Poetry Forum

Much better title adds to the surreal. CB

B, I was reluctant to review this when I saw you were entering into a competition. If I am honest I would have to say, it doesn't read like a winner to me. I suppose it depends on the competition hosts but there is nothing that raises the poem to the sort of level usually expected in a competition. ...

Geoff, agree with the other comments but wonder if you could lose the s after untrod? Don't think it adds. C

Reminds me of "there were ten green bottles" and I thought this funny in a gentle sort of way. I liked both versions, but probably ending on line 8 works better. What are the girls coming to?

Fortunately, I already meet at least 3 people everyday, so it might be easier just to take my anodyne poetry elsewhere before I lose my sense of humour, which I think is the effect you have. I really do think you might be a bit of an idiot. Which is a shame as the writing is good. Maybe your ego sho...

No, you're not being deceptive Ros, any more than good poetry demands.

"translated from the original of the famous Finnish poet Herst Larnlaarger" -


It was this deception I was referring to

not the voice in the poem, which is part of the art of writing. And the poem is very good.

I am not sure what this about? But it reminded me of surreal art you can find in local Devon/Cornish art galleries. I will come back when I have reflected more. The images are very strong in this hence the feeling of visuals. This line didn't quite work for me - who in later life you came never like...

Ros - why do you have to mask your poems in deception?

C

"and since you are relatively new you seem to believe I am some misunderstood outsider trying to break through. Nothing could be further from the truth. I've been around for years" - er - haven't we all! Better not to tell me what I think - better to ask me. And you couldn't be more wrong....

I think it is the cat conversation - are you speaking in the first person - if yes what would you say to the cat? If it sounds "normal" although given the dire situation perhaps not but even so - he would say something to the cat - why - to calm his nerves - fear and the desperation for no...

This is a terrible footnote to Hitler's history. All those shatters windows and burning books. How do you write a poem about it? and a concise one. What a difficult task you set yourself D... Have you succeeded. I would have to say nearly. That first stanza is inspired. And the second, nearly but do...

Ray & Mr B thank you for the comments. I may need to go back to the original - Her death sent on ahead ------------------------------------------- These two lines are a sort of poetic tautology, if it was sent ahead arrived like a premonition ----------------------------------------- it was alre...

The reference I thought would fix the poem = and the books to the myth? In the myth it was the Almond Tree but will see what others think? Thanks Nash.

p.s. the revision has changed the poem slightly - the first part could be tied to the end but I may be changing too much?

. The branches of the tree bow under the burden of snow They do not break, as we break ~ ~ ~ They told him how nine times she came, to wait As women wait by the water to stare, as shingle might stare if it had eyes to see Transfixed to the event horizon this was not an ordinary death. Her grief sen...

D, the length of a poem never ever bothers me and glad you mentioned Homer, Byron, etc. You could have thrown in Milton, Shakespeare, Shelley, Wordsworth, and if you remind me of anyone (I think I mentioned this) it would be Joyce (well, a little) and glad you threw in TSE as you have touch of him t...

D, if nothing else I have instigated some comments and nice to see others appreciate your writing! CB

p.s. you are welcome .

Well, in this stanza death sees itself as being like the moon, which of course is a dead lump of rock - seeking mother earth is a reference to the moon was once a part of planet earth, and something sent a chunk of earth reeling off into space, and the fragments joined together to become the moon. I...

David - you do? Must be me then... C

D, sometimes you really frustrate me. You are a very good writer, but why you insist on trying to make a decent prose story into a verse form is beyond me! You don't need to. This is really good and I enjoyed it very much but found the versifying annoying. At least you have got rid of the poem withi...

Meesha, it's all in the mind! Or is all in the genes? Anyway, your comments made me laugh. Have revised slightly. Cliche - yes need to think about that. I am not opposed to them completely - I think the odd one does give the reader something to grasp onto; but in a short work it can stand out like a...

Then I'm doomed either way! CB