Poetry Forum

NQS, Thank you for this. The reverence and pain are compelling. The "she" and "her", however, seem to keep her at a distance—I wonder if you tried writing it in the 2nd person? In L7, why is N abandoned? In L13, “Our smallest servants too” takes on an awkward POV. It may be just ...

Firebird, I enjoyed your V1 a great deal because it’s so fun to read—the opening line, the concept, the rhythm, and the delightful language. They probably go over the top a bit. V2 comes in then like a drinking partner’s retort, lewd and plain, to bring you back to reality. The original V2 seems to ...

Hi Not, These feel like experiences or found poems, first hand, especially S1 of Part 2. IMO, S2 detracts because readers draw those conclusions while reading S1. To make Part 1 as pithy, would you consider losing that the table's set for them. ? The idea is repeated in the next line when they dig i...

I enjoyed this very much, Lotus; just the right amount of allure and mystery. i’ve been pondering your suggestion and am feeling that blanket perhaps suggests covered and carpeted perhaps offers a path to travel upon I agree that carpeted seems banal—the only words I can think of that might suit you...

New Snow A final look through the dark into our yard. Our backyard neighbor’s Christmas window lights up our redbud and smoke bush. From below. From water. From a pond. Opposite our front, two porch lights (nailed tight) down on the walk elongate then leap to the street. Next door, backlighting so e...

I should have been a little nicer to Jackie.

Not to worry, Perry. I wasn't that considerate to you—sorry I didn't explain myself.

I've had the experience of trying to punch and wheedle a short story into poetry format, and thought you might be weighing the two options yourself.

Jackie

This is an interesting read, Perry, and the ending works beautifully.

I'm afraid I don't understand, though, why you are calling it a poem rather than a short story.

Jackie

Hi Tony, I love meeting poets who write villanelles! I look forward to two really dynamite repeating lines that sound better each time, along with climbing suspense. If that's not a challenge to write, I don't know what is. Your spooky setting is perfect for suspense, but I would be more drawn to yo...

I've enjoyed reading this over and over, Suzanne, and find myself preferring parts of both versions. The power dynamic is fascinating. The title tells me that the power to initiate is in his hands, and it threatens, overwhelms you. Only he can need a fence—you seem to acknowledge that—yet he has no ...

The revision works much better for me than the original, Charles. The photos are coming alive. I especially like the line proofs that life has carried you away from me , I think because it’s unexpected. Perhaps you could do with more unexpected language here—I must have said “an age ago” hundreds of...

Jules, I take “third personning” to be the way one self-presents to a stranger. The Ns say that they pay attention not to how they look, but to what they do and say. I like the parallelism between S4 and 6. The last line confuses me. I like that it is in the present perfect, implying that the situat...

Hi Ross,

I’m enjoying the succinctness of this (I usually wander during dream descriptions).

Maybe you’d consider these three things: a) moving the first line to the end of the poem, b) removing the comma from the ellipsis, and c) doing away with “the scene” in line 7.

Just thoughts.

Jackie

Perry, thank you for explaining your intentions in writing the poem.

I do see wanting to change people's opinions about the social problems you describe, and I agree that satire is a good way to do it.

Jackie

Perry, I have to admit that I had to block out the girl/boy thing to read this—having been fully wise and worldly when I married at 22! :D I especially recoiled at the use of “pull” in lines 10 & 13. I get that “woman” and “man” could weigh a poem down, but surely there are alternatives? I hope ...

Thanks, Tristan. True, I haven't thunk this through yet.

Ross, I think I'll make your last sentence my mantra for a while.

Much appreciated.

Jackie

I miss Ros and Ian and Seth, too.

Seth, that was an informative letter—thanks.

Jackie

Hi Ross, I enjoyed wiggling my toes in this cooling water. I also enjoyed what I saw as the way you tied the poem together with metric patterns: Using u u / u to open the poem, open S2, and end the poem Using / u / throughout lines 2-5 and returning to it in line 10 Using / u / u / u / in lines 7-9,...

Jules, David, Ross and Tony—I appreciate so much your coming back and studying this so carefully! I plan to use all your suggestions as I keep working on it.

And thanks for the reference to Keith Douglas. I do like his voice and just bought one of his collections.

Jackie

Congratulations, Tristan.

Jackie

David and Jules, thank you so much for your comments. I wasn't happy with "Cast all about each trader" either, David, but couldn't come up with an alternative. Jules, your thought processes as you tried to work through what i was talking about helped a lot. I have posted a revision above. ...

Fun conversational style here, David. I have Perry's uncertainty about S3, added to the scissors-like movement of N passing her and then her passing N in S4. The "kindly" especially needles me; I can't see calling myself kindly. Couldn't this all be cleared up by putting the photographer o...

I love the concise clarity here, Summer. In the way I interpret it, I would prefer S3 to begin with “But”—does that work for you? The last line clinches, but it’s a mouthful. You could save one syllable by using “However well” instead. I keep rereading this to color in an imaginary context for it. J...

SL, I played with the idea that the first 8 words could have ended the poem instead of begun it, but it’s not really necessary. The rhythm of the poem starts building a series at the end with the two parallel pieces of evidence, and then leaves an ellipsis for the reader to fill. I fill it with thos...

Mac and Perry, thank you for your impressions of the poem. Now that I've had a few weeks away from it, I can see your point.

Back to the drawing board.

Jackie

This places the soles of our feet on the beach, Seth. It gets even better the more I walk through it. I agree with Mac that "proud usurping Monarchs" might be overdoing it a bit. I'm not sure the title does the poem justice. I do like the volta at v. 4, but are you sure we humans are not s...