Poetry Forum

I really like the way this reads. Engaging and understated. I liked it.

All my best,

Firebird

JJ, I love this parody. I like the fact that you have kept Blake's line structure of three-and-a-half spondaic feet, which gives them such force and keeps the reader constantly moving on.

Love it! I too like lager.

Firebird

JJ, many thanks for your very useful comments. I have tried to develop the second stanza in a more concrete way as you suggested. I feel though that the second line is now a little clichéd. Ros, I have also added to the final stanza and included some of your line suggestions, too. Many thanks to you...

David, I think the abruptness of the final line makes it sound a little humorous, but I also felt it was somehow sad, too: I did think the child was being mummified against his will (jutting lower lip). I agree about the word 'expressionlessness' being a bit of a tongue-twister. Maybe another word m...

JJ, this reads really well. However, I tend to agree about the words 'dene' and 'lumes' being a little obscure. I, too, love the last line. May I suggest though that the word 'pitch' is used instead of 'chip', to avoid the unfortunate pun.

Hope this help a little.

All my best,

Firebird

Ros, thank you for commenting. I may well go with your suggestions for the lines in 'Dust'. Peter, thank you, also, for commenting. I accept your viewpoint, even though it seems to be based on the type of poem you wanted to read. You wouldn't judge a free form poem based on the criteria set out for ...

Mac, many thanks for the very useful bits of advice. I agree that the first memory is a bit clichéd, so I have cut it. I have taken your advice about the second memory (it is now the first) and instead of 'different land' I have been specific and put 'Texan desert'. I also thought your suggestion ab...

Bodkin, many thanks for commenting. I agree the transformation from the first memory to the second is a little tenuous. I think it needs to be made clearer. I will try to do so. Your interpretation of the third memory was close to what I had in mind, but a hot sun must be hot enough to fix a gourds ...

K-j, first off, many thanks for commenting. I am in York where the weather is icy cold this morning. Beaching in Mexico sounds wonderful. I suppose the first one was meant to be about desperately trying to preserve a memory of a loved one who has passed away. Maybe it doesn't work - it is a bit clip...

Steamboat, this engaged me all the way through. I agree with a previous comment that 'tall pines/ that pierce the sky' is verging on cliche. Also, I'm not sure if 'glazed fields' really works' in line 10. Lines 11 and 12 rhymed, which I found distracting - this may just be me though. I loved lines 2...

Second Revision Afterlife I. Love She becomes a highland castle reconstructed in a Texan desert. II. Degrees He worries how his memory will treat her, believing that a dried out gourd is no better than a rotting one. III. Dust A building, too close to use a wrecking ball, is being deconstructed bit ...