Poetry Forum

jisbell00 wrote: ↑

Thu Aug 03, 2023 4:55 pm

S 6-9 break in the middle, into two different short poems.

I did wonder when I saw the repetition of 'blue' (but just couldn't be sure.)

I appreciate the thought that you've put in!
You hooked me with the title.

Regards, Not

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Morpheus wrote: ↑

Thu Aug 03, 2023 4:14 pm

I'm merely prompting a teacher to explain with a hint of metaphysical irony.

Well, what seven to eleven year old doesn't love some non-scientific metaphysical irony? You might want to check their guidelines again?

My question still stands, where's the science here?

Regards, Not

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Hi John, The title lead, almost immediately, to a slight sense of disappointment, for me. Shanty conjures up certain things (rhythm most notably) and that eludes me here. (Oh, and it seemed to me there were only three of them! :) ) Hints of Walcott though, which is no bad thing. S1-2 Might you switc...

Hi Morph. Where's the science? And who is this written for? Not kids. If there's no gravity there's no mass, no mass no energy - a flat featureless universe. The opening suggests that gravity works because that's what Newton wrote. As a nonsense poem this might work, but that wasn't what the prompt ...

I feel like you've twisted me into burning the wife. I merely meant for her to die (to inject a bit of drama.) You, it seems, have chosen to kill her. Which might, narratively speaking, be a good decision. Those 'keys' are really quite dark now, it does read as if N had locked her in for some reaso...

Hi Morph. The revision highlights just how poor the line "She told me there’s an order to the hoard" is. It's weak in the previous version, and weaker in this. ? each day the choice I made was to ignore. Also, you're still bending the grammar to accommodate the rhyme with "Fire starts...

Hi Morph. Nothing like a bit of ambition! :) For me it falls at the final hurdle (well, couplet.) It's the She tells me ... line. I don't think it makes sense there, why would she tell you that now? And what does it doing overall? For me, not much. My first thought was you need a new line, but then ...

Hi John, for me there's a stress on GREET. Sit at tea is a phrase for me. live and learn :) Busy was a hasty edit; it now reads silent. M. needs to hear the doorbell chime because she is seven; hence also, almost time. I wonder, does it need to be the doorbell? Might she not be waiting for a clock o...

Hi John, enjoyed, though I thought the ending weak (largely due to not knowing who Annie was.) Title sent me to 'if life hands you lemons' - I've proverbs on the brain. to sit at tea ? A nagging doubt ................ seems off after 'who'll come out'. Is 'sit at tea' a phrase? for weather. It is al...

Hi Morph, better for the revision, but still room for improvement, I think. Any preferences? Whatever you pick stop capitalising Penguin, it's not their name. I don't think the ending's so strong that you couldn't move that couplet. And second, why not pick other birds with colours in the names, be ...

Hi Morph. I just think it's an ambiguity you can do without. https://penguins.org.au/discover/wildlife-conservation/nature-notes/little-penguins/ "Little penguins (sometimes called fairy penguins or Little Blue Penguins)" Of course if you didn't capitalise the p in penguin, it would be cle...

the species of penguin is the Little Penguin as capitalised in line one My bad. In my defence I hadn't heard the name before. Or you could call them Eudyptula Minor. They have rather attractive blue plumage. Wiki puts them in New Zealand, the ones in Australia are Eudyptula novaehollandiae (apparen...

Hi Morph. I think in the whimsical world of bird personification it is plausible to be sad if you're flightless. This sounds like an excuse. If you're a kid, and the first line is 'don't cry' I don't think 'whimsy' is going to come to mind. (Incidentally, the 'lesson' here seems to be, settle for se...

Hi Morph. Not sure you've got this one worked out yet. It seems to depend entirely on readers knowing Penguins are southern hemisphere birds, which, if you're targeting DB, might not be the case. I don't think you're offering that much of a contrast between the Penguins and the northern hemisphere b...

Congratulations John.

Regards, Not

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Hi ray. Like a lot of the revision, minor niggles only. Don't need a comma at the end of line one. Would the joke work as like a woman new to labour, ? Maybe cut election? Since his big party in January ? Re-reading it seems that the verses Fear and Disappointment could be switched round? Fear 100% ...

Hi David, I'm not sure the revision improves. The portrait of the turkey is excellent, the surrounding detail not so much. (Thanks for the introduction to 'Aunt Julia' by the way, reminded me of my grandfather.) The opening section suggests N used to pass the farm regularly - so the ending, the not ...

Hi ray. 5 year-olds and CBT I can't see working. I don't know enough about either to comment, but you're painting a delightfully juvenile picture (you know what I mean) of Tony, seems a shame not to develop that. Angela and Jacques could be interesting. Group therapy. For another poem, perhaps. I ju...

Hi ray, Would it work if, apart from the first section and the last stanza, T and G were presented as five year olds in the rest of the piece? Have Cherie offer some reassurance Everyone said this would happen. Even Cherie. And now I look foolish and no-one likes or respects me It’s always US, US, U...

. Hi David, a portrait of some kind? OF a farm animal. 'Yellow spiked waders' suggests, to me anyway, a rooster. But 'judge pronouncing death' leads me from iridescent wig to a black cap or cloth, so maybe not a rooster? But then 'prehistoric brain-stem' is very dinosaurian ... so a modern bird, and...

Hi Kris,
enjoyed the creepy mice. I only paused at 'as soft repose' - it seemed like a change in register (and I'm not sure the explanation is needed anyway.) There's also a Ronnie Barker/Four Candles echo, or is that just me?

Regards, Not

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Hi ray. Yes, and I did wonder whether those last 2 lines are necessary. I think they are, or some version of them is (both are funny, and both add to the picture) I just don't think they're the punchline. Just a thought ... Eight vodka bottles line her window ledge at various stages of emptiness. A ...

Hi ray.
Lot of fun.

She studies alone as/for each experiment .......... maybe?

The only weakness is, for me, that 'over the bed' is a funnier ending.
I know it would cost the immediate link to 'x green bottles' but might you start with the final couplet?


Regards, Not

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Hi John, liked the title (though it does send me towards Charon's obol) The poem itself seems a bit muddled, and overwritten in places. And the form seems to work against it. I also struggled to move from stanza one to stanza two. There's not much in the way of momentum. To this old house, the Moon ...

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Hi Tony,
intriguing.
I liked the 'crusty fruit' but was then thrown by the 'sea urchin'.
Perhaps 'you sea urchin of the earth'?
The ending might need a bit of work.

Regards, Not

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