One Saturday

[Leaf]

She washed her husband's work clothes at the sink
and had a smoke, before the breakfast rush.
She hung them out to dry amidst the pink
and white of cherry blossoms, as a thrush
began to sing. The phrases, chirps and trills,
were met with major scales; her son was up.
She loved to hear him hone his keyboard skills
and, smiling, headed in to make her cup
of coffee. But suddenly she had to cough
and there was blood, bright red upon the path.
A saltspoonful, or less. The tiniest clot.
Well, breakfast now. She covered the blood with grass
and hurried in. The overalls swung on the line,
emitting swathes of carcinogenic lime.

- - -
John might recognise this one; it has been workshopped elsewhere, but I didn't reach the point where I felt it was finished and I'd be grateful for further readings! Quite an emotional topic for me, as 'She' is my Gran (Dad's mother), but I whittled quite a lot from previous drafts. Tight octet to loose sestet is intended. The title could be better, possibly

L10: her blood --> blood

[jisbell00]

Hi FLiss,

I think this is very fine. But stickler that I am, I'd like to remove two syllables: 'her' in "Her blood" - it's an extra beat and I think the meaning's already there - and 'swung' with the overalls: "the overalls on the line / emitted ..." At that point I'd be very happy with your slight metrical variations, because the two big stumbling blocks for me would be no more! Sorry, but that's the pedant in me.
Yes, I do certainly remember this poem. It's very good, I think.

CHeers,
John

[Macavity]

but I didn't reach the point where I felt it was finished

Hi Fliss,
Before I comment, and suggest, any particular areas of concern?

best

Phil

[Leaf]

Hi FLiss,

I think this is very fine. But stickler that I am, I'd like to remove two syllables: 'her' in "Her blood" - it's an extra beat and I think the meaning's already there - and 'swung' with the overalls: "the overalls on the line / emitted ..." At that point I'd be very happy with your slight metrical variations, because the two big stumbling blocks for me would be no more! Sorry, but that's the pedant in me.
Yes, I do certainly remember this poem. It's very good, I think.

CHeers,
John

Hi John,

Thanks for enjoying the poem and for those suggestions. I've deleted 'her', but I'm still thinking about 'swung' as I like the movement. I might reword the last two lines, I suppose. W.-B. and I shall ponder further, when we have time (^v^)

Best wishes,
Fliss

[Leaf]

but I didn't reach the point where I felt it was finished

Hi Fliss,
Before I comment, and suggest, any particular areas of concern?

best

Phil

Hi Phil,

Thanks for the question! My main concern is that, in order to write the poem, I had to dissociate from the sadness of Gran's death and I wonder whether the piece loses emotional impact as a result. It feels quite restrained, I suppose, but that might fit the brief for a possible poetry project I'm working on at the moment. Thoughts welcome

Best wishes,
Fliss

[Leaf]

PS: Apologies for a brief visit this evening; my family visited this afternoon to celebrate Father's Day, as Dad has orchestra on Sundays. It was lovely to see them all, but I've got a bit behind with my work again, as I'd spent some of the morning writing a new poem. I promise to catch up soon!

[Macavity]

Thanks for the question! My main concern is that, in order to write the poem, I had to dissociate from the sadness of Gran's death and I wonder whether the piece loses emotional impact as a result. It feels quite restrained

No, it doesn't Fliss. The undertow is there and felt.

She washed her husband's work clothes at the sink
and had a smoke, before the breakfast rush.

Love that opening, domestic, but intimate.

and white of cherry blossoms, as a thrush
began to sing

Registers a note of renewal and hope. Like how this music is threaded to her son practising his craft.

A saltspoonful, or less.

Like how the measure is that from the domestic. How she perserveres with 'breakfast', clings to routines, dismisses and belittles the condition 'the tiniest clot'. Very human. The impact on the reader is there because of her 'restraint'.

emitting swathes of carcinogenic lime.

I found this line in a different register to the rest, but I presumed you wanted to be specific with the condition. After all, the science, the medical fact cannot be hidden by blades of grass.

best

Phil

[Leaf]

Hi Phil,

Thanks for the reading! I'm relieved the poem is coming across as intended. Great that the undertow is there and felt; thanks for appreciating those opening lines. I enjoyed making a little soundscape for the poem (birdsong and piano scales), so I'm glad that's working too, likewise the impact caused by the description of Gran's reaction to the first signs of illness.

I'm coming and going a bit with whether I want to be specific about the cancer. No one was able to state what caused it, so 'lime' is invention there. We just know she was exposed to something carcinogenic, from Fort Halstead in Kent. For a while the docs thought her smoking had something to do with it; perhaps it did. My first attempt at the poem had as the final lines,

and hurried in. The overalls swung on the line,
emitting particles in toxic time.

and another contender is,

then hurried in. The work clothes gaily swung;
asbestos fibres settled in her lung.

