Poetry Forum

revision3

She found her father's tools.
All new. Lets empty his shed
she said. So Dan dug up
the stubborn weeds, and mowed
an immaculate lawn.
Declutters heads, he said
and grinned his subsoil hope.

She found her father's bike.
Anger is adrenaline,
she said, it kept my dad
alive, consumed all else.
Dan gave the bike a ride.
A childhood fear, he shouted
with topsoil happiness.

His last purchase, she said.
He wanted no stairs to climb,
but a view to die for.
Dan found a palette knife,
some oils, a half-completed
landscape of a cloudless day.
I'll sort it, she said and did.



===========================================================

revision2

She found her father's tools.
All new. Empty his shed
she said. So Dan dug up
the stubborn weeds, and mowed
an immaculate lawn.
Declutters heads, he said.


She found her father's bike.
Anger is adrenaline,
she said, it kept my dad
alive, consumed all else.
Dan gave the bike a ride.
Oxygenating, he said.

The bungalow drew frowns.
His last purchase, she said.
He wanted no stairs to climb,
but a view to die for.
Dan found a palette knife,

some oils, a half-completed
landscape of a cloudless day.




===================================

revision

She found her father's tools.
To empty his shed may help
she said. So Dan dug up
obstinate weeds, and mowed
an immaculate lawn.

She found her father's bike.
Anger is adrenaline,
she said, it kept my dad
alive, consumed all else.
Dan gave the bike a ride.

The bungalow made frowns.
His last purchase, she said.
He wanted no stairs to climb,
but a view to die for.
Dan found a palette knife,

some oils, a half-completed
landscape of a cloudless day.

=========================================

original

She found her father's spade.
To empty his shed may help
she said. So Dan dug up
the stubborn fern, let breathe
the sweet briar's apple scent.

She found her father's bike.
Anger is adrenaline,
she said, it kept my dad
alive, consumed all else.
Dan gave the bike a ride.

The bungalow made frowns.
Like the last act, she said.
He wanted no stairs to climb,
but a view to die for.
Dan found a palette knife,

some oils, a half-completed
landscape of a cloudless day.

.
Hi mac,
really like the last verse (though not sure about 'frowns' and the final line).
Don't know why Dan has a name and she doesn't.
And what's supposed to be breathing the briar apple (that removing a fern helps)?
Is briar apple the same as rosa rubiginosa?
Where does she find the spade?

This seems to me to be the poem

Bungalow in (place name)

He wanted no stairs
just a view to die for.

which, I admit, may be a tad brief.

Regards, Not

.

An interesting poem that doesn't tell us who Dan is, doesn't tell us why Dan takes all his cues from the protagonist of the poem, nor Dan's motivation in doing God-knows-what with the knife. This is a real who-done-it in the making.

Ah, I just noticed that Dan found the knife on his own, and the protagonist is the likely victim. I think the poem needs a little more fleshing out.

Maybe Dan is the protagonist's alter ego.

I just noticed the title for the first time. I see now. They have all inherited mental illness.

Bungalow in (place name)

He wanted no stairs
just a view to die for.

which, I admit, may be a tad brief.

It's an option Not. The title will need to do more...The' 'Steeplejack's Bungalow'?

cheers

mac

Ah, I just noticed that Dan found the knife on his own, and the protagonist is the likely victim.

Dan is the friend trying to be positive...the palette knife is for painting the wonderful view

I just noticed the title for the first time. I see now. They have all inherited mental illness.

The daughter has inherited her father's property and some of his personality traits such as 'anger'. How well did she know her father? The inheritance is an 'education'.

Thanks Perry.

cheers

mac

I liked every line, until the last one. The poem seems to just suddenly stop and drop the reader at that point. That was probably deliberate: what is Dan going to do with that palette knife? Probably something best left unsaid? (Didn't read your explanation.)

I never understand ANYTHING about your poems, even when I think the meaning is obvious.

A palette knife -- of course that would be an artist's tool.

Thanks PPE and Perry.

what is Dan going to do with that palette knife?

There is clearly an inference in the palette knife line that is unwanted. I have added some extra lines to put the focus on painting.

all the best

mac

.
Hi mac,
just to say I inferred nothing from the palate knife, other than it confirmed the father painted, but I quite like the new additions. It's still all very dry though, none of the people seem real (the details, spade, oils etc, are rather generic) though the situation, clearing a property after the death of a relative, is.

Still don't know how a fern chokes a sweet briar (nor how digging it up empties a shed?) And 'like the last act' of what?

Just a thought

She found her father's spade.
To empty his shed may help
she said. So Dan dug up
the stubborn fern, let breathe
the sweet briar's apple scent.

The bungalow made frowns.
Like the last act, she said.
He wanted no stairs to climb,
but a view to die for.
Dan found a palette knife,

some oils, a half-completed
landscape of a cloudless day.
She found her father's bike,
said anger is adrenaline,
it kept him alive,

consumed all else.
Dan watched her ride away.


