Poetry Forum

Hi bjondon

I see this as a kind of found poem: by loosely pronouncing place names, you have woven them into a text. I think I need a few more readings to interpret the meaning of the text. "Little" seems to be a key word in the title.

Later,
Jackie

Hi Martin, I like the atmosphere you are building here, and I agree with Ray that I can hear the outside calling its shroud down is a wonderful line. I found you're message confusing—going from peace to autumn breezes bringing life, and then back to stillness and then unexpectedly in the end, melanc...

Hi Martin, Could this be a bit too brief? I see it saying that two naked people in proximity can produce the same result as a visit to an analyst. It's an interesting comment on a process, but a process getting from what problem to what result? I don't get a sense of place, or of what you felt like ...

Hi Liliaea, and welcome. Your poem reads aloud well, like a thoughtful statement. It seems to be in four verses, although they're not separated. Each verse names one of the four astrological elements. Does the line following each of these statements explain how that element affects humans? It's in t...

Darkness nudges the parking-lot light posts awake, and a wizened man limps out as if going home, dressed in half-clothes layered against the wind. His left knee knocks his coffle chain. Wonderously he finds shopping carts ensconced behind snow gusts. He aligns them, weaves his chain from aft clear t...

Jules, thanks so much for your very helpful comments. I don't usually go for prescribed forms but there's something very entrancing about a well-written triolet like Hardy's. I think it has to do with keeping it simple with every word on point. I'm not there yet! I didn't intend the cutlass to refer...

Many thanks to all of you. Jules, I do appreciate your trying to the point that

I'm running out of interps!

It might help to know that here, the flamboyant tree is also called the Baboon's Cutlass Tree because of its long seed pods.

Jackie

For all, Cutlass Tree flaunts, befriending— Let alone a perfect stranger. Her throbbing, limber limbs extending For all, Cutlass Tree flaunts, befriending. She rules the gate and, her red ascending, Claims all gates within our range here. For all, Cutlass Tree flaunts, befriending, Yet lets alone my...

This sounds like a politician I know, whose GOAT time, I hope, will soon end. I’m having trouble understanding the sequence, especially how this section fits: before putting his boots on to make a big splash, before the likes of Reversifying - writing his lines from the foot of a page and scrawling ...

Loved these, Stuart, every one of them.

I agree that the Abababab's third line could use a little doctoring.

I was a bit disappointed by the end of LaMaraco, I think because it was a jolt back to reality after four lines of wonderful gibberish.

Thanks for a good laugh.

Jackie

Geoff, The link made me think. You seem to be saying that as long as there are priests to consider them re-purposed, losses are not losses. Spears will become crutches; and fathers, their sons. But then there is will. Must a son wear his father’s guilt just so the blame survives? Must a ship renewed...

Hi Poet, "White girl" seems to be a category in the poem, rather than a single person. Is that what you intended? When you say "I’ve met you before" I take it that this rejection has happened with other white girls, and the narrator is asking this one to explain why. Perhaps &quo...

Poet, Very intriguing. Is there a reason you've written this in couplets? I'm having trouble following the logic. For example, you say "we dare not remember their names" but soon after say "their names are etched in stone"—so why worry about remembering them? You might want to tr...

Elphin, Thank you for this poem. I have enjoyed it over and over. It reminds me that I want to write. The commentary has been interesting. I wonder about the bruise. Do you want readers to understand it is personal so they won’t search around among the religious or political? Or do you plan to leave...

Geoff, so happy to see you here again! I've missed your jokes!

Jackie

David, I enjoyed the logical thread and accessible language in this very much. And how the line stuffed to the gunwales and bound for heaven seems to heave with the churches. And how landfalls, greetings, assurance slips all sound so down, somehow. How about changing willingly (referring to the bell...

Eira, I haven't tried it, but the situational irony in your topic seems perfect for this form. I think it's usual for a senryu to contain seventeen syllables, isn't it? Could you be going overboard with the conciseness? The last word to me constitutes a summary; how about "showing" instead...

Eira, I'm so glad you found something to enjoy in this.

David, I haven't had such a good laugh in a while.

I rather like "gleamed unctuous". You couldn't get "glaucous" in there as well, could you? I think I'd like that.

Point taken. Many thanks for your comments.

Jackie

Hi Riverrun, I'm not at all sure, but you seem to be lamenting that poetry no longer refers to concrete things (has a core structure) but gets lost in abstract gestures, actions and events with no horizon in sight. Is that completely wrong? I have a problem with "When I realized I was…" I ...

Thank you, Perry, I enjoyed reading your "The Salad Prayer." Unlike your salad event, though, mine was a drawn-out, downhill activity that was getting worse and worse. I think Mac's comment clinches it: "The form mirrors the breaking down of process." I was pleased that Joao call...

Half-way through, I knew. The recipe was wrong. The lovely matte crust in the baking pan ulcerated twice. And again. Unallowed bottom bits rose into view. Then here, there, innards took to perforating and gleamed unctuous in the yellow oven light. Unstoppable now, every pinch and teaspoon turned bub...

As in, you were startled to hear people who prattle sounding like your father, but surely when he said it, meaning prevailed? Perhaps "bear/deal with it."

Jackie

I very much enjoyed your word choices and the sounds and rhythm in this poem, Leaf—such as "birdsong, dog bark." "Bluing" surprised me because I know it as a powder—a laundry product; but to come upon "greening" so quickly sets it in context. Thanks for this lovely poem...

Hi Harbal, I enjoyed reading through this witch-in-the-woods story. You build suspense well as far as describing what you went through trying to reach your goal, or N's goal I should say. I think you could improve that tension with motive: by hinting early on at what is driving you to find the secre...

Tristan, I have a poem underway that I keep backing off of because it turns didactic on me, so I find this especially intriguing. Didacticism changes a poem's genre, doesn't it? It takes on a role. Do you have a wish for how this poem could be used? Are you looking for feedback not only on the poeti...