So I'll have a think about all this and hopefully come up with something suitable. Thanks for your comment

Bw,
Fliss

[jisbell00]

Hi Fliss,

I like Phil's reading of your poem and am in sympathy with it. For your ending, I'd say don't reject your two alternative endings out of hand: carcinogenic may be the way to go, but that's a $64 word, and I do stumble on it when I reach it, it fels like medical prose. Now maybe htat's the effect needed at that point in the poem, but I'm unsure, and the rest is so delicate and tonally coherent that maybe one of your two alternatives will better carry the weight you need.

Cheers,
John

[Macavity]

and hurried in. The overalls swung on the line.

You could end there Fliss, thirteen lines I know and no couplet, but a vacancy of space that conveys loss and emptiness? Loss makes lives feel incomplete.

Best

MacPhil

[jisbell00]

Hi FLiss,

I tihnk Phil has got another interesting idea there - drop the last line. It would be rather mysterious, that's for sure.

Cheers,
John

[Leaf]

Hi Fliss,

I like Phil's reading of your poem and am in sympathy with it. For your ending, I'd say don't reject your two alternative endings out of hand: carcinogenic may be the way to go, but that's a $64 word, and I do stumble on it when I reach it, it fels like medical prose. Now maybe htat's the effect needed at that point in the poem, but I'm unsure, and the rest is so delicate and tonally coherent that maybe one of your two alternatives will better carry the weight you need.

Cheers,
John

Hi John,

Yes, hooray for Phil's reading. I agree that 'carcinogenic' is a bit of a stumble and I'm still not sure about the effect. I might be leaning towards the asbestos, as I think that's the right amount of detail and might make for a better connection with readers.

then hurried in. The overalls swung and swung,
emitting toxins that had found her lung.

That's another idea; I might need an alternative title, but that's on the task list too. Thanks for your comment, the later one too

Bw,
Fliss

[Leaf]

and hurried in. The overalls swung on the line.

You could end there Fliss, thirteen lines I know and no couplet, but a vacancy of space that conveys loss and emptiness? Loss makes lives feel incomplete.

Best

MacPhil

That's a very interesting idea, MacPhil. Maybe an ellipsis after 'line', drop a couple of lines and have 'In memory of Dorothy, my Gran' in italics? Or would that be a bit much? I don't really have a limit when it comes to expressing emotions through poetry, so feedback is always useful. And thanks for the snackage

Bw,
Fliss

[Macavity]

I'm the reticent type Fliss, but we are all different... thankfully

[Leaf]

Thankfully indeed, MacPhil! I do think rhythm 'n' rhyme can lend the impression of restraint, hence my concerns with this poem, but hopefully the content is strong enough to build a connection with most readers

[jisbell00]

Hi Fliss,

I think restraint used rightly can add weight to lived emotion, as here.

Cheers,
John

[Leaf]

Ooh yes, right restraint, very pleasant, John. I'm glad the sonnet strikes the right tone with you

Bw,
Fliss

[jisbell00]

It doth. I think I’d replace carcinogenic, though.

Cheers,
John

[Leaf]

Yes, I'll do that, I think. I've had no time for poetry today, but there might be a few hours available at the weekend. So much to write! Fliss & W.-B. Yeats shriek together (^o^)

[CalebPerry]

Interesting poem, not as effortless-sounding as your usual writing.

It would seem that washing the lime out of the pants is what killed her (this is a historical event, right?). There is huge irony in that.

In poems about death I look for maximum irony or poignance. You come close, but there is room for more. I couldn't tell you how to add more, however, as that is the hardest thing to do in any poem. A poem that truly impacts the feelings of the reader is a real accomplishment.

My only suggestion is that you keep working on it. I have written poems that took me twenty to thirty years to finish.

I don't like your usage of "swathes". I'd choose another word.

[Leaf]

The poem is intended to sound a bit tricky in places; that suits the subject matter

I'll probably take a few minutes between work tasks to sort out the ending, but I'm not sure whether to carry on with it because it addresses a family matter involving unresolved emotions (not mine, but certainly others).

[jisbell00]

I know what you mean, Fliss - such things are tricky to handle. Unless you’re Sylvia Plath, that is.

Cheers,
John

[Leaf]

Thanks, John. Yes, pretty tricky. I suppose I'm becoming more aware of what I'm writing with the possibility of a collection looming. It's one thing to post a poem anonymously here (which is muchly appreciated) and quite another to have it published under one's actual name, yikesy

I've read a small amount of Sylvia Plath, I think, and Alek & I watched the film Sylvia last year. That was very poignant. I'd definitely read more of her poetry if I had time

Bw,
Fliss

[jisbell00]

Yup, Plath gets about as raw as anything out there. She stands to an extent alone.

Cheers,
John

[Leaf]

Interesting, John. Is there any particular poem you'd describe in those terms? W.-B. Yeats and I are intrigued (^v^)