Quite bored with it all now

New to poetry? Unsure about the quality of your work? Then why not post here to receive some gentle feedback.
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smiffey
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Mon Jan 24, 2022 7:26 pm

Outside the lab
Inside a host
Across a border

Behind the mask
Infected life
Unvaxed disorder

Inside your home
Amongst your kin
The online order

Two meter friends
The daily stats
A selfish hoarder

Inline for jabs
Into the arm
CV suborders

Warzone wards
In ICU
No coma mourner

Inside a box
Outside a church

We’ve turned a corner
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Macavity
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Tue Jan 25, 2022 6:56 am

Neat poem Smiffey (you sustain the relevance in those -er framing words and in the 'two meter' overall). Could use 'fed up' rather than 'bored' in the title? Bored is such a grey word :lol: .

cheers

Phil
NotQuiteSure
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Tue Jan 25, 2022 1:23 pm

Hi Smiffey,
enjoyed the piece (though having 'bored' in the title is not exactly an inducement to read), but not entirely convinced by (rhyming) three versions of -order.

Might you have unvaxed marauder instead?
'CV suborders' - is this Corona Virus variants? Perhaps, variants prosper ?


Is there a space missing in 'in line'?

Don't think 'In ICU' works that well, care overflows ?

And shouldn't verses five and six be switched?

I don't think the ending satisfies, feels a little rushed (into), but I did enjoy the dimeter 'two-meter rule' play.

Regards, Not

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smiffey
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Tue Jan 25, 2022 6:13 pm

Thank you Phil - Yes, fed up is as good :)

Thanks for the constructive critique NotQuiteSure
Unvaxed marauder is an reasonable alternative. There was though a certain deliberateness in the repetition of 'order' to try (probably wrongly) and emphasise the monotony of this period in our lives. I suppose if you said that the whole piece was boring I would feel I'd partly succeeded.

CV suborders - yes variants was what I intended

Inline space missing. Well it was deliberate (and again probably incorrectly) as I was trying to play on standing in line with 'Inline' in the medical sense, However, I'm happy to stand corrected :)

V5 & V6 - Can you expand a little on reasoning here as I'm not sure what you mean

The ending - hmm yes, I can see what you mean there. Will revisit.
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NotQuiteSure
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Wed Jan 26, 2022 1:21 pm

Hi Smiffey.

However, I'm happy to stand corrected :)
No, no. As you were. I thought there might have been a bit of intravenous play here, just wanted to check.

V5 & V6 - Can you expand a little on reasoning here as I'm not sure what you mean
I just felt you'd loosened the chronology a bit too much here, that 'warzone wards' and 'mourners' preceded 'inline for jabs' ... didn't they?

He's a cut and paste by way of illustration ...



Outside the lab
Inside a host
Across a border

Infected life
Working from home .............. just because I didn't like the repetition of 'inside' :)
The online order

Amongst your kin
A selfish hoarder
Behind the mask

War zone wards
clapping for carers/rings of steel
No coma mourner

Two meter friends
The daily stats
Unvaxed disorder

Inline for jabs
Into the arm
CV suborders

...


Regards, Not

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smiffey
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Wed Jan 26, 2022 6:09 pm

Hi Not
(still struggling calling you Not - I know not why)

Originally my emphasis for the piece was to highlight the fact, for me, that Covid was all about 'position', either due to distancing laws at the time or due to personal limitations imposed for reasons of say fear - hence emphasis on Outside, Inside prepositions etc. In your opinion, does the removal of 'Inside' on line 5 reduce that overall impression or do you feel that the positional emphasis is still strong enough?

Chronologically speaking - yes I can see what you mean. Good point.

The other element I'm having some difficulties with following your valid suggestions is here.
When I wrote
'In ICU
no coma mourner'

It was to emphasis the separation element of Covid, so In ICU isn't there in isolation as a standalone line, it was related to coma mourners.
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NotQuiteSure
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Thu Jan 27, 2022 12:03 pm

Hi Smiffey.

(still struggling calling you Not - I know not why)
You're not the first. Don't worry, the effect doesn't last. Just between us, I have to keep checking I've put the 'e' in your name.

It was to emphasis the separation element of Covid, so In ICU isn't there in isolation as a standalone line, it was related to coma mourners.
I'm wondering if you're a tad hoisted on the petard of no punctuation/first letter capitals,they certainly encouraged me towards 'standalone'. But, and likely this is just me, were I looking to relate 'mourners' to anything it would be to the following, not the preceding line.)

Originally my emphasis for the piece was to highlight the fact, for me, that Covid was all about 'position', Fair enough, and neat (as in interesting). How does this relate to 'online/unvaxed/hoarder' ? (I can see the natural 'opposite' to online, but the other two?)
positional emphasis If you want to maintain the emphasis (and I suspect you do) perhaps

Within your home
Amongst your kin .......... though this does seem like a reworking of the line above.
The online order

might work?


Regards, Not

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HonourStedman
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Thu Jan 27, 2022 4:53 pm

I really rather like this poem dear smiffey, and was amazed at how when re-reading it, I consciously noted the clever use of rhyme which lends fluidity to the poem without needing to be analysed. The only correction I would presume to suggest is that the title could be shortened to "Quite bored", in line with the snappy minimalism of the lines in the poem.

Regards, Honour
bjondon
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Mon Jan 31, 2022 5:04 pm

Hi and welcome smiffey,,
My first take on this, at least for the first 3 verses was that it was from the point of view of the virus.
As things stand I found that more interesting.
I like your idea that our experience, and what the virus has brought out in us depends on 'position' or chosen attitude, but I think you might need a more forgiving form to bring that out.
Appreciated the nice ambiguity of the final 'turning a corner' line (i.e. at last recovery and normality in sight or does it mean an irrevocable change has happened).
The contrary 'anti-poetic' title definitely drew me in .

Best, Jules
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