Spin Off #2 (V2b)

New to poetry? Unsure about the quality of your work? Then why not post here to receive some gentle feedback.
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NotQuiteSure
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Thu Mar 04, 2021 2:09 pm

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v2b
The Bogle Under the Bed.


It's hard being a Bogle
who lives under a bed
when those above have 'accidents'
that drip onto your head.

Or when, without a warning
your roof’s a trampoline,
or the cosy dark is ruined
by a ghastly night-light gleam.

Or when their howly-growly thing
nudges your rear end
like that grubby family animal
who wants to be your ‘friend’.


*

Of course it wasn’t like this
in the yore of yesterdays,
we Bogles were a country folk
with country Bogle ways

who bogled in the meadows
in the dingles and the dells.
We bogled in the witchy woods
the Fenlands and the Fells.

Each village had its Bogle
(your town it might have two)
always getting up to what
it was a Bogle got up to.

Pour a pint into a farmer
you get tales by the quart,
how a Bogle causes trouble,
making mischief, making sport.

They were telling Bogle stories
before Roly lost his ball,
saying Bogles aren’t a friend to crows,
they’re shabby and they’re small,

they never work on Tuesdays,
their tongues are black and blue,
but if you know your Bogles
you know none of that is true.

No Bogle goes a haunting
(though some might scare the wains).
Why would a Bogle spill the milk
or block up all the drains?

Yet those above believe this.
Keeps them happy. Just as well.
For what it is a Bogle does
a Bogle does not tell.

*

Now Bogles live a city life
its urban ways we keep.
But how can a Bogle bogle
when they can’t get any sleep?



____________________________




The Bogle Under the Bed


It's hard being a Bogle
who lives under the bed
when those above have 'accidents'
that drip onto your head

or when, without a warning
your roof’s a trampoline
or the cosy dark is spoiled
by a night-light's ghastly gleam.

And if it isn’t that, it’s this
machine of growling wind
or a grubby family animal
that wants to be your ‘friend’.

And then there are the smells,
the kind that make your eyeballs weep.
How’s a Bogle meant to bogle
if they can’t get any sleep?



.
Last edited by NotQuiteSure on Fri Apr 02, 2021 4:04 pm, edited 17 times in total.
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Firebird
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Thu Mar 04, 2021 6:14 pm

I like it Not. I like the Bogle. Did you make it up? Great name and think after a little work this will make an excellent Children’s poem. Some specific comments below.
NotQuiteSure wrote:
Thu Mar 04, 2021 2:09 pm
.
The Bogle Under the Bed


It's hard being a Bogle
who lives under the bed
when those above have 'accidents'
that drip onto your head (Made me laugh. Great first stanza)

or when, without a warning
your roof’s a trampoline
or the cosy dark is spoiled
by a night-light's ghastly gleam. (This line sounds a bit slow to me. All those consonant clusters.)

And if it isn’t that, it’s this (weak line. Says very little. Seems like padding to make the poem sound cohesive)
machine of growling wind
or a grubby family animal
that wants to be your ‘friend’. (Don't think this stanza is as good as the previous two)

And then there are the smells,
the kind that make your eyeballs weep. (the kind that make you weep?)
How’s a Bogle meant to bogle
if they can’t get any sleep? (If they miss their sleep?)



.
You’re not going to believe this, but I’d like to know more about the bogle - maybe a few more verses?

Hope this helps.

Cheers,

Tristan
Macavity
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Thu Mar 04, 2021 6:26 pm

I thought it was fun too Not. I think Tristan has made all the relevant suggestions.

all the best

mac
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Fri Mar 05, 2021 4:11 am

NotQuiteSure wrote:
Thu Mar 04, 2021 2:09 pm
.
The Bogle Under the Bed


It's hard being a Bogle
who lives under the bed
when those above have 'accidents'
that drip onto your head (Cool start, love this stanza, I think it works well here.)

or when, without a warning
your roof’s a trampoline
or the cosy dark is spoiled
by a night-light's ghastly gleam. (I like the rhyming here and night-light's ghastly gleam.)

