Poetry Forum

The bomb disposal unit were doing geo-phys on a site hear Hoyle Street, Sheffield, where an office block had just been demolished. Yes, I know it, across from the Shell garage. I only work a few hundred yards away, there could easily be another one underneath where I park my car. You couldn't ask t...

Firebird wrote: ↑

Sun Aug 04, 2019 7:48 am

Across the road from where I work

I work in Sheffield.

Where exactly is the bomb?

I won't embarrass you by gushing over your poetry yet again, Leaf. Suffice it to say that the usual magic is still there.

barrett wrote: ↑

Mon Jul 22, 2019 5:47 pm

It's because of those things that this is an interesting poem.

I totally agree, barrett, it was precisely those things that drew my attention to it.

barrett wrote: ↑

Mon Jul 22, 2019 7:53 am

I could point out the spelling mistakes and the grammatical errors and the fact that some parts really don't seem to make a lot of sense

To commit all those crimes and still produce a praiseworthy piece of work takes a special kind of talent; wouldn't you say, barrett?

I'd be tempted to trim a little here and there I agree, NQS, much of what I write would benefit from trimming. P3: suddenly it's all in the passive voice. You might change 'presumably' to 'I presume'. Yes, I must pay more attention to detail, although I'm not sure I would have picked up on that det...

Thank you, Jules, I'm a bit bowled over by your comments. Now I'm wondering how all the qualities you mention got in there without me noticing. When I posted it I was a bit worried that it might not be up to standard for this site, so it is quite a relief to know you liked it. The next committee mee...

Your poetry has a charm to it, Leaf, and a warmth. Not quite so much in your sunken cathedral poem, but definitely there in the swan poem, swirls, and now this one. I'm afraid I'm out of step again because I liked your inclusion of Gordon's gin, although where I live the neighbours would more likely...

Fiction holds a lot of possibilities. With this particular groundwork, you could go for adventure, crime, horror, mystery, romance, or sci-fi, just off the top of my head. I've implemented your suggestions for improved punctuation, Leaf, and am very grateful. Perhaps I should attend a monthly commi...

What sort of feedback are you interested in receiving? Anything you think worthy of mentioning, Leaf, although any tips on punctuation would be greatly appreciated; I get very anxious over my commas and semicolons. I do think what you have here is good groundwork for a piece of fiction That would b...

Prompted by the feeling that I needed to get out more, last summer I joined a walking group. My first outing with them was on a Wednesday evening; the walk was a stroll round the town where I live, as it happens. Their main outings are on Sundays; the Wednesday evening ones only take place during th...

I've got very mixed feelings about your revision, Leaf. I learned the original Swirls by heart only to find that you have now changed it.

However, I've decided to forgive you, on account of your introduction of the hedgehog.

David wrote: ↑

Mon Jun 17, 2019 5:00 pm

Well okay. As long as you're sure.

I couldn't help being struck by how unconcerned he was at the suggestion that he might be a troll. Whether that is an indication of innocence or guilt, I wouldn't know. My instinct would be to give him the benefit of the doubt.

David wrote: ↑

Sun Jun 16, 2019 6:54 pm

It may just have been my tin ear playing up.

No, David, it was more likely to have been my metre meter playing up.

David wrote: ↑

Sun Jun 16, 2019 6:39 pm

For what it's worth, Harbal's poem seems to me to be largely - with one or two exceptions - tetrameter, i.e. four beats to a line.

Oh dear, David, it wasn't meant to be.

Leaf wrote: ↑

Sun Jun 16, 2019 6:17 pm

I could offer a few punctuation suggestions, if you'd like me to.

I often wonder what great heights I could have achieved were it not for my punctuation, Leaf.

Please, if you think you can do anything with me, I would very much like you to.

I'm also puzzled towards the end of the poem, when the rats turn into mice :? I would also have been puzzled by that had I not reached my threshold sometime before then. It seems to be taking me longer than most to get a handle on Poet's output, I'm afraid my novice status is proving an obstacle I ...

Poet wrote: ↑

Sat Jun 15, 2019 6:10 pm

I thought throughout the stanzas you used some amateurish words (which I don't need to point out)

Thank you for not pointing out my amateurish words, Poet, I will extend the same courtesy to you when next I comment on one of your poems.

I have not seen you out for many a night, what happened to you, my nocturnal friend? You used to be a common evening sight, but now those sightings have come to an end. The only time I ever see you now is when behind my steering wheel I’m sat, and you are sprawled out on the road quite flat. I wish ...

That's a very funny piece of writing, churinga, and very much appealed to my sense of humour. As someone mentioned, it could be polished up a bit, but I don't think it was any less funny for that.

Thank you for the pleasant thoughts, Leaf, they are my favourite kind.

I'm not so sure about this one. It appears to be a sonnet but there's no volta that I can see, the end pretty much continues the same thought as the beginning. For it to work I would perhaps suggest the first three quatrains should extol the perceived virtues of the dawn chorus, the Mona Lisa and I...

I find your poems are making me reassess my concept of what poetry should be, Poet.

I think this version of the poem flows better, but what do you think, Harbal? :) You've probably noticed that I placed Imagine within single quotation marks. I've done this because I think you're referring to the song, but do correct me if I'm wrong. Of course you could use double quotation marks, ...

I do apologise, TLF, I completely missed your comments. It seems to me that people are hugely influenced by the prevailing "group-think" opinion on any topic. Yes, that's more or less what I am trying to say. As regards the final couplet - Are we "told to see" or is it more subtl...