision

The withered leaves were falling from the trees
as yet another year had come and gone,
and still I stumbled on, sad and alone,
against a bitter wind that would not cease.

But when I passed a leafless tree and heard
a sparrow chirping, I came to a halt
and listened to its cheerful song and felt
consoled somehow by hearing that lone bird.


original

The leaves were falling from the maple trees.
Another year had come and gone
And still I stumbled on—alone
Against a winter wind that would not cease.

But when I passed a leafless tree and heard
A sparrow chirping, I came to a halt
And listened to its song and felt
Consoled somehow by having heard that bird.

[Macavity]

A gentle poem Jim. I particularly liked the mystery of Consoled somehow and role of nature in that. I'm sure the 'leafless' tree would also feel 'consoled' The resilience in the human has parallels in nature.

best

Phil

[CalebPerry]

Stumbling on alone against a cold wind is a bit of a cliché, don't you think?

The second stanza is a little awkward because you are rhyming "bird" with "heard" twice. I suggest you eliminate one of the words "heard". This might work:

But when I passed a leafless tree and heard
A sparrow chirping, I came to a halt
And listened to its song and felt
Consoled somehow by its avian words.

That leaves you with an acceptable off-rhyme: heard/words. If you don't like "avian", substitute another adjective.

The leaves were falling from the maple trees.
Another year had come and gone
And still I stumbled on—alone
Against a winter wind that would not cease.

But when I passed a leafless tree and heard
A sparrow chirping, I came to a halt
And listened to its song and felt
Consoled somehow by having heard that bird.

[Jim]

Hi Phil, thank you for reading this and commenting. I always appreciate your thoughts.

Hi Caleb, thank you for reading and commenting. You are probably right about it being a cliche. As for the heard/bird rhyme, I think I prefer it to heard/words. But thank you for the suggestion!

Jim

[Leaf]

Hi Jim,

I like this a lot. I prefer minimum caps in poetry (so 'and still', 'against', etc.), but that's just a taste thing and if your preference is as shown I'm not going to force you to change it

I get a bit stuck in the seasons, as there's a strong sense of autumn at the beginning yet there's 'winter wind' in the fourth line. I suppose it needn't matter, though. I like the imagery and I'm glad to encounter the sparrow, with the chirping. If you wanted to resolve the repetition of 'heard' you could perhaps replace the second instance with something else about 'that bird', just a thought. Overall I find the poem pleasantly understated and effective.

Best wishes,
Fliss

[CalebPerry]

Well, heard/heard/bird just isn't working, so you need to work on that.

[Jim]

Hi Fliss, I appreciate your taking the time to read this. I am glad you like it.

I understand your confusion about the seasons. Here where I live the maples trees hang on to their leaves until late November or early December. So it may not be winter officially, but it sure feels like it! I will consider changing it to "a bitter wind" or something like that.

As for the initial caps, I know they are not the style now, but I like them especially in metrical poems.

Thank you for your thoughtful critique.

Jim

[ray miller]

I think the rhymes are fine, especially felt/halt. I wonder if you need "somehow" in the last line.

[Jim]

Thanks, Ray. I thought about cutting it, but then felt I needed the modifier and wanted to fill out that line.

Jim

[NotQuiteSure]

Hi Jim,
as mac says, a gentle poem, with echoes of Hardy's Darkling Thrush (a bird which he so recently drew to my attention.)
The second verse doesn't convince, the 'having heard that bird' (after line 3) seems redundant.

I wonder if you could lose a line in each verse?
As in

The leaves were falling from the maple trees.
And still I stumbled on—alone
Against a winter wind that would not cease.

But when I passed a leafless tree and heard
A sparrow chirping, I stopped and found
Myself somehow consoled by that tiny bird.


(Wondered about 'tumbling' for falling?)

Regards, Not

.

[Macavity]

I don't feel you need to tinker with this too much Jim, as Ray said felt/halt is a nice one, though may I offer...

Consoled somehow by having known that bird.

Just an ironic thought

Still liking somehow...the mystery of not comprehending, but being affected by, there are many nuances to communication.

best

Phil

[JJHenderson]

The only real negative I can say about this poem is that it feels like a rather cliched take on very classic themes and images from romanticism. I think of Keats's Ode to a Nightingale, Colerdige's Nightingale, and even a bit of Wordsworth's I Wandered Lonely as a Cloud. In terms of the craft, I like the chiastic form of ABBA that's also reinforced by the A-lines being in pentameter and B-lines being in tetrameter; though you do have an extra foot in S2L2. I think you could fix that by simply nixing "chirping," which doesn't add much given that if you're listening to a sparrow we know what sound it's making. Another detail I like how the only full rhyme in the poem is "heard/bird," while the others are all half-rhymes or, in the case of "trees/cease," not quite a full rhyme because of the different ending consonant sounds. I also think "consoled somehow" is too weak a formulation. I'd suggest finding an interesting image, even if it's something like "uplifted" or "my wings could grow" (or something much better than either of those).

[Leaf]

Hi Fliss, I appreciate your taking the time to read this. I am glad you like it.

