Old Clocks

[Jester]

Some are broken, some intact.
Showing signs of wear and tear
they act as if they never felt the knocks.
Old Clocks face an undetermined future
as their tempered springs succumb
to wind fatigue.

In a different league,
their silicon replacements
are the stars that light the show.
Their silent movements whisper,
"Your time is up. It's time to go."

[byneothr]

I like this poem. I don't want to get too technical, it's a poem after all not science, but the Old Clocks' future(s) is/are determined, which is the point of this piece, not as the poem states undetermined. I had more to say, however, I feel the stars whispering to me as I write this. They're in agreement that it''s time for me to go. Cute poem, made me laugh.

[elotrooso]

Hi, Jester.

S1L2 seems like you could do without it. If you make "the knocks" "their knocks", you have all the old clocks having some wear and tear without having to say it more explicitly. However, it does seem odd to me to say of broken clocks that they act as those had never felt any knocks. If they had never felt any knocks, would the clocks not be functional?

I see Byn's point about determined/undetermined. At the same time I guess it's true to say that exactly when the springs will fail is undetermined.

Might 'as" be replaced by a semi-colon after "future"?

'Wind fatigue'" threw me for a second (wind vs winding), then made me smirk.

S2L1 I'm not fond of, but losing it loses you the rhyme as well.

"silent movements" I liked for its obvious contrast between old and new.

The last line suggests the person being whispered to is more old clock than new.

Fun piece. Enjoyed it.

[Jester]

Thank you for your replies guys.
Byneothr - I see your point of logic here. Ultimately the old will be replaced by the new.....but their remaining time is still undetermined.
Elotrooso - You're bang theoryon the money with the old clock being whispered to. Whilst I can see that the wear and tear line seems superfluous, the intention is to try to get the reader to empathise, besides keeping the flow of the words. I'm afraid I can't agree with the seemingly unstoppable trend to reduce each poem to its bare bones. To me, there is music in the flow of the words. Obviously there are extremes in both directions and this boils down to personal taste. This probably explains why I wouldn't take up your other suggestions.
I'm hoping that the silicon reference might point towards the (human) replacements being more tech-savvy.

Thank you both for your thoughts. They're very much appreciated.
Mick.

[1lankest]

Hi jester,

I wrote a poem by the same title a while back - yours is better. I like it as a metaphor for ageing humans, responding to decrepitude in different ways.


Some are broken, some intact........others intact, followed by a comma?
Showing signs of wear and tear,.........this line should run on from the last IMO.
they act as if they never felt the knocks.........like this.
Old Clocks face an undetermined future.......perhaps don't use old clocks here, as it's the title.
as their tempered springs succumb....great
to wind fatigue.......don't get this.

In a different league,
Their silicon replacements.....why capital T?
are the stars that light the show.......that steal the show, perhaps?
Their silent movements whisper,
"Your time is up. It's time to go.".......nice ending.

Cheers,

Luke

[Macavity]

Neat poem Jester, though I did wonder how they can act if they are broken? I liked the ending too.

all the best

mac

[Jester]

Thanks Luke. I've changed the grammar where you rightly pointed out mistakes. I can't go with changing the other words or phrases because it would interfere with internal rhymes and the intended meter. "the stars that light the show" was intended to hint at illumination for both time displays on screens (from silicon source) and human intelligence inherent in the quick-witted youngsters. Oh, "wind fatigue" is pronounced with a long "I" as in the winding of a clock spring.
Thanks again. Mick.

Thanks Mac. Good to see you're still on here. I think clocks (and humans) can still work when broken.....just not efficiently. A mantle clock we had when I was a child was set to the news on the radio every day because it had become so erratic. My mum used to say "It runs on muffins and stops at every currant!"
Glad you enjoyed it.
Mick.

[David]

Hello! Is this the Mick / Jester that was here what seems like several years ago now? Certainly seems to be. Good to see you back, Mick, and this is a nice little poem to come back with. A neat conceit. I enjoyed it.

Cheers

David

[Jester]

Thank you David. Yes....it has been a long time. I've been a bit up and down. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder earlier this year and on mood stabilisers now. I wrote a sonnet (some things never change) about the GP's inability to spot my symptoms. Quite frightening but hopefully made for a humourous write. I'll put it up soon. Looks like Geoff's gone AWOL. Any news?

[Namyh]

jester - It seems everything built is made to go obsolete when some new replacement comes along. That includes governments and cars, people and even clocks. Makes you think. Thanks for sharing jester. Namyh

[Macavity]

Looks like Geoff's gone AWOL. Any news?

I believe the mods sent a mail, but no reply. Welcome back!

cheers

mac