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Strange Bird (v2)

Posted: Tue Aug 03, 2021 12:45 pm
by Amadis
---V2---
I first saw The Bird
in my grandmothers garden.
But a chick pecking at seed.
Then it locked eyes with me,

I knew I was the seed, while
simultaneously, The Bird.
All time in an instant.
The Chick flew away with me.

The next time I saw The Bird
I was ten or so, it flew above
the school grounds looking, only at me.
Somehow it said to me:
“Don’t think in your head”

When I was seventeen,
I was hiking along a creek valley.
Just downstream, eyes locked on mine,
flush with blue black feathers, it said:
“You will never be the same again”

I caught The Birds eye once more,
It was staring from a tree nested,
outside the hospital window.
The day my daughter was born.

As my hair greyed, The Bird sayed less.
But still I saw, that great silhouette,
perched in the large gumtree on the hill.
I knew it was waiting for me.

Last night I think I saw The Bird,
roosting on the HillsHoist in my yard.
I feel trepidation now,
these old eyes are failing me,


--- V1 --
I first saw The Bird
in my grandmothers garden
A chick pecking at some seeds
when it locked eyes with me

I knew I was the seed, while
simultaneously, the bird pecking.
A being here, but also there.
A feeling of all time in an instant.

The next time I saw The Bird
I was ten or so, it few above
the school grounds looking,
only at me.
Somehow it said to me:
“Don’t think in your head”

When I was seventeen,
Hiking along a creek valley,
I saw Black wings outstretched
just downstream, eyes locked on mine.
It said: “You will never be the same again”

When my daughter was born
I caught The Birds eye,
peering from a tree outside
the hospital window.

Lately I’ve seen The Birds great silhouette
in the large gumtree on the hill.
Today I think I saw it roosting on my HillsHoist
But I’m not quite sure.

Re: Strange Bird

Posted: Tue Aug 03, 2021 1:02 pm
by NotQuiteSure
Hi Amadis,
this one needs an ending, it just seems to fizzle out. And better punctuation.

What is missing from the end of S1/L3? A comma, a period?

S2/L3, you've just said this, why the repetition?

(Note, typo in s3, it should be flew, not few).

S4, is 'black wings' now the name of the bird? If not, how could their eyes be 'locked on mine'?

S4, and ... ?

S5, really weak ending. You're not sure? So what?

Is 'strange' really the best you can do for a title? It doesn't really tell the reader anything about the bird. I don't think you'd read the poem differently if you'd just called it Bird.

Regards, Not

.

Re: Strange Bird

Posted: Tue Aug 03, 2021 2:44 pm
by Macavity
Intriguing one Amadis.

Amadis wrote:
Tue Aug 03, 2021 12:45 pm
--- V1 --
I first saw The Bird
in my grandmothers garden. full-stop
A chick pecking at some seeds
when it locked eyes with me. full-stop

I knew I was the seed, while
simultaneously, the bird pecking....................passive/aggressive...elsewhere you capitalise 'bird'?
A being here, but also there.................not singular, not defined
A feeling of all time in an instant.

The next time I saw The Bird
I was ten or so, it few above.................typo...flew?
the school grounds looking,
only at me.
Somehow it said to me:
“Don’t think in your head”............instinct v thought?

When I was seventeen,
Hiking along a creek valley,.................lowercase for hiking?
I saw Black wings outstretched
just downstream, eyes locked on mine.
It said: “You will never be the same again”............why?

When my daughter was born
I caught The Bird's eye,.............................apostrophe :)
peering from a tree outside
the hospital window.

Lately I’ve seen The Bird's great silhouette
in the large gumtree on the hill.
Today I think I saw it roosting on my HillsHoist
But I’m not quite sure.
I think you have something Amadis, but the narrative needs to be less vague, more linear. There is some spritual/nature v rational/consciousness thread I'm not really unravelling. I'm guessing the poem is something to do with identity?

hope that helps some

mac

Re: Strange Bird (v2)

Posted: Sat Aug 07, 2021 8:08 am
by Amadis
Thanks for your comments Mac and Not, very helpful.
(Apart from that one Apostrophe remark, Not ;)

So here is the more coherent V2.

Re: Strange Bird (v2)

Posted: Sat Aug 07, 2021 10:56 am
by pomespennyeach
Amadis,

I like this new version very much. I have one suggestion.

I think the repetion of "The Bird" becomes monotonous and is too vague a name. What about specific types of birds with each iteration, that is, a chick, a crow, a robin, a hawk, etc.? Just becuase the bird's type might change would not, I think, lessen the impact of your poem and might increase it.

PPE

Re: Strange Bird (v2)

Posted: Sun Aug 08, 2021 4:54 am
by Amadis
Thanks PPE for taking the time to read.

Yes, the repetition of "The Bird" is, indeed, repetitive.
But it cannot have a (public) name, nor be spoken to directly.

You are right that The Bird goes though life stages, perhaps there are English words for those stages in a bird life that can be used.

Cheers.