Search found 2244 matches
- Tue Sep 26, 2017 11:57 am
- Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
- Topic: The Kitchen Window (revision 4)
- Replies: 19
- Views: 4176
Re: The Kitchen Window (revision 2)
Great crit, Not Thanks JJ. [tab][/tab]I see the hawthorn quiver to morning's flurry Not sure about either 'quiver' or 'flurry' I wonder if you could make something of; I see the hawthorn tremble/shiver [the cold is coming].... ? [tab][/tab]when the month makes orphans of summer’s show. Is it 'month...
- Mon Sep 25, 2017 5:22 pm
- Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
- Topic: The Kitchen Window (revision 4)
- Replies: 19
- Views: 4176
Re: Through the Kitchen Windows
[tab][/tab] Lots to enjoy here JJ, must be some view. I don't really like the S1, for some reason. Can't quite explain it (apologies), but it seems out of place. I know you want the colours to pair with S6 but it feels forced/overblown (orphans/harlequin/gilded). Maybe this is 'trying too hard'? I t...
- Mon Sep 25, 2017 5:17 pm
- Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
- Topic: Untitled
- Replies: 2
- Views: 1499
Re: Untitled
[tab][/tab] Hi anongirl Firstly, it does improve on the original, there is more focus, I think, just not quite enough for me. What I don't get, in either version, is an understanding of that "best friends" actually means to the narrator, and how the subsequent 'betrayals' relate to that. S...
- Sun Sep 24, 2017 1:10 pm
- Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
- Topic: Hurricane (formerly "When Irma Came Calling") - Rev. V
- Replies: 13
- Views: 3316
Re: When Irma Came Calling - Revision III
[tab][/tab] Good work Luce, 'clothes and flash lights' is a definite improvement (in that nicely domestic list you're making) Would suggest L.14 (L.18?) storm shutters creak and shudder (I think it sounds better) I think 'I' is used too often in 'Evacuation'. Is 'peppers' the right word? It doesn't ...
- Sat Sep 23, 2017 7:01 pm
- Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
- Topic: Tides
- Replies: 8
- Views: 2933
Re: Tides
[tab][/tab] I like the subject/approach Lou, the sense of exhaustion, but I stumble on some of the terms, for example 'sea-salt' (surely a solid? - though I suppose one could 'pack' a wound with sea-salt) and 'hurry' for a tide, 'balm' as a verb. I expected S2 to continue the liquid metaphor of tide...
- Sat Sep 23, 2017 7:00 pm
- Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
- Topic: Perhaps (was Room for a view (revision)
- Replies: 9
- Views: 2546
Re: Room for a view
[tab][/tab] Luke, enjoyed this, though to me it feels a bit too spare. I'd like a bit more detail about the room (which was an apartment) for instance. S2. Is the comma misplaced or is there something missing before 'symphonies'? Don't think having 'exacting centre' on a separate line works. S3. And...
- Thu Sep 21, 2017 1:34 pm
- Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
- Topic: Searching for Snowdrops (revision 2)
- Replies: 17
- Views: 3226
Re: Searching for Snowdrops (revision 2)
Are we destined for the ground to fossilize for future generations to find, whilst striving to make a name for ourselves, hoping to be placed in the heavens for all eternity Yes, I understand what (I think) you're trying to say (or indeed, saying). Down we go to fossilize and up goes our name for p...
- Wed Sep 20, 2017 2:53 pm
- Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
- Topic: Searching for Snowdrops (revision 2)
- Replies: 17
- Views: 3226
Re: Searching for Snowdrops (revision 2)
JJ S1 Having a little stumble over strata and stars (up/down), and 'grow old'. (Less a suggestion, more me trying to clarify my own thoughts; Are we latent fossils waiting our turn in stone imprints forming in tomorrow's strata and will we strive to find our fame there where those ageless romantics ...
- Wed Sep 20, 2017 12:16 pm
- Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
- Topic: Hurricane (formerly "When Irma Came Calling") - Rev. V
- Replies: 13
- Views: 3316
Re: When Irma Came Calling - Revision I
[tab][/tab]
Hi Luce,
apologies for not being clearer.
