Poetry Forum

ray miller wrote: ↑

Tue Nov 01, 2022 12:36 pm

Well done, Eira. I remember that poem.

Thanks Ray - I'm surprised you remember it as it was workshopped years ago

CalebPerry wrote: ↑

Tue Nov 01, 2022 5:31 am

What a lovely, lovely poem that is. Sad ending. Congratulations, Eira.

Thank you, Caleb. So glad you enjoyed this one (about my mother)

Macavity wrote: ↑

Tue Nov 01, 2022 4:30 am

Congratulations Eira

Thanks Phil

Well done both of you - 2 great poems.

Eira

Well done Caleb! Now keep sending them out.

Eira

Very good. My only quibble would be in how the story unfolds in a couple of places She beckons with a horny finger saying, enter … do not linger "She" appears without explanation, you could have "I'm beckoned with a horny finger,/ she says, enter... Again, I try to wrestle with the c...

haha very good, Eira. The one thing a person should never do is have a breakdown on Halloween! I love the spookiness of it - the bats, the rattle, the beckoning finger, the pot, the witch's footsteps and how she merges into the wall. That'll teach the narrator not to go for help in the woods! I act...

Something old and witchy while pumpkins flicker out there in the night. Very suitable for Halloween, Lia! Dark slides in across the water. A cobra, wide-necked and ready to spring forward on the throat of twilight. A great beginning - love 'the throat of twilight'- although I agree that cobra might...

That's very sad about Penshells, Eira. I didn't know. How strange it is that people are posting their poems and never responding. I think you're right that they're using it as a storage place. I posted a poem at PS a few years ago, as I'd heard they were trying to make a go of it again, but no one ...

Green Silk Journal have published 'Christmas Gifts' which was workshopped here a few years ago.

https://www.thegsj.com/poetry-4-fall-2022.html

I've just read your poems Fliss and thoroughly enjoyed the read Well done!

As to your video - wow! that was amazing - but I never knew that flatworms looked so attractive. (must have been thinking of tapeworms )

Eira

I've been away too long (a lot going on in my life) and I've just found this I started last year and never posted the last revision I wrote in December, so I'm posting it now. I'll get round to commenting on others soon. Halloween Breakdown (December Revision) My engine stalls as starless skies devo...

Great read,

Typo in L1? - should plaque be plague?

A brave division of disaster here

......... Yes, the real disast-
er is the broken, awful pauses we

Being not that brave, I'd have written

......... Yes, the real disaster
is the broken, awful pauses we


Eira

Nice one Ray,

Love 'bubbles of sound'

Also your great rhymes and part rhymes

station /impatience
sirens/silence
Centres,/ censure
cartons/ part on

Eira

A poignant recollection! A clever extended metaphor. It took me a second read to fully process the different dressings -- I got the salad part, but took me a moment -- returning from a successful interview basically and climbing out of my monkey suit, heh... then I got the dressings part. Glad you ...

ray miller wrote: ↑

Fri Oct 28, 2022 8:47 am

I think the boy concealed within a man is better. Worn threads doesn't seem fitting for one so young.

You're right about 'concealed', Ray and I've added that back. I also agree that 'worn threads' doesn't fit some one young - am thinking for an alternative on that one.

Thanks
Eira

I much prefer the original. In the revised version, it sounds like you are writing about yourself as if you were a boy/man. But in the original, that is all made clear (that you are writing about your son). If I were to write a poem starting "My boy", I would be speaking about my inner bo...

Hi Eira. I think the more concise it becomes the better it gets. I agree, Not and I have revised again using some of your suggestions to tighten up more. Line 1&2 create a scene of a hungry crane approaching the trees - then the 'aha' moment - he's not interested in the nests but the fish. Hope...

Hi Rich, Sorry to be so late answering (reason given above). Thank you for your comments I like the theme but this iteration raises quite a few questions. If he has a mask for each compartment, is he wearing one for you? If the boy is in the man, can we see the mask? Is the boy wearing a mask insid...

Hi Lia,

Thanks for calling by and offering your very astute suggestions. I am late answering as I've been concentrating on 'Triumphant' but I've had some time to concentrate on this now and will be working on it.

Eira

Off to Uni? I like the last stanza best. mask/masquerade is a bit too close, maybe "performance" instead of the latter? nursing growing pains. - that's the weakest line, perhaps you need some specific instance. Yes, off to Uni, Ray - although this was written about 20 years ago. Thought I...

A very nice revision, Eira. It captures the tone and tenor of the aesthetic. In the fourth stanza, would you consider breaking on 'lunge'? frenzied beaks lunge at his snaking neck until he surrenders. Done that - it's better breaking at lunge. I've also deleted 2 words which I hope has added to con...

Hi Eira, a step in the right direction, I think. But I wonder if you need the 'surrenders' element (given that's what the unfurling flags mean)? Hi Not, I decided to delete surrenders fish glide among lilies. crow nests rock in poplar arms: the crane is hungry I've also revised the beginning (tryin...

Greetings! I like the idea of haiku that could stand individually, but also make sense together. In addition to other pleasant effects, it has the feeling of a paneled story. But more than that, several haiku laid one after the next like this works well, since any object selected from nature for a ...

An interesting rhyme scheme, Ray, does this form have a name?

Enjoyed the read
Eira