Poetry Forum

Congratulations! Good poems, Phil.

I love this poem. I can't say exactly why it grabs me, but it does. A perfect distillation of a moment. Very nicely done. This poem may make it into my private book of other people's poetry that I love. Do you think it's finished, or are you still revising?

I have re-imagined this poem with a new ending. I hope you'll take a look.

I just noticed the videos you posted, John, but I'm going to bed, so I'll listen to them later. In the mean time, here is Peter Gabriel's "Your Eyes". He has performed this song multiple times, and it is always a big production when he does. If you haven't heard it, I think you'll love it....

Thanks, Phil.

In my world, more is more. I know you don't see it that way. However, sometimes "more" is "too much". Finding the balance is the problem. Actually, I think I just improved it a bit.

Version 4 posted, not as reduced as you all wanted, but slightly more concise.

Thank you, John!

I like this poem -- I really do. I have sat in so many Indian and Japanese restaurants wonder what it was that I was ordering that this is a moment right out of my own life -- and I think a lot of other readers will feel the same way. Oh, and it's nice to read a poem from you that isn't about God (n...

I like this! I definitely like it! So much subtlety and implied meaning!

Everyone's favorite poem has just been revised!

I must be tired. I don't really understand what you are saying. I'll come back later.

Yes, it's a poem. A poem is whatever an author says it is.

Interesting poem. I like that it is based in the real world in a mundane situation.

But it needs more reading and I'm off to bed. I'll have more to say later.

Saturday Afternoon (version 2) “Is that the Empire State Building you’ve got in your pants?” Well, I thought it was funny, and this was Greenwich Village, so there was at least a fifty percent chance he would laugh and, hopefully, stop to exchange numbers. But no — I wasn’t showing a big enough bui...

I question the logic of those old fables that have nothing to do with reality, but your poem is good, especially the first couple lines.

As the mountaineer reaches the summit,
the mountain disappears from under him.

Very deep!

Thank you for your suggestion, Tony, but I'm not going in that direction. As I said to Phil, I am going to cut some stuff out -- most specifically, the part about the coverlet going off and then coming back on, etc. That can be condensed. But the basic structure of the poem -- the trouble sleeping c...

Given that you write minimalist poetry with as few words as possible, I find myself wondering why your art isn't more minimalist or cutting edge. In my youth, I fell in love with a watercolor painting that was created with perhaps 7-10 brush strokes. It was part of an exhibit and I wasn't able to af...

I agree, Phil. I tend to say too much. I love the sound of my own voice. On the other hand, I see myself as a narrative poet, and narratives aren't usually concise. I'll work on it, though I won't be cutting out THAT much. The part about getting comfortable in bed could be its own poem, and I see an...

Now on to version 3.

You are an artist with a unique talent.

Yes, that's a great song. Black people have naturally resonant voices, and I like any song about being older. But right now I'm getting into Peter Gabriel. I think there's greater emotional depth in Gabriel's music than in your standard Motown hit. I'll be posting another of his songs soon. He's now...

I heard this song when I was young but never saw the video. It's quite amazing.

Peter Gabriel and Kate Bush. Wow.

New version, more lyrical.

I've looked at this poem several times, but wasn't sure I had anything to say. You have posted "travel" poems before -- indeed, you are good at making travel sound interesting. In this case, though, I don't find much that interests me, beyond the fact that you are writing with your signatu...

Oh oh oh -- a feminine ending is one with an unstressed vowel at the end; I see. I was thinking in terms of muchacha and muchacho, etc.

Thanks, John. I am working on making the poem more lyrical. I have already changed "Hades" to "Hell". Does English have feminine endings? Is "Hades" feminine? What I actually did at that time was I called the police and asked her if they shouldn't try to rescue the woma...