What I meant was;
as I pack the car
with my/our provisions I hear
cicadas screeching
Water and food being a repetition of S2, whereas 'provisions' is a slightly more open-ended term.
Regards, Not.
[tab][/tab]
Hi Luce,
apologies for not being clearer.
What I meant was;
as I pack the car
with my/our provisions I hear
cicadas screeching
Water and food being a repetition of S2, whereas 'provisions' is a slightly more open-ended term.
Regards, Not.
[tab][/tab]
- Tue Sep 19, 2017 6:41 pm
- Forum: Music and Song Lyric Discussion
- Topic: Ghostpoet
- Replies: 2
- Views: 3286
- Tue Sep 19, 2017 12:02 pm
- Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
- Topic: Impromptu Latrine (revision 2)
- Replies: 10
- Views: 2182
Re: Impromptu Latrine (Feeding Above Ground)
[tab][/tab]
Well, that works.
My only problem is with the title, I don't think you need the parenthetical extra,
it detracts from the humour.
Regards, Not
[tab][/tab]
Well, that works.
My only problem is with the title, I don't think you need the parenthetical extra,
it detracts from the humour.
Regards, Not
[tab][/tab]
- Sat Sep 16, 2017 12:06 pm
- Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
- Topic: Hurricane (formerly "When Irma Came Calling") - Rev. V
- Replies: 13
- Views: 3316
Re: When Irma Came Calling - Revision
[tab][/tab] Glad you made it Luce. Nice work with the revision, a good read. Two (very minor) suggestions. S1. amidst the sound of saws and hammers a child laughs (I think you get slightly better sonics this way round) S3 'my/our provisions' for 'food' and (the rather too frequent) 'water' Good endi...
- Fri Sep 15, 2017 12:43 pm
- Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
- Topic: Apricots, Alchi
- Replies: 4
- Views: 1447
Re: Apricots, Alchi
[tab][/tab] Luke, another interesting postcard from... First reaction is to wonder if it shouldn't be a bit more conversational. For instance; I know this is the same sky, [the same] stars that hang beyond the words ... L4-L7. I think this needs to be made a little clearer, perhaps add a second loca...
- Thu Sep 14, 2017 3:15 pm
- Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
- Topic: Rumbak
- Replies: 6
- Views: 2328
Re: Rumbak
[tab][/tab] I'm enjoying this series Luke. just a couple of suggestions; 'shows/signals' (or something a little softer) than 'alerts'. and (following 68degrees); who suddenly are not smiling and stand to'; the dzo-yak [motionless] at the cusp ... Could you simply delete 'that shroud them'? Regards, ...
- Thu Sep 14, 2017 2:03 pm
- Forum: Ezines, Magazines and Publications
- Topic: Three Drops From A Cauldron (1)
- Replies: 3
- Views: 2153
Re: Three Drops From A Cauldron (1)
[tab][/tab]
Congrats mac,
nice to see 'wooden hill' again, seems like forever. S3 is a creepy little gem.
Now, why is the saucepan red?
Regards, Not.
[tab][/tab]
Congrats mac,
nice to see 'wooden hill' again, seems like forever. S3 is a creepy little gem.
Now, why is the saucepan red?
Regards, Not.
[tab][/tab]
- Wed Sep 13, 2017 4:45 pm
- Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
- Topic: Astonishment
- Replies: 19
- Views: 4684
Re: Astonishment
[tab][/tab] Lou, a strong second stanza, not too sure about the first though. Opening line grabs, but then it's a bit 'telly' (when would pupils not be round?), plus 'astonished', echoing the title, doesn't add anything. Do you really lose anything by not having S1? A small suggestion, 'asking/quest...
- Tue Sep 12, 2017 2:09 pm
- Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
- Topic: Searching for Snowdrops (revision 2)
- Replies: 17
- Views: 3226
Re: Searching for Snowdrops (revised)
[tab][/tab] Afternoon, JJ I think S3-S6 work really well, the changes (particularly 'thrill' and 'roe deer) are real improvements. But as they have 'gone up', S1-S3 have (relative to S3-S6) gone down a bit, I think. It feels as if there's a 'jump' in the thought/s between L2 and L3-4. The 'and will'...
