Scrabble (revision 1)

[Jackie]

Scrabble (revision 1)

Scramble your tray. From the cascade
behind your eyes slice a near word
of strong meaning, length, and ground
lacking one sound. Scan the board’s vendors.
Be circumspect. Search all their positions.
Challenge how they surveil and who repel.
Return home. Review your interlocking

need, and reach out. Act. Create that
five-letter word of meaning and renown,
become now five peddlers of unique sounds.
An array multiplying your surface of play
to the farthest reaches of your board.
Five silhouettes on crisscrossed streets
new-made barons of near sites and spaces.


Scrabble (original)

Scramble the tray. From among tumbling letters
behind your eyes slice a near word
of strong meaning, length, and ground.
Scan the board for the one sound you need.
Be circumspect. Cast all about each trader.
Assess their positions, how they monitor
their sites and who they repel from spaces
nearby on their crisscrossed streets.
Return home. Review your interlocking

need, and reach out. Act. Create that word
of length, meaning and renown;
for that treasure, once laid, will build you both
an array multiplying your surfaces of play
to the farthest reaches of the board.
Your word, however, next time around
will have become five peddlers of unique sounds,
silhouettes placed on crisscrossed streets
who monitor next door sites and spaces.

[Macavity]

Hi Jackie,
I do enjoy a scrabble game and I do pick up aspects of the game in the poem. The poem's commanding voice plays out its inner logic, but I'm on the outside of the metaphor if there is one. I do recognise the interlocking need in the game, but then you seem to carry that into trading in a market (may be).

cheers

mac

[CalebPerry]

Jackie, I don't go on the beginner's board very often, so I overlooked this poem. There are things I like about it -- the clear language, the cadence, the logic. It's hard, however, for me to find a poem about a game compelling. I understand that the game is a metaphor for something else -- life, family, relationships? But I'm not sure what, and that's the problem. I'm not one for Rubic's Cube poems -- i.e., poems that have to be figured out like a puzzle. Your language is clear, but your metaphor is confusing -- at least, to my limited comprehension.

[Jackie]

Mac and Perry, thank you for your impressions of the poem. Now that I've had a few weeks away from it, I can see your point.

Back to the drawing board.

Jackie

[bjondon]

Hi Jackie,
This is very good ... Just catching it before it falls off the board!
I think It's about DNA, the creation of a life form.
You don't seem to be that concerned with metre which I don't mind, it gives it a more thoughtful air, but it
might be interesting to reframe it in a tighter scheme.
It is very well clued in, the precise choice of words and that first
word 'slice' what alerted me to what is going on. . . that is until
the five peddlers . . . at that point I felt that you might be widening (and quite successfully back referencing)
the metaphor to the building of a life, maybe even the narrators.
So the five peddlers could be offspring but it all felt a little confusing.
The silhouettes and waiting at street corners - that worked really well as an image of drug dealers controlling territory.
The line break between stanzas is superb.
The word 'both' (L12) didn't really play out for me in the metaphor. . .isn't it a single entity?
Lines 13/14 sent a shiver up my spine.
And of course the verb to scrabble means to grasp at frantically.
Superb!

Regards, Jules

[David]

Hi Jackie,
This is very good ... Just catching it before it falls off the board!

I agree. I've only just stumbled upon it now. It was only "Cast all about each trader" I didn't understand, but it's a long time since I've played Scrabble.

But I think it's very accomplished. Good stuff, Jackie!

Cheers

David

[Jackie]

David and Jules, thank you so much for your comments. I wasn't happy with "Cast all about each trader" either, David, but couldn't come up with an alternative.

Jules, your thought processes as you tried to work through what i was talking about helped a lot.

I have posted a revision above.

Jackie

[bjondon]

Leaner, meaner, more mysterious.
I like it more, understand it less . . . or maybe getting closer
Enjoying the unique sounds of these (occasionally) pentametric peddlers.
Reminds me a bit of Keith Douglas.
J

[David]

Ah. IPTO. My mantra, as so often: I prefer the original.

I think you've lost a lot with the rewrite, but clearly opinions may differ, as Jules doesn't. And admittedly I haven't read much Keith Douglas. (Should read more, I'm sure.)

It did at least make me realise that I'm not really sure what it's about. I originally thought it was Scrabble as a guide to life - hard scrabble! - but I think now it might be more specific than that. (Is it related to where you live?)

Cheers

David

[churinga]

Hi Jackie

Challenge how they surveil and who repel.
I would omit 'who' it is understood and I think the line flows better without it.

become now five peddlers of unique sounds.
You could omit 'now' it's also understood.
Also are the sounds 'unique' or simply new in that moment.

Five silhouettes on crisscrossed streets
criss-crossed is accepted usage.

I really liked the poem. I havn't read the previous versions but found this very engaging. I am still absorbing it and will reread.
Why are so many good poems hiding in the inexperienced section. Is there a conspiracy to subvert the current paradigm?

kind regards

Ross

[ton321]

Hi jackie,

I liked the original more, but there is not a lot between the two versions, in my opinion. Really liked the last four lines, . My only crit is that i would have liked some kind of rhyme-scheme going on, to criss-cross and interlock the poem/subject matter together
Tony

[Jackie]

Jules, David, Ross and Tony—I appreciate so much your coming back and studying this so carefully! I plan to use all your suggestions as I keep working on it.

And thanks for the reference to Keith Douglas. I do like his voice and just bought one of his collections.

Jackie

[Firebird]

Hi Jackie,

I'm no scrabble player, I'm afraid, but I can appreciate the craft in this piece. It reads very well. But I'd like a few more clues about what the poem may be about if it's not only scrabble, which if it is that's fine. I suspect there's more though.

Cheers,

Tristan

[churinga]

Cast all about each trader.

Why on earth did you ditch this sentence. It has great sonics and its meaning is clear, 'cast' with its biblical reference and 'trader' with it's stock market associations. Never change poems on the run, let suggestions and crits sink in and stew for a while.

[Jackie]

Thanks, Tristan. True, I haven't thunk this through yet.

Ross, I think I'll make your last sentence my mantra for a while.

Much appreciated.

Jackie