Poetry Forum

Looks like it's IPTO time again. It's been a while. IPTO? You could ask an old-stager here, or I could just tell you (and I will) - it means that I prefer the original. So often my mantra, and it's applicable here. I prefer the sequencing in the original. And I prefer the original title too. (More ...

NotQuiteSure wrote: ↑

Mon Sep 09, 2019 11:57 am

Alexander71 wrote: ↑

Sun Sep 08, 2019 7:42 pm

Understood, though why not have her making a doll that looks like herself?
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An option for sure Not; I'll reflect on it. Thanks.

Tristan, mac- thank you both for the welcome. Alex

Falstaff being directly referenced in the theme of all 5 stanzas I take the protocol to be a diagnostic one for the harmless foolishness that characterises him. It has to be the original character apparently as the Orson Welles enactment is too late. The similarity to age related dementia is tucked ...

I'd drop the first 3 lines, it seems like unnecessary commentary to me. Maybe focus on the doll as the recipient of all the hurts, rather than the person. Otherwise, why introduce the doll at all? Thank you Ray. Consensus opinion, including mine now, is that the first three lines go. The image of a...

. For instance, given the changes, what purpose does the (narrator's) selfie serve? Do you still need it? If the revised opening (Brevity is a Reason for Strangers) wasn't so long it would make an excellent title. . Thank you for taking time with this Not. Sometimes I forget to question every word....

1lankest wrote: ↑

Sun Sep 08, 2019 12:11 pm

Enjoyed this, Alexander. Good imagist stuff.
Preferred the revision but I would drop the unnecessary prelim at the start,

Luke, I think you are right; the first bit can go. Thank you.

Mac, thank you for the close reading. A couple of minor points haven't come across as I intended so your feedback will help me in a revision. The subject is a friend who isn't well-grounded and sometimes engages in submissive behaviour, not so much for the endorphin release (though that is there) bu...

. 'spice of life' - the cliché really weakens the piece for me, it's difficult to ignore. 'four on your back' - is an awkward construction, but might work better after lips' 'filled lips' - why not 'bruised' or 'swollen' or ... something interesting? 'and hair' - I think this would work better with...

I too like the idea but the metaphor isn't coming through. I understand the opening though - I have frequently parted with a tenner just for two lines in a poem that I read over and over again. Alex

I really enjoyed the inventive scenario for this. The only nit I had was that the last stanza is now detached from its verb so it took me a few reads to realise the 'that' was not demonstrative. Maybe a comma or semi-colon after 'legacy' would help. Alex

Revision with new title: Sharing the Guilt brevity of life is the reason for strangers and their forgotten tally in the selfie your head is on another shoulder your hands kneading putty making a doll full of pins and self-destruction later you snapped limbs at the knee and elbow arranging flowers fo...

Hi, I've been writing since I was 4 so it's not surprising I've gone a bit stale recently. I have been posting on other forums and that has been part of the staleness so I have come here to look for new interactions and new points of view. For those who like to imagine the author at work I'm retired...