Poetry Forum

John, Elra , Ray, thanks for the comments/suggestions. You'd be surprised what strange noises carp make when they are feeding :lol: Yes, I know what you mean, my son's goldfish and loaches come up and make awful greedy gulping noises when they feed. However, doesn't slobbering mean saliva spilling ...

It's a pleasure, Eira! Nope, not an extra syllable - canines just makes me think of teeth! Cheers, John Haha!! Now howling teeth is something new for Halloween. I chose canines to cover dogs, wolves, foxes etc Perhaps I'll have a rethink. (reminds me I have a root canal in my canine soon :x ) Eira

jisbell00 wrote: ↑

Sun Oct 29, 2023 2:41 pm

I quite like Tony‘s idea about the last two lines.

Cheers,
John

Hi Ray
I like that idea too. Also like some of your rhymings.

Eira

Hi Eira, This is a well-told tale, full of detail and suspense - a page-turner - and your music makes it hum along. Nice work. I might write midnight as one word, and consider alternatives for canines and fierce heat, where I think you could use another syllable for your very regular rhythm. But th...

The beginning of this reminded me of my son trying to catch carp in a nearby canal. An enjoyable read but I can't think of carp as 'slobbering'

Eira

Hi John

I did google too which helped me understand this thought provoking piece. Each time I read I find something else I missed. A fascinating read.

Eira

With thanks to Not & dk for your inspiration for my last revision written in December but just posted now in time for this years halloween.

Eira

Thanks Fliss and John. A napping muse is a much more positive way of thinking. :Dand I've always got some oldies that could benefit from a look.

Eira

Glad to be in your company in Flight of the Dragonfly, Phil.

Eira

I haven't seen Eira here for a few months, I think. I do hope she hasn't left; Word-Bird and I like her a lot (^v^) Bw, Fliss Aw thanks Fliss. I certainly haven't left and do often look in. I've just worked it out and am ashamed to say I haven't written anything here for 6 months! I usually hiberna...

I'm glad you had that earlier experience. Although in my heart of hearts I want to receive only praise, critiques do more to help me refine my poems. I do agree Caleb and I eventually realised that I needed to refine my poems, so I took most of them to another forum to do that. I think my earlier e...

Christmas Cactus She faded at Yuletide -- left me orphaned. I adopted her favourite cactus, brought to cheer her in the dreary ward, took it home to nourish. Trapped in mourning’s rut, I neglected it. Grief eased; I found the plant desiccated, like my core. Wilted with guilt I teased encrusted roots...

No time to answer properly, Not, I tried reversing the 1st stanzas but didn't feel it worked so well. I've addressed some issues and put more details in the revision. I decided if I don't work on this now I never will

Eira

I've tried to revise the second stanza using more of the extended metaphor. Don't know if it works though.

Eira

I like this one Caleb. I'm not a fan of repeats, but they work really well here. When I started writing poetry, I found a forum where everyone wrote about feelings, depression, angst, problems etc. There was no critique, just understanding comments. It was great. Later, I moved onto a critique forum...

Much to like here, Ray - and I like your imaginary bridge too

Eira

Thank you, Eira. I quite understand. Sometimes these kinds of events are recorded and put on YouTube. I don't know if that will happen this time but if it does, I'll put the link on the thread. Just an aside, but I taught in mainstream nurseries and preschools for sixteen years or so, mainly teachi...

A very nice poem, Phil. Well done

Eira

Oh, well done Lia!
I wish I could come but my autistic son is home that day, and you're reading with Lois Jones too. I'm sure it will be fantastic.

Eira

NotQuiteSure wrote: ↑

Thu Nov 03, 2022 1:04 pm

No need to hurry on my account, you pace yourself.

Well I'm back with a revision, Not - would have been back sooner but I've had a horrible cold.

I think I've addressed most of the issues you mentioned. Had fun with this one, but I'm sure I've not done with it yet,

Eira

Hi Eira. Still not sure that 'vivid' isn't over egging the pudding (similarly, isn't 'on a branch' clear given what happens next?) I agree about the haiku element. Don't know if this will help but ... fish mouth through lilies from the poplar crow's nests sing; the crane is silent Regards, Not . Hi...

Hi Eira, interesting form (and new to me.) It is unusual. It's a strong start but I don't feel the cottage section and the end live up to it. Also, I'm a bit baffled how the 'crone' is both wrestling N and stirring her pot at the same time? Haha!! I knew you wouldn't miss that one :roll: :D Where i...

I forgot to mention, Fliss, that your poem gave me goose bumps as I know that you did catch covid when you were in hospital.

I hope your health is continuing to make great progress.

Eira

Leaf wrote: ↑

Tue Nov 01, 2022 10:47 pm

Hooray! Congratulations, Eira; I love your poem

Best wishes,
Fliss

Thanks Fliss, so glad you enjoyed this one.

Eira

NotQuiteSure wrote: ↑

Tue Nov 01, 2022 12:53 pm

Congratulations Eira, about time!

Thanks Not. Yes I have sat on this one for a long time