unwelcome breeze

New to poetry? Unsure about the quality of your work? Then why not post here to receive some gentle feedback.
Post Reply
User avatar
Amadis
Prolific Poster
Prolific Poster
Posts: 298
Joined: Sat Jun 20, 2020 12:54 pm

Fri Jul 16, 2021 9:15 am

A world lonely together
For long besieged years
Mother forgets the face of Son
The wary become the weary

Harboured boats grow barnacles
Times tide quenches hot fear
With our graves prepared
We march in resignation

No rousing speeches
No soldiers battle cry
No banners held high
No glory promised

Caged birds compelled to migrate
We trudge from the gates
Blink at the Suns new rays
Greet the enemy breeze on face.


-- v1--
Harboured boats grow barnacles
Caged birds long to migrate
Mother forgets the face of Son

A world lonely together
Besieged long years
Wary turns to weary

Weary time cools hot fear
With graves prepared
We march in resignation

No rousing speeches
No soldiers battle cry
No banners flap in breeze

We trudge from the gates
Blink at the Suns new rays
Greet the enemy breeze on face.
Last edited by Amadis on Sat Jul 17, 2021 2:10 am, edited 5 times in total.
pomespennyeach
Persistent Poster
Persistent Poster
Posts: 163
Joined: Fri Jul 09, 2021 3:55 pm

Fri Jul 16, 2021 1:15 pm

Harboured boats grow barnacles
Caged birds long to migrate
Mother forgets the face of Son

A world lonely together .............I think the poem should start with this stanza
Besieged long years .............flip first two words: Long besieged years
Wary turns to weary

Weary time cools hot fear
With graves prepared ..........."To" graves prepared ?
We march in resignation

No rousing speeches
No soldiers battle cry
No banners flap in breeze .............since you are going to use breeze at the end, maybe a different word or phrase; "No banners streaming"?

We wander from the gates
Blink at the Suns new rays
Greet the enemy breeze on face. ................Great last line
Macavity
Moderator
Moderator
Posts: 11785
Joined: Tue May 10, 2005 10:29 am

Fri Jul 16, 2021 10:11 pm

Hi Amadis,
I was wondering if you could work some of the lines of S1 elsewhere in the poem, replace some of the abstractions?

mac
User avatar
Amadis
Prolific Poster
Prolific Poster
Posts: 298
Joined: Sat Jun 20, 2020 12:54 pm

Sat Jul 17, 2021 1:24 am

Thanks for the suggestions, pomespennyeach and Macavity.
Your thoughts helped me give it a bit more shape.

Reading sound is still a bit rough,
but given the subject matter, beauty is irrelevant.
pomespennyeach
Persistent Poster
Persistent Poster
Posts: 163
Joined: Fri Jul 09, 2021 3:55 pm

Sat Jul 17, 2021 11:08 am

I very much like the way you've merged the original lines and revised. Great read. Thanks for posting.
Post Reply