The Promised Land (v4)

[NotQuiteSure]

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v4
The Promised Land


Trumpety-Dumpety built a great wall –
out of hot air and lies and nothing at all:

with snipers to shoot at a Mexican's knees
and gators to eat all the bad refugees,

spikes and electrical currents that kill
cages for babies and children to fill.

– As everywhere Red Hatters whooped and wrawled
for there are some things that do love a wall.



______________


v3
The Promised Land


Trumpety-Dumpety built a great wall
of hot air and lies and nothing at all:

with snipers to shoot out Mexican knees
and gators to eat all the bad refugees,

spikes and electrical currents that kill
and cages for babies and children to fill.

Though not everything is as black as it seems
the wall is no more than a Red Hatter's dream,

man eating serpents aren't guarding the border
but Justice is languishing in La Perrera.




______________


v2
The Promised Land


Trumpety-Dumpety built a great wall
of hot air and lies and nothing at all:

with snipers to shoot out Mexican knees
and gators to eat all the poor refugees,

spikes and electrical currents that kill
and plenty of processing centers to fill.

Though not everything is as dark as it seems
for Trumpety's wall is the stuff of his dreams

no man eating serpents are guarding the border
but children are crying in La Perrera.



______________


The Promised Land


Trumpety-Dumpety built a great wall
of hot air and lies and nothing at all:

with snipers to shoot out Mexican knees
and gators to eat all the poor refugees,

with spikes and electrical currents that kill
and cages for babies and children to fill.

A red-hatted hero, symbol of sanity
leading the world far away from humanity.



.

[Firebird]

Overall I really like it. Of course that may be helped along by agreeing 100 percent with it.

I think the first two stanzas read incredibly well, but then the rhythm of line five sounds slightly wrong for me. Line 6 is good. The second half of line 7 seems to fall a bit flat. Not sure why. And line 8 I suspect might be better without ‘far’. Having said all that I do really like it. And those points may just be me.

Cheers,

Tristan

.
The Promised Land


Trumpety-Dumpety built a great wall
of hot air and lies and nothing at all:

with snipers to shoot out Mexican knees
and gators to eat all the poor refugees,

with spikes and electrical currents that kill
and cages for babies and children to fill.

A red-hatted hero, symbol of sanity
leading the world far away from humanity.



.

[NotQuiteSure]

.
Hi Tristan,
thanks for the read.

L5 - would it be better (and I think it likely would) without the 'with'?
L7 - you caught me. I'm not happy with the second half either (and
haven't found the answer. Probably being bound by the limited rhymes
for 'humanity' and I may just have to replace the couplet entirely.
Might have done so if I hadn't got distracted by the other one ).

Regards, Not



p.s revision posted.


.

[Macavity]

You seem to have toned the poem down in V2 Not. Made it more restrained, though

and plenty of processing centers to fill. seems bland, compared to

and cages for babies and children to fill.

The delivery change could kick-in with the L7-L8

Pity to lose A red-hatted hero.

best

mac

.
v2
The Promised Land


Trumpety-Dumpety built a great wall
of hot air and lies and nothing at all:

with snipers to shoot out Mexican knees
and gators to eat all the poor refugees,

spikes and electrical currents that kill
and plenty of processing centers to fill.

Though not everything is as dark as it seems
for Trumpety's wall is the stuff of his dreams

no man eating serpents are guarding the border
but children are crying in La Perrera.



______________


The Promised Land


Trumpety-Dumpety built a great wall
of hot air and lies and nothing at all:

with snipers to shoot out Mexican knees
and gators to eat all the poor refugees,

with spikes and electrical currents that kill
and cages for babies and children to fill.

A red-hatted hero, symbol of sanity
leading the world far away from humanity.



.

[NotQuiteSure]

.
Hi mac,
bland? OK. Fraid I couldn't return your 'hero', but after some minor restoration and tweaking - v3.

Regards, Not



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[Macavity]

That's okay...I like the red-hatter option

[NotQuiteSure]

.
Thanks for returning mac,
do you think it should be Red Hatter (without the hyphen)?
Still not sure about the ending, would
but decency's dying down in La Perrera
be stronger?


Regards, Not


.

[Macavity]

Lear's Mad Hatter is not hyphenated.

but children are crying in La Perrera.

That was the stronger, non-abstract ending for me, but you have already mentioned children in V3. Will have a ponder.

best

mac

[NotQuiteSure]

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Hi mac,
not hyphenated buy capitalised? OK. Done.

Will have a ponder.

Thanks, I'll be over here bating my breath.

Regards, Not


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[Firebird]

Hi Not,

I’m not a fan of S2/3. I think they over complicate the poem and lose the immediacy and thrust/verve of v1. I do not think this is type of poem should ask the reader to think too much. The pleasure is in it directness and thrustIng rhythm. IMP you now just need to improve that final stanza in S1. The first three stanza of v3 are great.

Hope this helps.

Cheers,

Tristan

[NotQuiteSure]

.
Hi Tristan.
IMP? WTO! What's the P?

OK. How about this couplet as an ending for v1?

