Belief
I’m walking, says the singer, with a voice
come welling up through the black soil as if
the soil were dead – as if the sky at night
were only atoms burning. All the great
beliefs have ebbed. On the guitar, a chord
nags at my brain. The singer says his feet
are so tired. He’s been singing for a good
few decades, there is nothing to be told
that’s not been told before. What kind of love,
I ask, survives this offering? The clouds
are weeping. Yet the heart goes out, I can’t
arrest that leap. This kind of love – he sings –
I’m sick of it. And that is how the sky
sits on the world, how ocean laps the shore.
The young won’t see it. But the old, do they
then need reminding of the way the night
succeeds the day? Of how things fall apart
till just the heart is left? Along the flat
horizon goes Bob Dylan. He’s been down
so many times. Now, he is up once more.
Love Sick:
Beliefs
Great John, yes the night succeeds the day! Bob's song is powerful, as you so perfectly pin it with welling up through the black soil.
Apologies, I have a couple of nudges, please ignore if of no relevance, but your poem connected with me.
Finally, you may consider, 'Belief' as the title (the singular carries the many).
Either way felt the feeling in your poem.
Phil
Apologies, I have a couple of nudges, please ignore if of no relevance, but your poem connected with me.
I think the linebreak space works, is justified, but holocaust carries so much specific baggage.What kind of love,
I ask, survives this holocaust?
The simple question is impactful.What kind of love,
I ask, survives?
The second as if delivers the implication there is no God.as if
there were no God – as if the sky at night
were only atoms burning.
Finally, you may consider, 'Belief' as the title (the singular carries the many).
Either way felt the feeling in your poem.
Phil
Hi Phil,
THank you for the read and the very useful suggestions! Yes, I'm not sure Dylan would want the word holocaust there, as you say, it carries a good deal of baggage. That gives me syllables to play with. And you are right again about the second as if implying the first, I shall see what si to be done.
Glad you enjoyed poem and song! It took me ages, and many failed attempts, to write a Dylan poem that wasn't crap. I'm too close and he's too big for me, I think. Maybe I've got one here!
Cheers,
John
THank you for the read and the very useful suggestions! Yes, I'm not sure Dylan would want the word holocaust there, as you say, it carries a good deal of baggage. That gives me syllables to play with. And you are right again about the second as if implying the first, I shall see what si to be done.
Glad you enjoyed poem and song! It took me ages, and many failed attempts, to write a Dylan poem that wasn't crap. I'm too close and he's too big for me, I think. Maybe I've got one here!
Cheers,
John
Hi John,
Some thoughts on your revisions:
Hope that helps some John. Poems are fragile, but stubborn
best
Phil
Some thoughts on your revisions:
I'm afraid my default is that one simile delivers, and should deliver, your meaning. I think you should trust the reader to read that the sky offers nothing but the physics. Besides this is activity, life in a scientific sense and so not dead, even if there is no God/hope.as if
the skies were dead – as if the sky at night
were only atoms burning.
Just a thought.I’m walking, says the singer, with a voice
come welling up through the black soil as if
the radiating light of stars at night
were only atoms burning. All the great
I like offering, but I am unsure of what the offering is. The song/singing?What kind of love,
I ask, survives this offering? The clouds
are weeping.
Hope that helps some John. Poems are fragile, but stubborn
best
Phil