And if it isn’t that, it’s this
machine of growling wind
or a grubby family animal
that wants to be your ‘friend’.

And then there are the smells,
the kind that make your eyeballs weep.
How’s a Bogle meant to bogle
if they can’t get any sleep?



.
What a concept! I like this Bogle, but you never mentioned what this bogle looks like.

Thanks for sharing!
NotQuiteSure
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Fri Mar 05, 2021 1:00 pm

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Hi Tristan,
thanks for the read.
Bogles are ‘real’ (Scottish and North of England folklore, mainly, though rather unspecified) - a Bogle under the bed is my idea (as far as I know), spun off from the Purloined Pastry poem.
I was taken by this, from wiki: They are reputed to live for the simple purpose of perplexing mankind, rather than seriously harming or serving them.

(Made me laugh. Great first stanza)
always a promising reaction.

(by the ghastly night-light gleam?)

could go either way. Is it a matter of personal preference or is there something I’m not hearing?

(Don't think this stanza is as good as the previous two)
Fair enough, and in light of your (utterly out of character)
You’re not going to believe this, but I’d like to know more about the bogle
I may just cut this, and start on those ‘few more verses’. Thanks for the push, I was wondering whether it would be kinder to put this one out of my misery, but I’ll see where the bogle takes me first.


Hi mac,
I think Tristan has made all the relevant suggestions.
Me too. :)

Hi Poet,
glad you enjoyed it.
but you never mentioned what this bogle looks like
It’s the Bogle talking, and he/she already knows what they look like. But I’ll see what I can do :)

Thanks all,

regards, Not.


.
NotQuiteSure
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Sat Mar 06, 2021 12:00 pm

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OK Tristan,
here's a 'few more verses'. :)

Regards, Not

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Firebird
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Sat Mar 06, 2021 2:11 pm

Hi Not,

I like parts of the development. One thing I’m not keen on is the centering of the poem. It kind of stops me fully picking up those easy rhythms in that first stanza. Some specific comments below.

NotQuiteSure wrote:
Thu Mar 04, 2021 2:09 pm
.
v2
The Bogle Under the Bed.


It's hard. Being a Bogle (don’t like the full stop after ‘hard’)
who lives under a bed
when those above have 'accidents'
that drip onto your head.

Or when, without a warning
your roof’s a trampoline,
or the cosy dark is ruined
by a night-light's ghastly gleam.

*

Of course it wasn’t like this
in the yore of yesterdays, (could shorten this transition or somehow make it more colourful?)
we Bogle were a country folk
with country Bogle ways

who bogled in the meadows
in the dingles and the dells.
We bogled in the witchy woods
the Fenlands and the Fells. (Lovely stanza)

Each village had its Bogle,
your town it might have two
always getting up to what
it was that Bogles got up to. (These two final lines sound clunky, and I’m not sure they make clear sense)

Pour a pint into a farmer
and you’ll hear a quart of tales; (this moves away from the Bogles. I’m not keen on it. )
how a Bogle causes trouble,
all their terrible travails. (Not keen on ‘travails’. It seems to break with the simple flowing language of the piece. I think this stanza needs work.)

They were telling Bogle stories
before Roly lost his ball,
saying Bogles aren’t a friend to crows,
they’re shabby and they’re small,

they never work on Tuesdays,
their tongues are black and blue,
but if you know your Bogles
you know none of that is true. (Not keen on these two stanzas. Although I recognise others may like them. There just a bit flat to me)

No Bogle goes a haunting
(one might have scared some wains).
Why would a Bogle spill the milk
or block up all the drains?

Yet those above believe this.
Keeps them happy. Just as well.
For what it is a Bogle does
a Bogle does not tell. (Nice couplet)

*

Now Bogles live a city life
its urban ways we keep.
But how can a Bogle bogle
if they can’t get any sleep?
(maybe ‘when’ instead of ‘if’ here?)

