Poetry Forum

Hi,David Although I like the original,I have to say this new version gels perfectly with the title. I can just imagine it being read by the apologetic Mr Ronnie Corbett, with a huge pause after "Arthur", Or maybe Jon Pertwee (Worzel Gummidge) wearing his contrary head :) I'm not keen on &q...

Hi,RC I'm assuming this is a song lyric? I enjoyed the dream-like flow. One or two lines seemed a bit long, e.g "eros held us next to the kitchen bathtub." but I expect it will sound fine when sung. The only suggestion I can make is change "assault" to "stormed" in L1? ...

Hello,NQS An interesting poem,deftly put together. Great title,btw! In S1 I particular like the double use of "whites" as dress/people. Maybe "adequate" instead of "fine" for the sonics in L3? L8 - the "heretics on a rack" - would be better if it was "tor...

. When Happy He Would Drool The softest black and warm, by age unsighted and unsteady mind still wandering returned to me one morning, early in a bin-bag. Saturday brought the end of him a biker in his leathers monotone apologies leaving much as a cat might, this little death at my door. . Hello,NQ...

I think it's probably quite difficult to write an emotive poem like this - but it helps if the poet can provide suitable levels of vindictiveness,narcissism,anger and a a dash of misogyny. If he manages to throw in some impenetrably poor grammar - to accentuate the anger,of course - why,then I'm con...

Hello,Jules Another "cool" poem - much entertained by it! 8) I can imagine Joni Mitchell in the background with her moog and the Burundi drummers,doing the backing for JUNGLE VINE. Perhaps find an alternative for "the beat begins", as you've got the "beguine" gag to fol...

Hello,Ray

I prefer V2 but - since I don't understand either version - that's probably neither here nor there.

The last line seems to imply some sort of "tit-for-tat" action(s) taking place,but then that doesn't gel with "blank page",to me.

Cheers
Geoff

Thumbed thin from years of use, frayed at the edges, held together by sellotape, your spiral metal spine has slipped its discs, and become unstuck. Dark coffee stains are unmapped seas that cover whole neigbourhood's unaware, like that flooded village beneath a dam whose streets lie underwater. I h...

Hello,Perry Like JJ, I very much like the last verse. However,you are doing the very thing that your poem's opening lines are complaining about. :) The sun has been written about too much by earnest poets I think that if you could gently mock everyone who wants the sun for themselves,then the gentle...

Hello again,Luke It's a shame to lose these lines (much as I like Ray's edit) (of the silent wing) - beat of tide, receding, drawn into distant parabolas of flight, into the salt black: Could something like this work? I toe the sand. Inhale: the beat of tide, receding, drawn into distant parabolas o...

David wrote: ↑

Thu Jul 18, 2019 6:06 pm

Oh Not, I don't think I want baskets. But thanks for the thought.

David,
Where do all burglars keep their swag? Yes indeed -
http://www.gardening-for-wildlife.com/pollen-sacs.html

Geoff

David wrote: ↑

Wed Jul 17, 2019 6:49 pm

Mac, thanks. You are not the first to object to the title. It has been much derided elsewhere. On the other hand, Geoff and M. Barrett like it, so ...

David,
Ignore the naysayers, just watch at about 2m 8 secs



Geoff

. Hi Geoff, think I may have found an etymological justification for 'boy' "Used slightingly of young men in Middle English, also in familiar or contemptuous use of criminal toughs or men in the armed services." Though it may be stretching things some :) . I'm not at all surprised,NQS - i...

Thanks,JJ and Ray,for taking a look. This poem started out as a fun piece of what-iffery but it has disappeared up its own posterior:the logic is dodgy and the narrative is unclear. As I explained to NQS in a pm: I'm now trying to link proto-speech,which is a new but necessary addition ................

Hello,Leaf As has been said already,it's a touching poem. I'm not keen on the article-less construct here: "with sturdy trunk, while leafy reach created shade for bead-eyed mouse." -to me these lines are a bit "Beatrix Potter" in light of the subject matter. If you can "prog...

Thank you, Geoff. First of all, "colleague" is a much better word, and I probably would have come to it on my own, though it might have taken me a while. "Co-worker" was stuck in my mind because it's the term used in business, and I used to be in business. Thanks. I don't know w...

Hello,Perry I think most people will readily understand your poem: most of us are familiar with OBE and NDE accounts. Just my opinion,but I think there is too much "explanation" because of your assumption that clarification is needed. I think that,with just the lines in bold (and changing ...

Hello,Luke I really enjoyed your poem. I especially like the geometry references and the way that you have tangentially (did you see what I did there?) inserted the earthbound poet into the bird's flight via the "caesura".mind you,I'd prefer it if that dusty old word could be replaced by s...

. Hi Geoff, thanks for returning and pleased that it's clearer. As to 'boy', I mainly wanted it for the comparison with 'Man' ... Still, any alternatives? Most of the ones I've looked at originate in the US, and I've no idea if they were used here during this period. The always popular N word would...

(My N is a policeman denying a veteran the opportunity to march because of his colour - hopefully this is a bit more apparent in the revision.) Regards, ¬. Yes,it's clearer in the revision,NQS. I'm still not convinced about the use of the word "boy" by a working-class Brit,at least not in...

Hello,NQS No suggestions as to the actual text. I may be reading this all wrong,but to make it ring true I have to imagine the Prez or whoever talking about all people of colour, not just Afro-Americans - as you well know,the USA didn't enter WW1 until 1917. I think it would be better to set it in t...

Hell,Ray You've packed a lot into 6 lines! In L1 - I suppose that,up close, the rectangular sections of a windmill sail look like doors. And/or you may be comparing the sounds produced? unfathomable tidal scrawls - methinks Mark Twain would approve of this line. L3 - I'm not quite getting it. L5 - I...

Just a thought,JJ

Instead of -
If love equated to distance

how about
If distance were no object to love ?

Regards
Geoff

Hello,Perry

I agree with David - the closing line is very good.
S3 is too restrained for me.

In S1,is "sterile" the right word? It's normally associated in men with a biological inability to produce sperm.

Cheers
Geoff

David, If you have written a better poem than this then I must have missed it! From perfect title through to perfect ending,and all in one sentence. It makes me feel bad to actually make a suggestion,but - just my opinion - "consented" implies that you asked,while "unlooked-for" ...