Red Hatters everywhere whooped and wrawled
for they are such things that do love a wall.


Regards, Not

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[Macavity]

Red Hatters everywhere whooped and wrawled
for they are patriots that do love a wall.

Just a thought

[NotQuiteSure]

Just a thought

And an interesting one. Thanks.
( as a general idea, though, this ending works?)

Regards, Not


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[Macavity]

I think so. After all he is their elected mouth-piece.

best

mac

[Firebird]

I like Mac’s suggested ending. It works well for me.

Cheers,

Tristan

[NotQuiteSure]

.
Thanks mac, Tristan.

Not entirely sure about patriot myself, but will mull.

Regards, Not

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[Firebird]

Well, to be honest Not, almost anything’s better than ‘such things’ . It’s very weak, especially in a final line.

Cheers,

Tristan

[NotQuiteSure]

almost anything’s better than ‘such things’

Aha! Right, it was my second choice, the first was

while Red Hatters everywhere cheered and wrawled
for some things there are that do love a wall.

- being a much closer to Frost's original (save for
the switch in meaning), but I was wary of 'some
things'. Any better?

Thanks for sticking with this one.

Regards, Not

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[JJWilliamson]

Clever, entertaining poem, Not, and one that put a wry smile on my face.

Your triple meter is very good, for the most part, but does falter in a few places, particularly the last line V3.

.
v3
The Promised Land


Trumpety-Dumpety built a great wall ...perfect meter, and nice punning.
of hot air and lies and nothing at all: ...You need another beat after 'lies'. EG only "of hot air and faleshoods and nothing at all". The 'hoods' part of the word gives you the extra beat to maintain your triple m.

with snipers to shoot out Mexican knees ...An extra beat after 'out'. Eg only "with snipers to shoot out some Mexican knees"
and gators to eat all the bad refugees, ...Perfect meter.

spikes and electrical currents that kill
and cages for babies and children to fill. ...Both lines perfect meter.

Though not everything is as black as it seems ...Near perfect meter, although an elision on 'every' is required. Ok with me, though.
the wall is no more than a Red Hatter's dream, ...Perfect meter.

man eating serpents aren't guarding the border ...Perfect meter
but Justice is languishing in La Perrera. ...Too many syllables in 'languishing' and possibly one missing before 'La'.

Here's my scan on the line but JUST/ice is LANG/uishing in /La PerRERa.
Now, if a shuffle was applied, EG only "but JUST/ice is LACK/ing in BLEAK/ La PerRERa"/

Overall, I think there's something going for all versions, but you're not quite there yet. Great read, though.

Best

JJ


______________


v2
The Promised Land


Trumpety-Dumpety built a great wall
of hot air and lies and nothing at all:

with snipers to shoot out Mexican knees
and gators to eat all the poor refugees,

spikes and electrical currents that kill
and plenty of processing centers to fill.

Though not everything is as dark as it seems
for Trumpety's wall is the stuff of his dreams

no man eating serpents are guarding the border
but children are crying in La Perrera.



______________


The Promised Land


Trumpety-Dumpety built a great wall
of hot air and lies and nothing at all:

with snipers to shoot out Mexican knees
and gators to eat all the poor refugees,

with spikes and electrical currents that kill
and cages for babies and children to fill.

A red-hatted hero, symbol of sanity
leading the world far away from humanity.



.

[NotQuiteSure]

.
Hi JJ,
thanks very, very much.

you're not quite there yet.

OK, great sage, how's about this then? V4 up.

Thanks again JJ, much appreciated.

Regards, Not


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[Firebird]

almost anything’s better than ‘such things’

Aha! Right, it was my second choice, the first was

while Red Hatters everywhere cheered and wrawled
for some things there are that do love a wall.

- being a much closer to Frost's original (save for
the switch in meaning), but I was wary of 'some
things'. Any better?

.

Hi Not,

I didn’t pick up on the Frost allusion. And to be honest I’m still not keen on ‘some things’ or ‘any things’. I prefer the ‘patriots’ option.

Cheers,

Tristan

[NotQuiteSure]

.
Thanks for returning Tristan.
I'll chance my arm with the Frost allusion for a little longer, see if anyone bites. If not, well ...
at least now I've got options.

Thanks again.

Regards, Not


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[David]

I like this one. I had my doubts about "wrawled", but I see it is a word. News to me, but I like learning new words.

I like the Frost allusion - which I got - a lot. It's very apt, and gives the poem a very satisfying and surprising ending. I suspect Trump might well be exactly the sort of president that Frost would have approved of.

Cheers

David

[NotQuiteSure]

.
Hi David,

thanks for the read, and, most importantly, getting the Frost allusion.

I suspect Trump might well be exactly the sort of president that Frost would have approved of.

Now there's a depressing thought, but one with which, I suspect, it would be difficult to argue.

Regards, Not

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[Suzanne]

Hi,

The first lines were fun to read, good rhythm. The topic brings an immediate emotional response, like trauma.

Red Hatters was not as smooth as red hatted hero.

I also don't believe they deserve capitalization no matter how aroggant they seem.

He says he's built a wall. He says lots of things.

Suzanne