Poetry Forum

Raisin, Your poem has promise, yet it remains somewhat vague beneath the veil of intricate imagery. I like the reference to "wings", he desire to fly (from reality?), but its not exactly clear to this reader the reference to an aircraft near the end of your piece. The visuals of crows, gee...

Gavin,

As Ros has mentioned, this is dangerous stuff! Maybe there's a typo in L1?

"Holding a six-pac of horse steroids (beer) motivational serum, a tropical ambulance"
- Engaging, but rather long.

Kevin, The problem with your poem lies in S3-4 which are sounding too prosaic and cliched. I'm sorry but I feel you have to re-work on this part. You may refer to Star-trek to make it sound more interesting. As is, its a bit flat. But I'm sure a re-work would help. Regarding the title, I think "...

Dear John,

Maybe Arunansu doesn't respond to what he doesn't want to read?

- Well, an innovative way of catching attention indeed.

Dear Richard,

I always believe that my own hide is thicker than an alligator!

Dear Kevin,

Thanks for being here and replying. Smiles.

Thank you Richard and John for your showing your interest in my poem. Dear Richard, As far as I know, though there may be various schools on Tanka, the first 3 lines are objective and the last two subjective ones. It is perhaps about a personal loss and the aftermath. The April is just the name of a...

Thanks Gavin. Thanks for the warmth. Smiles.

A much better revision, Richard. You have added clarity to your piece. However, I worry about L1. Could it be :

I bathe in a moment
of golden sunlight....
?

- I really like the opening. More power!

Thank you John. I feel Lake has already given you my reply. Smiles.

Lake,

I love this place. I was busy work-shopping haiku and tanka. So didn't quite find the time. I wrote some general verses also. Hope everyone is doing fine here.

Enjoyed your poem, Ray. Sometimes we do think "we've arrived" and then find "we haven't", don't we? Smiles.

Geoff,

I enjoyed the tale. I hope you won't mind if I say that the rhyme of "piratical" and "theatrical" sounds forced in my ears? The rest is .. scotch whiskey! Neat!

Richard, I feel your piece has promise, only, you need to do a bit of trimming as Suzanne has so nicely done for you. There can be another way of looking at it: my glass top table throws beams of reflected moonlight through my living room where it echoes of the wall, my 26 year old single malt scotc...

in the prayer hall
sandalwood incense
continues to burn
that slow April
and the rock wren's song

Kevin,
The ending left a lot to be desired. As David has said, you scripted two fine strophes S1 and S2. After them S3 comes as a bit of downer.Otherwise, a great write.

Enjoyed it Gavin. Particularly the second half.Love the descriptions.

she studies his back
so many of the bricks
withwering

Nice to hear this. I've been out of action from here. Wanna be back. Smiles.

Kevin,

Its a bit surprising to start a poem deliberately with cliches. I loved your overall approach, but sadly, I miss imagery. I'm not a 'police' or anything, but an admirer of your works.

Best,

Arunansu

Lovely read, Shi Tong. Your 4th? I'm craving to read your 40th! Smiles. Enjoyed.

I must say I like the idea behind the poem(and yes it IS a poem), Nicky, and the words repeated cleverly. Enjoyed.

Thank you Nicky and Nash. I have removed L2 and "for ages". Yes they were redundant. Regarding the structure I have to think over again. However thanks for being here and helping me. Smiles.

we are mauve petals wavering in late afternoon the winter creaks like any other loneliness a dried up firmament deadened as archaic rocks numb shadows irk me there's no waterfall to talk to we live alongside a milestone masked with dead moss gazing at an empty road i recall the last clatter of horse...

I feel Suzanne, that 'alarm of the gull' would make it better, as it goes well withe the 'stillness' all around. Love the 'alarm'.

Smiles.

Delightful read, I loved the visuals and your phrasings, especially "covenant gray". Thanks for the read. Enjoyed.

Ahh, Nicky, the old war of Love and Hatred. Difference is of just one single word! Cleverly told. I liked "walking on her feet" - sort of emphasizing her mood. Enjoyed.

Liked the poem on first reading, Stuart. Will come back to this and try to share my views.