Poetry Forum

Thanks for posting this, Tristan. Appreciate it. I'll certainly make the move to the other website to keep the connection going. I'm getting a lot out of PG.

Thanks very much, Cam and Nicki. I hope ye enjoyed yere work here and realise how much it did for everyone.

Take care of yereselves.

Trev

Hey Mac

Thanks for the compliment. Good to know the theme is working for you in general. Appreciate your feedback on this. Ha, that does sound a bit too John Wayne, now that you say it!

Thanks Not, I'll really have to look at this collection as a whole and see where it gets too samey, as opposed to having variety within the bounds of a theme. Nope, the daughter wasn't born in Spain, but is growing up there. For the purposes of the poem, it was handiest to refer to her as a native. ...

Native Tongue Carrer d’Orosi, Tarragona I speak to Spaniards who sand the ends of their words as if to fit them together. “Perdona,” I say, “no rápido para mi”, and as I speak, they wait, amused, my slow tongue like a morning wave looting their language at random. “Goggin, goggin, dahs, goh! Degud,...

Thanks very much for the feedback, Mac and Ray. Very helpful. I think this probably needs to be developed, as well as touching up what's here.

T

Few things fascinate a child more than brazen pretence, and when we disregard the truth, slurping absent tea or declaring a reddened thumb a nose, the laws they’ve learned have failed. Somehow, we’re preparing them to hone the art of mistrust, teaching them deceptive truths; or maybe jaded parents n...

Thanks, all, for the feedback. Great to get it.

Baited as in taunted, Not, yes. I suppose the antagonist is really myself, my ambitions and expectations for the day ahead. Who could stay mad at a wickle itty bitty child, eh?

Much appreciated, folks.

T

Hi Ray, I prefer "Submit" as a title, although I don't think the theme would have been clear to me (literary creativity?) without the previous title and your comment that it was meta. Lots of great stuff here, though it felt a bit samey at some point. Looking back through it, I'd suggest d...

By noon, the day has baited me with lines half-written, a floor de-crumbed, clothes unbuttoned, nappy fastened, pulled in several directions. A child has orphaned parts of me, killing to grow, till my will is spent. I’m losing my-self, be-coming some-one else, half-satisfied and half-asleep, leaving...

Hi Jackie, I wish I could offer a helpful critique, but I struggled to engage. I see others had a similar experience. Would it be worth giving some background on what you were aiming at for this poem, and maybe we could compare that with the poem as written? Might help to link things up unless you r...

A Jackie,

Thanks very much for giving your input and picking out specifics for me to consider.

All the best,

T

Yes, Not! That solves the press issue. Thanks for that. Regarding the deposit. I just wanted to get across the idea that the moving is now official, having paid the deposit on the new place, and hence action has to be taken, such as using up all the food left. Probably best leaving out the deposit a...

Hi Not,

No prob. I think the title is fine, and I do like what you have in the poem. Just a bit more detail to nudge the reader towards the theme you're getting at (or at least this reader - others might understand it more). I don't think you necessarily have to sacrifice the ambiguity.

T

Thanks very much, Not, Mac, Ray and Eira. Interesting that "press" threw so many people off. Maybe "cupboard" is a more universal term for where we keep food in the kitchen? Or any alternatives? I'll see if I can get across the difference between ser and estar without being too e...

Hey Not, Intriguing. I like the set-up of the "who blames..." motif, and the repetition works for me. I found the last few verses interesting but just a touch too far towards the obscure end of the spectrum. A little more to go on in order to figure it out would make it more enjoyable, I t...

Hi Eira, Some nice moments, but some parts felt overdone (a fault of my own at times). I found it was too focused on scene-setting, in a way that felt too monotonous. A much more interesting opening would be Listening to swallows trill in fresh grown reeds -- I rise. And I'd suggest more of the emot...

Hi Ray, Some nice stuff here, especially the first stanza and a half or so. I felt like the shift was so big in the last half of the second verse that it was like a separate poem. I thought a fairly straightforward poem about caterpillars (since you describe them so well, with good ideas) was enough...

Having found a home that fits his frilly criteria, even having paid a deposit, he consults his press, noting the level of his oregano jar to script his meals accordingly. With less space for books, he must decide whether he’ll ever actually read the conjugations of five hundred Spanish verbs. His di...

Hi Ray, I preferred the original title. It was a fantastic title, and the repetition of are gliders between the title and first line here doesn't sit well, I think. The grammar of the bracketed line feels a bit off, hence it was quite unclear to me, two. I'm guessing you mean that the shape of the t...

Thanks very much for yere time and input, Not, Mac and Ray. Seems to be a consensus: I need to focus on the last verse and build from there or make the others more like it.

Much obliged, folks.

T

She sniffs fabric for the faintly sour scent of sweat, determines the chosen and shrugs them off hangers, pressing under her arm a mass that twists and hardens to a lump like gathered dough. Powder seems to avalanche from cardboard box to drawer, and as the slow beast grunts into its labour, she ima...

Hi Ray, Interesting comparison/shift, though I found the shift too swift. It feels like there should be at least 2 verses on writing (and 3 would probably be better). I quite liked the tone, but felt it was let down by many of the last rhymes in each verse: "Thus I did obsess", "and m...

Hey Pauline,

Thanks very much for the feedback. Not miserable, just honest and helpful. I think it's already in the present tense, but I'll try a version in the first person, as you suggest. It might well give a better result.

Again, many thanks.

Trev

Thanks again, Not. And thanks for your input, Ray. The anger and dissatisfaction were those of the parents. Maybe I need to make that a bit clearer, along with the reasons for the anger and dissatisfaction, although I'd imagine a fair few parents would understand the dissatisfaction part :D All the ...

No problem, Jackie. Great photo.

T