Regards, Not

.

Dan watched her ride away.

Sounds soapy Not. Any thoughts on a title for the short version?

mac

Macavity wrote: ↑

Sun Jul 25, 2021 4:34 pm

Sounds soapy Not.

Yeah, I assumed you take care of that

As to a title, For sale, Bungalow?

Coming back again, I think the problem is the 'shed' verse. Would it make more sense for her/them to be clearing out a bedroom, or similar. The shed suggests a pastime/hobby, which detracts from the painting. But having to clear away things he wore (rather than used) might provide an intimacy that spade lacks.

Regards, Not

.

Cut the man shed...and all those tools...bought, but never used...a true story!
Other 'pastimes'...a bike, nearly new...and, of course, the painting kit, hardly used.

Thanks for the suggestion on a title. Still pondering.

mac

The new ending works.
I was previously puzzled by the pallet knife.

Now I read, things passed down, once disused, finding life again.

Nice work.

Thanks Amadis, that is exactly it, finding life again.

cheers

Mac

.
Hi mac,
'never used'? Well, you might have said ('half-completed' doesn't guarantee a lack of commitment, he could simply have died mid-way through.)

Something like
S1,
She found her father's tools
untouched. Better to work
she said. So ...

S2, not sure that 'gave the bike a ride' (can't get the Derry Girls use of 'ride' out of my head ) suggests that it had not been used. Oiled the chain?

S3,
'caused frowns' seems almost a child's expression. Could it not 'raise eyebrows'?
..
His last purchase, she said.
Sick of climbing sodding stairs
wanted 'a view to die for'.
Dan found a dirty palette knife,

and an abandoned landscape
of a cloudless winter day.


Maybe a variation on the original title, Inheritances? (But then what has she left unfinished?)
There's something of a 'bucket list' about the things he bought, but didn't use.
Actually, I quite like the idea of Unfinished - jobs, paintings, life, relationships?

Regards, Not

.

(can't get the Derry Girls use of 'ride' out of my head )

Never watched it Not

Actually, I quite like the idea of Unfinished - jobs, paintings, life, relationships?

Yes, it is an interest.

cheers

mac

Hi mac,
Like 'all new' but not so much 'Dan' (and his unnecessary contributions )

s1.
Still struggling to make the leap fro 'empty his shed' to 'dug up the ... ' - for me these seem to entirely different activities.)

she said. So Dan dug out
the stubborn rakes, the mower
...

left wondering what she/they are going to do with all this stuff.

S2. would she say 'my Dad' when he's clearly the subject of the' conversation'?
Anger is adrenaline,
she said, it kept him
going, consumed all else.

Now I want to know why he was so angry, and at what.
(This seems to be a bit of the 'odd verse out' - you've 'all new' in s1 and a corresponding 'purchase' in s3, and while I can see there is a similar idea of wastefulness in 'anger/consumed all else' 'oxygenating' baffles me. Where's Tristan when you need him?)

s3.
Dan found a palette knife,

oils, a half-completed landscape
of a cloudless day.

Is there more that could be added to this, in what state were the oils, some extra detail of the painting, and whether he was proficient (or better) as an artist?
The characters (her and her father) still don't feel two-dimensional, yet, sketches rather than fully drawn.


Regards, Not

.

Like 'all new' but not so much 'Dan' (and his unnecessary contributions )

You find him too positive Not?

Now I want to know why he was so angry

https://poets.org/poem/do-not-go-gentle-good-night

best

mac

Macavity wrote: ↑

Wed Jul 28, 2021 3:19 pm

You find him too positive Not?

Ye gods, yes. Look how he's muscled his way into the revisions.
Now I'm thinking the father killed himself to escape Dan.
Not buying the Thomas explanation, the 'anger/adrenaline' doesn't seem sufficient. He's (recently) bought a new house, got disposable income for things he doesn't use, and, of course, it didn't keep him alive
That said, it does opens up the possibility that he didn't use these thinks because he couldn't and for viewing the daughter's behaviour in a more positive light (how late am I to this interpretation?)

Before a bit of unsolicited butchery might the daughter be saying 'all new' (not the poet)?

His last purchase, she said.
He wanted no stairs to climb,
but a view to die for.
found a palette knife, some oils,
a half-completed landscape
of a cloudless day.
I'll sort it, she said ................ not sure about 'I'll sort it' (can almost hear her saying 'typical')

found her father's tools.
All new. emptied his shed
dug up the stubborn weeds,
and mowed an immaculate lawn.

She found her father's bike.
Anger is adrenaline,
she said, it kept my dad
alive, consumed all else.
(ending to be announced later, but it definitely won't be soapy )

Regards, Not

.

he didn't use these thinks because he couldn't

Exactly Not!

I'll let the poem rest now. It's got a bit kitchen-sink drama boring, but time will tell...hopefully

cheers

mac

Well, wasn't that an unfortunate place for a type?