I understand your confusion about the seasons. Here where I live the maples trees hang on to their leaves until late November or early December. So it may not be winter officially, but it sure feels like it! I will consider changing it to "a bitter wind" or something like that.

As for the initial caps, I know they are not the style now, but I like them especially in metrical poems.

Thank you for your thoughtful critique.

Jim

Hi Jim,

No probleml It's an effective poem, I think. Thanks for the info about the seasons. If you prefer initial caps, by all means keep them. I'm not really into style

Bw,
Fliss

[Jim]

Thanks Phil, Caleb, Fliss, Ray, Not and JJ. I have posted a revision above.

Jim

[Macavity]

You've been tinkering Jim!

The leaves were falling from the maple trees.

I much prefer the original because it triggered the specific picture of 'maples'. withered is delivered in falling.

best

Phil

[CalebPerry]

Well, you satisfied my main crit. I think that by making a few word changes, you could make the poem more original and interesting, such as replacing "withered leaves were falling" with something like "brittle leaves were jumping". You could also pare it down, as there is lots of extraneous language. All the lines are pentameter now, but you could easily turn this into pentameter interspersed with tetrameter, or even tetrameter/trimeter. Sadness is a spare emotion and doesn't need a lot of adjectives.

You have written this in meter, except for one line:

But when I passed a leafless tree and heard
a sparrow chirping, I came to a halt

a SPAR / row CHIRP / ing i CAME / to a HALT (four beats instead of five)

In iambic meter, it's okay to substitute one iamb with one anapest, but it's not proper to substitute three iambs with two anapests because you've turned it into a four-beat line. (Having said that, I do that all the time, but writing in perfect meter isn't one of my goals, as I think it is yours in this case.)

I second what Phil said. I think the first draft of stanza one was better.

[Jim]

Thanks Phil and Caleb. Yes, I plead guilty as charged: an inveterate tinkerer.

[MilesTRanter]

Hi Jim,

I love the songs of all kinds of birds, including sparrows. They invariably uplift me, akin to the narrator of your poem. So I like the mood-shift from melancholia to optimism.

The meter is much better in S1. I especially like the way L3 breaks the iambic beat with that comma after “on” followed by the trochee and iamb of “sad and alone.”

I also like the slant rhymes throughout. This is a pleasantly tranquil poem with nice images of late autumn. I can really picture the scene, which is subtly but vividly depicted. I can see and experience the N stumbling along and then stopping when he or she hears the sparrow.

I also like the way that, first the N feels alone, but then the bird, too, is alone as he sings. This makes me curious as to why he is singing or who he is singing to. There’s a bit of mystery there. I wonder: are there any other sparrows or other kinds of birds in the vicinity? Or is he the only one, chirping just for fun? Or is he, in fact, trilling to the N?

I enjoyed this. It’s a pleasantly quiet poem.

Best,
Martin

[JJHenderson]

Initially I was ambivalent about the move from the pentameter/tetrameter pairing to straight pentamter, mostly because I think many of the word choices used to fill out the meter seem, well, like filler; but one interesting detail the switch to pentameter brought out for me was how the "volta" (or turning point) of the whole poem is in S2L2, and how we pause at the comma, give a slight accent to "I" before reading "CAME to a HALT," which metrically mirrors the earlier "sad and alone," and really fee like we've come to a halt metrically as well. One suggestion would be to ditch withered and bring back Maple.

[Jim]

Hi, Martin and JJ. I appreciate your taking the time read this and comment. Thank you!

Jim

[NotQuiteSure]

Hi Jim,
I agree with the other about the loss of Maple .
Slightly confused by the 'as' of L2 (seems like it should be 'when', or perhaps
another year had come and now was gone, ?)

You explain that this takes place at the start of winter, and yet you've 'another year had come and gone'. Just curious.

Quite a few 'ands' in the first verse, might their number be reduced?

'leafless' and 'chirping' are the weak points for me in S2, neither feel that interesting (descriptively.)

Regards, Not

.

[Jim]

Hi Not, thank you for coming back to look at this. I think 'as' functions like a conjunction in that line: it's like 'and yet' or 'but yet'. I was thinking about the changing season and the passage of time. Now I think it's time to say goodbye to this bird and let it fly away.

Regards,
Jim

[MilesTRanter]

Hi Jim,

If you are in the mood to tweak anymore, here's a suggestion.

But when I passed a leafless tree and heard
A sparrow chirping, I came to a halt

I’m wondering, for consistency’s sake, if this might be better:

But when I passed a leafless tree and heard
A sparrow, I came to a halt

That way, all the middle lines are tetrameter. I don’t think you need “chirping,” since you already have “its song.”

Miles

[Jim]

Hi Miles,

Thank you for the suggestion. You are right, chirping isn't really necessary. Bu if I cut it, the line would have only three beats:

a SPARrow, i CAME to a HALT

The line would then seem like trimeter to me.

Jim

[Leaf]

You're right, Jim; it would be trimeter. I really like the 'chirping', but of course it's up to you whether to keep it

Bw,
Fliss