Poetry Forum

Better memory than me mac, but if you say so then, you're welcome

Congrats mac,
such a nice ending.

Regards, Not

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Congrats mac,
I rememer this. It's aged well!

Regards, Not

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Hi Eira. not too keen on 'cheery either though. Fair enough 12 syllables Oops, I hadn't been counting. Have come up with a solution though. :) You know what they say about pride, Eira? No, I still don't think it's there yet, lacks that 'conversational flow' the the rest has. I miss my confidant, the...

Hi Eira, what on Earth are you doing down there? I'm going to have to put my foot down on riant - what with me being a hard taskmaster and all (no point in having a whip if you can't crack it!) - it worked well in Breathless , but it's out of place here. Cheery would do, and alliterate with the exce...

I hope so Not- I'm tired! Lol! :wink: Just a lack of match fitness Eira, you've been slacking. I hope you've settled in at your new place, the welcome mat unrolled by friendly folk. I miss our heart to hearts, your grinning face when you recite another knock, knock joke. Better, but not quite, nano...

Hi Eira, I think 'tight embrace' leads in the wrong direction. I miss our heart-to-heart's, watching your face as you wind up another knock-knock joke. Not a hundred percent on the 'as' (but this could just be me), wondered about 'that 'there's ...' ? Millimetres, Eira, millimetres! Regards, Not .

, Hi Eira, leaps and veritable bounds! Lia's already picked out S2/L1, but really the whole piece has gone up another rung, or two. I still think there's something better than (the simply descriptive) 'shoulder-shaking' (but most of all your almost risqué jokes but most of all your awful antique jok...

Hi Eira, the revision's an improvement, I think, but ... The 'and feel quite well' after the opening line seems like an interruption to the thought about the new place and the welcome mat. Do you really need it? An alternative might be along the lines of I hope you've settled in at your new place an...

Hi Eira, Oddly, I'm less sold on this today than yesterday, and I'm not sure that words like 'bittersweet' are working (especially with askew and frayed). It's the flow of it, I think, and too many parts feels rhyme driven (or should that be led?) But the potential! I hope you've settled in at your ...

Hi Eira. What ray said :) (especially the 'so' and 'meandering'.) Also, some news of Mum for she's been rushed away. I think you need a pause after 'mum'. As if you take a breath before delivering the bad news. Minor point, does one get 'rushed away' to a nursing home? Rushing implies an emergency, ...

Hi ray,
poem of two halves, for me. The first two stanzas (do you really need 'practice'?) don't do that much, but the rest works really well (though I kept on misreading 'metier' as 'meter'.) I particularly liked 'and the one that ... nobody gets'.

Over or around the stumps?

Regards, Not

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What she said.

Hi Eira, like the tweak. If you could stand another ... open our sack of presents, the reindeer leaping across your shirt, our Boxing Day stroll together in Perry Hall Park and your avalanche of paper snowflakes. I feel a blizzard inside me … … and can’t forget how you turned to shuffle out, my high...

Seconded.

Congrats ray,
and in case I didn't say so at the time, Man out of Time is terrific, killer ending.

Regards, Not

Looks like the knackerman's just rolled up Well, there were reports of some ill-used duck(lings) so I was kind of obligated. If I left 'em they'd stink the place up in no time. I thought you said you had the vision of the gods? I certainly saw you coming. (I went for 'stirred' because it's a tea-ma...

Did you hear a wail just then, followed by a small whimper? Could have been a mutter for all I know. Anyway I thought you were having your hearing tested. I'm still not sure about that 'I fear' line. I'm not sure 'myself' is right. It feels like there should either be one syllable or three. As soon...

It would be like flogging a dead horse. Taking that risk ... I fear myself scattered beneath the bench 'scattered' seems a bit tame for 'fear' - 'shattered' ? Or even 'discarded'. captured in a dark fork by the beaks of swift builders, captured in a dark fork by the swift beaks of builders, - (I th...

We are at joyful loggerheads I'll not argue. ButI will point out that there comes a point where that may not be 'useful'. On the other hand, it tells us everything about the Potter. No turtle, I doesn't. That's an interesting interpretation, Not. I can see exactly what you mean, too. I see it that ...

Hi Eira, First. I got so many things crossed for you and your weekend I'm practically a contortionist. Second, inches, mere inches. It's just the final three verses. Something like ... We leave reception, masks on, clutching a card of you giggling in a Santa hat and covered with your scribbled kisse...

Hi ray. The 'squeeze of emphysema' is a real gem. (If that's Artificial Intelligence, it's had a lobotomy.) Perhaps a space between the first Underworld and the second? Seems to me one would take a deep breath before launching into the second part. Lines 7-9, that, that, that (a bit much, that?) Lin...

Hi Lia. I think I'm overstaying my welcome on this one. We can only assume he's a good person by what we've been told. Maybe that's why you're wrestling with bridle?... Possibly, but one of the things we're told is 'bridle' - and I can't not see the negative connotations. Also, nothing we're told ma...

It seems to me that bridle is important. I'm trying to figure out why you're not keen. Firstly, the dictionary. bridle (n.) "headpiece of a horse's harness," used to govern and restrain the animal, Old English bridle "a bridle, a restraint," bridle (v.) "to control, dominat...

hmmm let's find a quote... Well, that's a let down. I thought it was a pottery specific term with which I was not familiar. I'd been wondering why it wasn't slip, or something similar. ...or they fear they will fall apart (their own failure). Except that it comes after 'lifting me down'. (Also, whi...