The last sun (V2)
It’s getting harder to find now.
Rises late, sets early, as
the houses across the road
block its lowering light.
Still, I have my patch
to enjoy this,
the last summer
of my ninth life.
The last sun
It’s getting harder to find now.
Rises late, sets early,
the houses across the road
blocking its lowering light.
Still, I have my patch
to enjoy the last summer
of my ninth life.
The last sun - Revised
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NotQuiteSure
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oggiesnr,
very nice, wistful, melancholic, all good things.
L.4[tab][/tab]'block' rather than 'blocking' ?
L.6[tab][/tab]is 'why the last summer' a question you intend the reader to ask?
nice ending.
Regards, Not.
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oggiesnr,
very nice, wistful, melancholic, all good things.
L.4[tab][/tab]'block' rather than 'blocking' ?
L.6[tab][/tab]is 'why the last summer' a question you intend the reader to ask?
nice ending.
Regards, Not.
[tab][/tab]
Thanks for the crit. Agree about block.
The original title was "The last sun of summer" which it might revert to which and is why the summer reference.
It is about our nineteen year old cat who we lost last Autumn. Every day she'd go out into the pub carpark next door and find that patch of sunlight. Every car that came into the park used to navigate around her.
Much missed by many.
Steve
The original title was "The last sun of summer" which it might revert to which and is why the summer reference.
It is about our nineteen year old cat who we lost last Autumn. Every day she'd go out into the pub carpark next door and find that patch of sunlight. Every car that came into the park used to navigate around her.
Much missed by many.
Steve
NotQuiteSure wrote:[tab][/tab]
oggiesnr,
very nice, wistful, melancholic, all good things.
L.4[tab][/tab]'block' rather than 'blocking' ?
L.6[tab][/tab]is 'why the last summer' a question you intend the reader to ask?
nice ending.
Regards, Not.
[tab][/tab]
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NotQuiteSure
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 3514
- Joined: Wed Dec 28, 2016 4:05 pm
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Steve,
I think the title's fine, perhaps consider changing L.6 -
to enjoy this/the summer
- It makes things more implicit, but, with the title, I think your intended meaning will come across.
Regards, Not.
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Steve,
I think the title's fine, perhaps consider changing L.6 -
to enjoy this/the summer
- It makes things more implicit, but, with the title, I think your intended meaning will come across.
Regards, Not.
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JJWilliamson
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 3276
- Joined: Sun Feb 22, 2015 6:20 am
The last line makes the poem, Steve, tying everything together beautifully. An old, old cat coming to the end
of a long and fruitful life, and not without his/her wisdom. There's a quiet, almost sad acquiescence
coming through.
As for the title you could make a play on words with "Sundown", hinting at the lowering sun as the earth tilts,
and the dying cat. IE "man down", referencing a soldier down through injury or worse, and the end of the day.
Or choose an appropriate month. EG August "The Last Sun of August". That would bring you to the cusp of autumn.
Whatever you decide, I enjoyed this delightful little tribute. It said a great deal with a few words. Very good.
Best
JJ
of a long and fruitful life, and not without his/her wisdom. There's a quiet, almost sad acquiescence
coming through.
As for the title you could make a play on words with "Sundown", hinting at the lowering sun as the earth tilts,
and the dying cat. IE "man down", referencing a soldier down through injury or worse, and the end of the day.
Or choose an appropriate month. EG August "The Last Sun of August". That would bring you to the cusp of autumn.
Whatever you decide, I enjoyed this delightful little tribute. It said a great deal with a few words. Very good.
Best
JJ
Joggiesnr wrote:The last sun
It’s getting harder to find now.
Rises late, sets early, ...Maybe a semicolon or full stop if you're going to use 'block'.
the houses across the road
blocking its lowering light.
Still, I have my patch
to enjoy the last summer
of my ninth life.
Long time a child and still a child
Thanks for the read JJ. I'll think on about the title,
Steve
Steve
JJWilliamson wrote:The last line makes the poem, Steve, tying everything together beautifully. An old, old cat coming to the end
of a long and fruitful life, and not without his/her wisdom. There's a quiet, almost sad acquiescence
coming through.
As for the title you could make a play on words with "Sundown", hinting at the lowering sun as the earth tilts,
and the dying cat. IE "man down", referencing a soldier down through injury or worse, and the end of the day.
Or choose an appropriate month. EG August "The Last Sun of August". That would bring you to the cusp of autumn.
Whatever you decide, I enjoyed this delightful little tribute. It said a great deal with a few words. Very good.
Best
JJ
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NotQuiteSure
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Steve,
why 'as', L2. Doesn't seem necessary.
Still trying to work out how N knows it's their 'last summer', but that's just me.
The opening line gets better with each (re)read.
Regards, Not.
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Steve,
why 'as', L2. Doesn't seem necessary.
Still trying to work out how N knows it's their 'last summer', but that's just me.
The opening line gets better with each (re)read.
Regards, Not.
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David Smedley
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- Posts: 643
- Joined: Tue Dec 11, 2012 5:16 pm
Enjoyed this, I could apply it to myself.The last sun (V2)
It’s getting harder to find now.
Rises late, sets early, as
the houses across the road
block its lowering light.
Still, I have my patch
to enjoy this,
the last summer
of my ninth life.
The whole of this line could go for me; so could,It’s getting harder to find now.
as the
It's a cat thing. Every cat we've had has always known when their time was coming.
Steve
Steve
NotQuiteSure wrote:
Still trying to work out how N knows it's their 'last summer', but that's just me.
The opening line gets better with each (re)read.
Thanks for the crit.
I'll respectfully disagree about the first line. That is part of the point. In June the sun blazed over the whole area so Litany could sleep anywhere in the sun. As the sun lowered in the sky then there became patches of sun that she had to move to find and then move again as it was shadowed.
Your other point I'll think on as I'm not fully happy with that segment.
I'll respectfully disagree about the first line. That is part of the point. In June the sun blazed over the whole area so Litany could sleep anywhere in the sun. As the sun lowered in the sky then there became patches of sun that she had to move to find and then move again as it was shadowed.
Your other point I'll think on as I'm not fully happy with that segment.
David Smedley wrote:The last sun (V2)
Enjoyed this, I could apply it to myself.
The whole of this line could go for me; so could,It’s getting harder to find now.as the