- Sun Sep 10, 2017 2:43 pm
- Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
- Topic: Searching for Snowdrops (revision 2)
- Replies: 17
- Views: 3226
Re: Searching for Snowdrops
tighter blank verse Obviously it's a personal preference, but I rather prefer the 'loose' style, it seem be more conversational/confessional and better suited tonally. different kinds of strata " true, but fossils implied 'rock' (or at least they did for me). And 'strata that burrows in to' ca...
- Sat Sep 09, 2017 1:11 pm
- Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
- Topic: Searching for Snowdrops (revision 2)
- Replies: 17
- Views: 3226
Re: Searching for Snowdrops
[tab][/tab] Poignant, dignified, a touch of humour, I enjoyed this JJ. L2. do you need 'the'? (or indeed 'rock'?) L3. 'as' for 'and will'? L4. 'romantic gazers', I like the sentiment but the construction is a tad clunky. S2. got lost on 'quantum guarantee' S3. 'catastrophe' (?), spelling and meaning...
- Thu Sep 07, 2017 3:53 pm
- Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
- Topic: Transient
- Replies: 12
- Views: 4590
Re: Transient
[tab][/tab]
Thanks for the reply Moth, much appreciated.
I'll just be over here having a think.
Regards, Not.
[tab][/tab]
Thanks for the reply Moth, much appreciated.
I'll just be over here having a think.
Regards, Not.
[tab][/tab]
- Thu Sep 07, 2017 1:55 pm
- Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
- Topic: Transient
- Replies: 12
- Views: 4590
Re: Transient
[tab][/tab]
Thanks Moth,
any light you could shed on 'enigma' would be appreciated,
I'm not really sure what you mean here.
Regards, Not.
[tab][/tab]
Thanks Moth,
any light you could shed on 'enigma' would be appreciated,
I'm not really sure what you mean here.
Regards, Not.
[tab][/tab]
- Mon Sep 04, 2017 2:16 pm
- Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
- Topic: The last sun - Revised
- Replies: 9
- Views: 2668
Re: The last sun - Revised
[tab][/tab]
Steve,
why 'as', L2. Doesn't seem necessary.
Still trying to work out how N knows it's their 'last summer', but that's just me.
The opening line gets better with each (re)read.
Regards, Not.
[tab][/tab]
Steve,
why 'as', L2. Doesn't seem necessary.
Still trying to work out how N knows it's their 'last summer', but that's just me.
The opening line gets better with each (re)read.
Regards, Not.
[tab][/tab]
- Sun Sep 03, 2017 1:54 pm
- Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
- Topic: Outbound
- Replies: 3
- Views: 1635
Re: Outbound
[tab][/tab]
Very clever, ton, made me laugh.
No crits just a thought;
have you experimented with layouts?
Maybe left align column one, right align column two.
Regards, Not.
[tab][/tab]
Very clever, ton, made me laugh.
No crits just a thought;
have you experimented with layouts?
Maybe left align column one, right align column two.
Regards, Not.
[tab][/tab]
- Sun Sep 03, 2017 1:54 pm
- Forum: Post-a-Poem (Experienced)
- Topic: Transient
- Replies: 12
- Views: 4590
Re: Transient
[tab][/tab]
Thanks ton
rather than enclosure, but maybe not.
Will ponder.
Thanks again.
Regards, Not.
[tab][/tab]
Thanks ton
good question, I'd hoped that the last line suggested continuationton321 wrote:serve as pillars
rather than enclosure, but maybe not.
Will ponder.
Thanks again.
Regards, Not.
[tab][/tab]
- Sun Sep 03, 2017 1:52 pm
- Forum: Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
- Topic: Navel Gazing
- Replies: 5
- Views: 1411
Re: Navel Gazing
[tab][/tab]
Thanks for returning mac,
Regards, Not.
[tab][/tab]
Thanks for returning mac,
I don't know. I'm trying to work out if it becomes implied.Macavity wrote:keep Navel Gazing
Regards, Not.
[tab][/tab]