.
Hope this helps.

Cheers,

Tristan
NotQuiteSure
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Sat Mar 06, 2021 2:57 pm

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Hi Tristan,
thanks for the read and suggestions. And to show my appreciation, we’re back to Left Align. :)

(don’t like the full stop after ‘hard’)
How else to ensure a pause? Hyphen?

(could shorten this transition or somehow make it more colourful?)
Can’t shorten it, I don’t think. How’s this for colourful?

Were time to wander
widdershins, into yesterdays
when Bogles were a country folk
with country Bogle ways

you’d find us in the meadows
...


(this moves away from the Bogles. I’m not keen on it. )
The piece has to go somewhere, and this seemed the easiest way to show how successful Bogles had been at ‘perplexing mankind’.

(These two final lines sound clunky, and I’m not sure they make clear sense)
They’re just saying that Bogles were going about their business, and it’s setting up the penultimate stanza. (Or not :) )

(Not keen on ‘travails’. It seems to break with the simple flowing language of the piece. I think this stanza needs work.)
How about

Pour a pint into a farmer
you get tales by the quart
how it’s Bogles cause them trouble
making mischief, making sport

There just a bit flat to me)
Because of the examples, or the basic idea?

(maybe ‘when’ instead of ‘if’ here?)
I found ‘if’ easier to say aloud, but could be persuaded otherwise.


Regards, Not

.
Macavity
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Sat Mar 06, 2021 5:01 pm

or a grubby family animal
that wants to be your ‘friend’.
I rather miss those lines Not.
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Firebird
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Sat Mar 06, 2021 6:50 pm

And to show my appreciation, we’re back to Left Align. :)

Glad to see it. :D

How else to ensure a pause? Hyphen?

I don’t think you need a pause.


Were time to wander
widdershins, into yesterdays
when Bogles were a country folk
with country Bogle ways

you’d find us in the meadows
...


I prefer the original. ‘Widdershins’ is a new word for me.

How about

Pour a pint into a farmer
you get tales by the quart
how it’s Bogles cause them trouble
making mischief, making sport


I prefer this.

Because of the examples, or the basic idea? But as I said, other may disagree.

I think it’s the basic idea unfortunately. But as I said, this may just be me.

(maybe ‘when’ instead of ‘if’ here?)
I found ‘if’ easier to say aloud, but could be persuaded otherwise.

The longer sound of ‘when’ somehow improves the rhythm of the line IMO.

Cheers,

Tristan
NotQuiteSure
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Sun Mar 07, 2021 3:10 pm

Macavity wrote:
Sat Mar 06, 2021 5:01 pm
I rather miss those lines Not.
Don’t know how to rescue them mac, any ideas?

Hi Tristan,
thanks for returning,
edited as per (blue)
Firebird wrote:
Sat Mar 06, 2021 6:50 pm
I think it’s the basic idea unfortunately
Ah well, I’ll stick with it for now, I think. (Most of them are nods to Bogles in literature and folklore.)

Thanks both, Not.


.
Macavity
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Sun Mar 07, 2021 5:28 pm

It's hard being a Bogle
who lives under a bed
when those above have 'accidents'
that drip onto your head.

Or when, without a warning
your roof’s a trampoline,
or the cosy dark is ruined
by a ghastly night-light gleam

or a grubby family animal
wants to be your ‘friend’.
So how can a Bogle bogle
when they can’t get any sleep?
I know you don't like repetitions Not., but perhaps allows a bridge - lying awake thinking of the past...

just a thought

mac
NotQuiteSure
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Mon Mar 08, 2021 12:27 pm

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Thanks mac,
something to ponder.

Regards, Not

.
NotQuiteSure
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Fri Apr 02, 2021 3:12 pm

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OK mac,
done pondering.
Had a go at reinstating the 'grubby family animal',
what d'ya think?

Regards, Not

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Macavity
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Mon Apr 05, 2021 3:32 am

:lol: apt :D
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