Poetry Forum

The second verse for me presents me with a problem of meaning and relevance, coming hard on the heels of that inciteful comparison of a car park to a section of shoreline/estuary. The rest of the poem, leaving aside the second verse, follows nicely with perhaps just a few punctuation revisions to im...

I really rather like this poem dear smiffey, and was amazed at how when re-reading it, I consciously noted the clever use of rhyme which lends fluidity to the poem without needing to be analysed. The only correction I would presume to suggest is that the title could be shortened to "Quite bored...

I really like version 1 of this poem; I prefer the poetic structure to the looser prose version, and I find it a beautiful, gentle piece of writing with a lyrical quality. Perhaps you could revisit version 1 and add in the actual catching of the catfish, which appears in your prose poem, version 2. ...

I'm afraid that I do tend to agree with NotQuiteSure about this poem. There is some great imagery here and some powerful lines, but there is too much repetition and a mismatch between the fear you are trying to convey and the word "whooshed", which is hardly a fearful sound and surely cann...

Wow, you certainly don't pull any punches with this one, Not.

Short, but not too sweet.

Many thanks Kris for enabling members to change from the black theme. I am so used to writing/reading with black text on a basically white background that I found the black theme a bit "intimidating". Now that I have moved to the silver special edition theme, I am much happier.

many thanks for the kind sentiments, both of you, and thanks also for the useful tip, Mac.

I was thrilled to see that my membership had not been cancelled when the Forum moved over to prole art threat. I unfortunately did not myself actively follow the Forum after the move, and with my battle against cancer entering a new phase, I have been very dormant on the poetry front. So here I am, ...

Some good stuff in this poem, Perry, and I don't have a problem with the sudden change of tone with the last stanza - indeed, you signal that change clearly with the three asterisks. I'm not sure that the word "effused" has been used correctly where it appears, but I shall not indulge in f...

This poem has the makings of something special but I did experience a certain confusion when reading it; a careful "sorting out" might be worth doing to clarify exactly what you are conveying. When I read the poem, I felt empathy and a depth of emotion, but was concerned that I might be mi...

Blimey, a lot of learned stuff resulting from your poem, dear Jules. I read On the Road many years ago, and have since picked up more information about the so-called "beat generation." However, what I really like about your poem has nothing to do with those historical references and has mo...

If you wrote this poem at least two decades ago, dear Perry, I wonder how you see it now, apart from the question of the talking tree. For me, there is nothing wrong with having a talking tree, and the sentiments expressed are strong and environmentally well-timed. I think my only criticism concerns...

Nice one, dear Perry, describing a problem of council tree destruction that seems to be happening all over the country. There is just one word that could perhaps be changed - where you use the phrase, "An artist could not have rendered it more beautifully," I feel that the last word should...

Yes, having re-read the poem a couple of times, I am inclined to revise my view and do see what you were getting at.

Dear Poet, this is a poem that technically shouldn't work and would bring some editors to tears. And yet, it is a remarkable piece of work, seemingly without guile or wordly [sic] or even wordly knowledge. I love it.

Reading the various critiques from Forum members I do tend to side with Pauline and Perry. There just is not enough in this poem to reward the reader and the three images given - mother and pram, homeless man, and the pigeons plucking - seem a bit "hackneyed" with no interesting detail abo...

Some meaty stuff in there, RC, and in its best lines powerful and raw. You COULD edit this poem to improve its "logic" but that might well be a retrograde step. Keep it as it is, in my opinion.

I'm sorry, riverrun, and I know I might be missing something valuable here, but I just can't get to grips with this poem. I have to say that I am with Perry on this one, and indeed, the brevity of his critique might hide a deliberate request that you be less expansive and more concise in what you ar...

This is a very difficult poem to come to terms with, especially at the beginning, but clearly a theme develops so all is not lost. There are some powerful moments in the poem but also some overly obscure elements and language, so a mixed bag then. One thing I do like is the final stanza - a poem in ...

I think that we need to be careful about appearing to patronize the poet when criticizing the poem. We might not agree with the sentiments Harbal expresses, but I wouldn't call this out as being immature as if great poets are always somehow mature in their expression or meaning. I do agree, dear Har...

It is interesting that while version 1 of "The Onlie Begetter" would appear to be a sonic poem, version 2 is also intensely visual, and for me version 2 gets my vote. Serious visual elements in poetry are often ignored or not pursued by poets and I like the way that version 2 of the poem u...

Great little poem, NotQuiteSure, and I really like that sudden "shift" the reader experiences with the last line. The poem is sensual and enigmatic.

Powerful stuff Charles, and essentially well-crafted without losing its directness and ability to stir the emotions. I think that Tony is right to pick up on the first stanza although I would rather it were re-worked rather than abandoned.

Great poem this,Tony, and the only change I would recommend is replacing the first line of the second verse with, "Once out of its cage," instead of your line, "When I let it out of its cage."

Well Tristan, I look forward to reading the revised version of this poem - it contains nuggets of gold. In terms of a detailed critique, I agree very much with Perry's analysis so I will not add anything further.